Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Trip (1967), Roger Corman


If you felt that you had to have a dude spot you while you were tripping, wouldn't you want it to be Bruce Dern? That beard, that voice... soooo soooothing. There's NO WAY you could possibly have a bad trip, right? Not if you're Paul Groves (Peter Fonda), a stressed-to-the-max commercial director in the midst of a soul-crushing divorce.

Things start off well enough. Paul asks his acid guru pal John (Dern) if he can assist him in his quest for mind expansion, so John takes Paul over to Max's (played by Dennis Hopper!) fully stocked and tricked out hippie pad. Paul's trip begins as a mighty good one, until bad thoughts start creeping in. He begins to see death, torture, and various unsavory-looking people. He freaks out and runs around the streets of Los Angeles. Can John catch up to him before he, I don't know... jumps off a bridge?

Not much plot to speak of here, as 90% of the movie consists of Paul's hallucinations. I couldn't decide if it was supposed to be for or against acid, so it's definitely not calling morals into play, as most drug movies do. It was written by Jack Nicholson(!), and he, Roger Corman, Peter Fonda, and Dennis Hopper participated in a group trip before production started. They really don't make movies like this anymore.

Grade: B+
i ♥ huckabees (2004), David O. Russell


A young man suffers an existential crisis, and turns to a husband and wife duo of "existential detectives" for help. The plot gets pretty convoluted from there, so I will spare you from what would probably be a very inept plot summary on my part. In fact, I'm just going to assume I'm the last person on Earth to see this.

I thought I would hate this movie. And I did, until about halfway through. The scene at the doorman's dinner table is what got me. I'm not sure what it was, but from then on, I really enjoyed it! I don't know what my beef was, I love basically all of the main actors. Even Mark Wahlberg was brilliant! Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed that it took me so long to see this movie. It looks like a very accessible mainstream comedy, but it's definitely written for the thinking person. Oh, and apparently Shania Twain hates chicken salad.

Grade: A


Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hell House (2001), George Ratliff



I'm sure you've all heard of a Hell House. "Haunted Houses" set up by Christian fanatics to show us heathens what will happen to us if we continue down our respective paths of sin. The Trinity Church's concept has spawned thousands of Hell Houses across the nation.

I can't speak for every Hell House, but this one was particularly wrought with contradiction. First of all, the idea of doing such a thing for profit in the first place seems very Un-Christian. It was made up of several rooms, each depicting a behavior that could potentially send you straight to Hell. That is, unless you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. But I'll get to that later. The situations depicted in the Hell House were perfect examples of Christians' two biggest fears: female sexuality, and homosexuality. The teenage, unmarried girl who has sex, gets pregnant, and gets an abortion nearly gets sent to Hell. But what of the boy who got her pregnant? The blasphemous homosexual male contracts AIDS, refuses Christ, and gets sent directly to Hell.

Some of the scenes are just so mind blowingly inaccurate and out of touch, you can't help but giggle. Like the rave scene, created by people who have obviously never been to a rave. Or the occult scene, in which they accidentally(?) made a "pentagram" which was actually a Star of David. Women also don't usually bleed out and die from abortions. And blaming a girl for her childhood molestation at the hands of a relative? Yikes...

At the end of Hell House, you must make a decision. If you exit through one door, there are loads of people in there, ready and willing to "save" you. It's a full contact thing, complete with speaking in tongues. If you exit through the other door... well, sorry dudes, but you're going to Hell.

This film was fascinating. One scene in particular, where a group of teenage hellions approach Trinity's pastor (and he actually takes the time to answer all their questions), sticks in my mind. Both parties are shockingly respectful towards one another, and the outcome is actually pretty positive. Although, I admit, it is just a little bit tough to take a bunch of kids in Slipknot gear seriously. I definitely recommend it to any other atheists out there, but I think Christians will find it interesting too. If ever there was a question in your mind why people are turned off by Christianity, Hell House has more than enough answers for you.

Grade: A


Short Take:

Imprint (2006), Takashi Miike


The only unaired episode of Showtime's Masters of Horror anthology series. It was banned from airing due to its "disturbing" nature, however, it was included in the DVD release. I suppose that yes, this little made-for-TV movie would have been disturbing to most "normal" people. To me it was a disappointment, as it seemed as though Miike was just recycling old concepts from his earlier films. I do love a good horror anthology show, though. I have many fond memories of pretending to be asleep while my grams was watching (for example) Tales From the Crypt, or The Hitchhiker. Given this weakness, I found it hard to truly dislike Imprint.

Grade: B

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

M (1931), Fritz Lang


A serial killer targets young children, much to the dismay of both the cops who can't seem to catch him, as well as the man's fellow criminals. You see, any criminal that is this hard to catch causes problems for ALL criminals. The police subject the townspeople to thorough ID checks and regular raids, which is bad news for non-law abiding citizens. In other words: he's hurting their business. So while the cops futilely search for the killer, the town's other criminals go on a search of their own, proving to be more successful due to their underground network.

Peter Lorre is genuinely terrifying in this film. His facial expressions are that of a truly insane person. Every time he ominously whistles "In the Hall of the Mountain King," you know something unsavory as all hell is about to go down. The ending is mind-blowingly good. Lorre gives a very brilliant, albeit haunting monologue that will stick with you forever.

This was Lang's first "talkie." There are long periods without sound, and the technique proves to be quite effective in building tension. The acting and direction were, of course, superb. This is widely regarded as one of the greatest achievements in the German Expressionist genre, as well as in film history. Highly influential, M's shadowy cinematography, dark subject matter, voiceovers, and use of antiheroes had a large hand in creating the film noir genre.

Grade: A+
Mil gritos tiene la noche (1982), Juan Piquer Simón
PIECES


Although Pieces is a Spanish movie, it comes off like the giallo Fulci never directed. Okay, actually, I take that back. Pieces is a little too... stupid for Fulci. Maybe Bruno Mattei would be more appropriate? Anyhow, this movie is extremely misogynistic, and most definitely politically incorrect. The genesis of the killer's rage was his mom finding all his porno mags/jigsaw puzzles (WTF? Yeah.) and trying to burn them when he was probably 7 or 8. In retaliation, he chops her head open with an axe and totally gets away with it! What a little asshole. Then about 40 years later, a serial killer begins targeting the beautiful buxom broads at a local college. He chops them into bits and keeps some chunks as souvenirs. Any idiot can figure out what he's up to. Especially since you are beaten over the head with jigsaw imagery. But seriously, who is the killer? The creepy, molester-looking gardener? The exaggeratedly gay professor? Kendall, the campus Rico Suave? I mean, I figured it out in the first 5 minutes- I feel like if you've seen one giallo, you've seen 'em all.

Some of my favorite parts- the undercover cop screaming "BASSSSSSSSTARD! BASTARDDDDDDDDDD! BAAAAAAAAAAASTARRRRRRRRD!" over and over again for like 5 minutes; the random Kung-fu attack and its explanation; pants pissing; the completely random and nonsensical ending. There are so many things that are just wrong with this movie. It's a real piece of shit. It's also gory and hilarious, although unintentionally so. It's like everything I could ever want in a movie. Thank Satan for Grindhouse Releasing, because they've re-released this formerly hard to find gem on DVD. If you can get ahold of a copy, please do so. It is so worth it.

Grade: A
Chatterbox (1977), Tom DeSimone


A sexy lady's vagina inexplicably begins to talk at the most inopportune times. Have I got you hooked yet? Penny's vagina, adorably nicknamed "Virginia," begins to take on a personality and voice of her own, somewhere between Mae West and Don Rickles. After Virginia causes Penny to lose her man (Ted, who was kind of an egomaniac, not to mention unattractive) and her job as a hairstylist, she seeks help from her psychiatrist, Dr. Pearl. Unfortunately, Dr. Pearl is an opportunist, and sees Virginia as he and Penny's chance to become rich and famous. Penny is completely mortified by her newfound talent, but I suppose if you can't change something, you've got to embrace it.

I felt very uncomfortable during the scenes in which Virginia was performing, particularly the first one, where Penny was stark nude onstage in front of hundreds of men essentially raping her with their eyes. This is a sexploitation film of the most devious sort. You go to see a movie about a talking vagina, expecting to see said vagina, and all you get are boobs. Although Penny is always somewhere between rarely and barely clothed, Virginia is always covered in what I would call a "vagina tube top," or "lady's codpiece." I bet Chatterbox made a lot of money a few bucks from this underhanded technique.

I also liked the mentions of Virginia putting Gloria Steinem to shame, and Betty Friedan challenging Virginia to a debate. As if this were, in some way, even a remotely feminist film. But don't get me wrong- this movie is not malicious in any way. By even conjuring up those names, it assures me that I was correct in concluding that the filmmakers were in on the joke just as much as the viewer. While it is incredibly amateur in skill (e.g. most visible boom mic ever about 6 minutes in), that gives it a sense of innocence that you won't find in most sexploitation films. If you are looking for a fun, fluff-filled way to pass 70 minutes, I would suggest it. Add it to my list of ultra-polarizing date movies.

Grade: A-

P.S. My mom is cooler than your mom, because she recommended this to me!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Bad Lieutenant (1992), Abel Ferrara

"Bad" is an understatement. The nameless lieutenant, played to near perfection by Harvey Keitel, drops his kids off at school, then spends the rest of his day smoking crack, snorting coke, shooting heroin, obsessively gambling, having three ways with anonymous lesbians, and jerking off to underage girls. His whole life changes when a nun is raped in his district, forcing him to question everything he knows about Catholicism and the power of forgiveness in this modern-day allegory of Jesus Christ.

It's not an easy movie to watch. It's rated NC-17, if that tells you anything. The copious instances of drug abuse were very clinical and matter-of-fact in nature, which I found profoundly disturbing. The viewer is given no indication as to how long he had been using drugs, which is somewhat disorienting when his family is shown to basically just ignore it (and him). Clearly, this man is a walking cry for help. The only people who seem to see anything wrong with his behavior are his dealers. It's very hard to believe he can hold down a job, let alone one as a police lieutenant in NYC.

When he assists in the nun's rape investigation, he sees a chance at redemption. He wants to take it upon himself to find the rapists and bring them to his own brand of justice. The nun has been astonishingly unhelpful in the investigation thus far. She knows who raped her, but refuses to tell. He confronts her about this in what I thought was the most heart-wrenching scene in the whole film. The nun explains to Bad Lt. that she doesn't want any more attempts at justice, because she has already forgiven her attackers. He explains to her that she is not the only woman in the world, she's not even the only nun, and she is sending these rapists the message that they can rape whomever they please and get away with it. He experiences a moral metamorphosis of sorts, and finds the redemption he has been seeking all along.

I highly recommend this film, and I would say that for people who are unfamiliar with Ferrara's work, Bad Lieutenant is a good place to start. I also think it's funny that Harvey Keitel was in three films in '92: this, Reservoir Dogs, and Sister Act. (One of these things is not like the others...) Keitel's performance was very convincing, even the part where he cries. When you think of how a tough, musclebound junkie would cry, I'd say it sound pretty close to that. The ending is pretty rough, but not totally unexpected. Abel Ferrara's song over the end credits is... uhhhh... interesting, and certainly not to be missed.

Grade: A


Monday, November 17, 2008

Chicken Hawk: Men Who Love Boys (1994), Adi Sideman

Sorry guys, no picture for this one, because I don't want to Google Image Search it. I think you can understand. This is by far the most horrific film I have ever seen in my life. The night I watched it, I couldn't sleep, so I would recommend that you watch it mid-day. The truly terrifying thing is that there is no narration. The documentarians don't go out of their way to slant your view one way or the other. They just let the cameras roll, and I think the material truly speaks for itself.

All of the men interviewed are beyond delusional. Some even go as far as to say that they are not the pursuers, but rather, the pursuees. Some of them claim they are doing the children a favor, or helping adult homosexuals by "training" them young. They invite themselves to Gay Rights marches, much to the dismay of their fellow participants.

Another thing that really freaked me out- among the people interviewed were a few boys who had been unsuccessfully approached by one of the men featured in the film, as well as their parents' reactions. There was also a man featured who was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, who claims he "enjoyed it" and "was in control." Sure, pal. He said these experiences led him to be a boy-lover in his adulthood. Well ain't that just terrific? Congrats, asshole.

It also showed the "other side" of the story, in which the molesters are verbally abused and called out in public. Wah fucking wah. You prey on children. Get over it, creeps.

This was still a really good and fair portrayal. If my mind wasn't so made up that I HATE CHILD MOLESTERS, I may have gained some insight. I don't know whether or not to recommend this to anyone. If you like a good documentary, or you're interested in abnormal psych, then by all means- go for it.

Grade: ?


Frat House (1998), Andrew Gurland and Todd Phillips

This documentary was originally filmed with the intention for HBO's America Undercover. However, due to many factors, which you will understand when you view the film, it remains to be seen on TV and is quite hard to come by in VHS or DVD form. Gurland and Phillips attempt to observe what really happens during fraternity rush. After a while, the frat they are filming becomes uncooperative, and the two must figure out another way to finish the film. Their saving grace comes when a frat allows them to film their rush, but under a few conditions: the name of the college must never be mentioned, nor the name of the frat. Oh, and they also have to pledge along with the rest of the pledge class. Hazing ensues. Duh.

People might try to say that this movie is disturbing or whatever, but they're wrong. I wasn't disturbed. I'd say I was simply shocked at the lengths people will go to in order to avoid individuality. And maybe weeping for the future a bit, as these fucking assholes people are now about 10 years older than me. Now that I know about all the allegations of staging and scripting, it's kind of hard to see it in a good light retrospectively. It does have one of the most hilarious last lines ever put on film. But you need to watch the entire thing for it to be hilarious. It's short, just watch it.

Todd Phillips actually went on to direct several movies (such as Old School and Road Trip, and oddly enough, the GG Allin documentary Hated) which are considered canon for any frat boy these days. He tried to expose these ruffians, but ended up helping their cause. Isn't it ironic? Dude is probably so rich now. So really, who laughs last?

Grade: B-

Friday, November 14, 2008

Short Take:

The Bridge (2006), Eric Steel


The title of this film of course refers to the Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco, CA. Eric Steel, a first-time documentary filmmaker, was commissioned to do a piece on the Golden Gate. He actually ended up unintentionally capturing 23 of the 24 suicides that occurred there in 2004 on film. The friends and families of the deceased are interviewed, as well as a survivor. This film is very jarring, in more ways than one. Between seeing actual suicides and the issues in mental health care it brings up, this is one documentary you will never forget.

Grade: A+
Parasite (1982), Charles Band


Originally shown in 3-D, Parasite is really only well-known for being Demi Moore's screen debut. It was one of many "parasite" movies of the late 70s-early 80s. (Thanks a lot, Cronenberg.) Parasite is set in a post-apocalyptic world. Interestingly enough, the setting is completely unrelated to the plot of the film. Basically there is a dude carrying a parasite in his abdomen, and another one in a Thermos. The one in the Thermos gets out, and he has to find it in order to rid of both of the parasites.

Everyone in Parasite is a total asshole, except Demi Moore. One of said assholes drives a Lamborghini, and that was probably 95% of the movie's budget. It's a really awesome movie, if you love schlock as much as I do. Seeing the parts that were supposed to be scary in 3-D was most of the fun!

Charles Band is a legend. He's been making movies for almost 40 years, with no end in sight! He's a producer, director, writer, sometimes actor... Mr. Band is a movie machine. Surely if you are reading this, you've seen some of his movies; like Ghoulies, Dolls, Troll, or Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. I shudder to think what my life would be like if movies like these did not exist.

Grade: B

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Låt den rätte komma in (2008), Tomas Alfredson
Let The Right One In



Oskar is a bright, but very meek, 12 year old. He is picked on mercilessly at school, and his home life is pretty disappointing as well. One day, a new kid named Eli moves into the apartment next to his. Although Eli is super mysterious and kinda funny smelling, Oskar feels an instant connection with her. Eli is very reluctant to form a friendship with Oskar, as she is not exactly what she appears to be. Although she looks like a 12 year old girl, Eli is actually a 200-year old vampire who used to be a boy named Elias- which means that Oskar has a life-changing choice to make.

I should probably explain a few things that will help you understand the film a bit more, as they are explained in the book but not fully acknowledged in the movie. Eli was castrated and turned into a vampire when he was a defenseless child during a satanic ritual. Eli is androgynous, and the love between Oskar and Eli is not of a sexual nature anyway. (I mean, they are only 12.) In the beginning of the film, Eli is shown as living with a man whom is clearly not her father. In the book, Håkan was a pedophile who had met Eli shortly before the story began. The relationship worked for both of them. He got to be close to a child, and the fact that she wasn't really a child helped his conscience. She got out of killing people herself, which is an emotionally harrowing experience for her, by simply making Håkan go out and collect it for her. I have read many people's complaints about not understanding these plot elements, so... you're welcome in advance.

I thought this movie was incredible. The story was just beautifully written; it will no doubt tug at your heartstrings. Anyone who has ever felt like an outsider will root for Oskar as he finds not only a kindred spirit, but the courage within himself to stand up for himself and take control of his life. This was both of the lead actors' first film, and I hope they both have long careers to look forward to after their surprisingly genuine work in LTROI. The atmosphere of the film was very dark, but not bleak in any way. It was actually rather positive and inspirational. I would even go as far as to say this is the greatest vampire movie I have ever seen in my life. Perhaps it's because it gives some dignity back to the, uh, noble(?) vampire. Vampires are a study in morality, and it's about time they started being portrayed as such.

There is supposedly an American remake slated for 2010. I cannot imagine how badly it will be butchered, so please, for the love of Henry Rollins, see the original! The remake is being directed by Matt Reeves, whose claim to fame as of now is Cloverfield. Blech. That probably means J.J. Abrams will be producing. I do love Mr. Abrams, so while I am interested, I think I'll pass. The idea of remaking a film before it is even a year old is absolutely preposterous. Why anyone would think they could improve upon the original is beyond me. Are we Americans honestly too lazy to read subtitles? Jesus.

Grade: A+

Monday, November 10, 2008

Less Than Zero (1987), Marek Kanievska

A couple of wealthy kids get into coke, heroin, and prostitution. Their apparently straight edge friend has to pull them out of it. Apparently love conquers coke addiction, but not crack/heroin? Hmm.

A very loose adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis book of the same name, although it is more a vehicle for Brat Pack-ers Andrew McCarthy, Jami Gertz, and Robert Downey Jr. than an honest attempt at a book-to-movie adaptation. You'd be hard pressed to find any evidence that Clay is bisexual and also takes part in the "festivities," or that Rip keeps preteen girls chained to his bed? But it was the first BEE book to be made into a movie, and they have gotten far better, thankfully. Tarantino has expressed his interest in a remake of Less Than Zero. I must admit, although I am morally opposed to remakes, that is one I would actually like to see.

I doubt that RDJ was ever even given a script. Kanievska was probably like, "Hey, Bob. Workin' on a new movie here. How 'bout you just let us follow you around with a camera for a few days?" His performance was a little too convincing is all I'm saying. Also, since it was long before I was into boys, perhaps someone a bit older than myself can enlighten me as to the appeal of Andrew McCarthy? Am I to believe he was a teen idol or something? He seems like the fucking king of the Brat Pack, because he is inexplicably in like 80% of the "good" Brat Pack movies. But he is just so blah, so bland. Not to mention a horrifically awful actor. He also laughs before he cries (in basically EVERY movie he is in), and it really disturbs the shit out of me.

So, to sum it up: Read the book.

Grade: C

Dead Set (2008), Charlie Brooker

Dead Set is not really a "movie" per say; it was actually a 5-part miniseries aired a few weeks ago on E4, the pay cable counterpart to the UK's "alternative" TV station, Channel 4. It revolves around the "Big Brother" house, which although we have an American version of "Big Brother," it is certainly nowhere near the huge cultural phenomenon that it is in the UK. The Big Brother house is the only safe place in the world it seems, as it has been "fan proofed." I won't go into any more detail, because you need to see this for yourselves.

If you don't like fast zombies, I would suggest not watching this. The zombies are just as fast and just as strong as they were when they were alive, which I think is a fascinating concept. They get around this clear violation of zombie law by never actually referring to them as "zombies," nor do they say what caused the outbreak. So since they are technically not "zombies" (Even though they totally are, does Mr. Brooker think I'm stupid or somethin'?) they get away with it. The fast zombies make for an even more nerve-wracking program. It is much, much gorier than anything you would ever see on American television. Or even in some American zombie films, really.

There was a definite, undeniable homage to Irréversible in one episode. Other than that, it wasn't very referential or derivative, if at all, and that is quite refreshing. The look of it was very stark, everything got progressively more gray and washed out as it went along. The story was actually really good, really funny at times. I was extremely impressed. I also liked that the female characters, especially Kelly, were all very strong and resourceful. They weren't just eye candy or an "annoyance," as women are usually portrayed in zombie films. Just one more reason why I wish my TV only picked up UK stations.

Grade: A
Frontière(s) (2007), Xavier Gens
Frontier(s)

Frontier(s) is one of the best horror films of last year, and you've probably never heard of it. It was taken off the schedule at last year's "8 Films to Die For" After Dark Horrorfest, due to it's NC-17 rating. The highest allowable rating for the After Dark Horrorfest is an R, which Frontier(s) apparently missed by a mile. It was released uncut in select U.S. theaters for one weekend only, then was released on DVD the following Tuesday. Now I wish I had heard of this film when it was out. I would have LOVED to see it in a theater.

Anyways, it's a French film, by a relatively young/new director, Xavier Gens. A group of five friends decide to take advantage of the riots consuming France's police force by stealing a bunch of cash. However, things go horribly awry, and they decide to split up for the moment. They are to meet up later at an undetermined location. Although being persued by police, two of the friends simply cannot go on, due to exhaustion (and copious amounts of marijuana). They stumble upon a hostel in the middle of nowhere, and decide to sleep there for the night. By the time their friends arrive to meet them, shit has indeed gotten real. They get much more than the bargained for when the family that owns the hostel turns out to be a bunch of demented, sadistic, cannibalistic Neo-Nazis, bent on creating their own Aryan race.

The lead female character is a total badass. She was a great actress, and I hope to see more of her work. That is one thing that I love about French horror films- they do not discriminate. Women are given just as strong, if not stronger, roles than their male counterparts in horror films. I wish America would follow suit. It seems as though any time they have, it comes off as more like they're compensating than being genuine. (Hostel 2, anyone?)

The overall tone and look of the film is extremely brutal. They definitely don't skimp on the blood and guts, although I'm not entirely convinced that it deserved to be slapped with an NC-17. (I'd love to chat more about my problems with the MPAA, but that's a whole 'nother entry.) I'm a big supporter of filmmakers who refuse to trim down their movie just to get an R rating. Never say die!

Grade: A
Magnolia (1999), Paul Thomas Anderson


A group of seemingly unrelated people's lives intertwine over a 24 hour period, loaded with loneliness, revelations of deep family secrets, redemption, and the sense that sometimes, things just happen.

I never thought I would be able to sit through a movie that is over 3 hours long, which is why I had been to hesitant (FOR NINE YEARS) to watch this film. Now I completely regret that line of thinking. I can't believe what I have been missing. I think I watched it almost a week ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I have a feeling it will stick with me for a long time. It pretty much begs repeat viewing, although the length of the film sort of makes that difficult to squeeze in.

This is probably the 2nd best movie I have ever seen, with Network being the absolute best. Anderson actually screened Network for his cast, pre-production, so the influence is obvious. Every single cast member's performance is so honest, I imagine that filming was quite emotionally taxing on everyone. Even though some people might think that the sing-along part was jumping the shark, or that the raining frogs were a little too deus ex machina, but "those people" apparently did not get the point of the film. As I said, sometimes things just happen. Sometimes for a reason, but you can't put too much stock in fate. Coincidence is key in Magnolia.

Grade: A+

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Koroshiya 1 (2001), Takashi Miike
Ichi the Killer


One of Miike's finest movies, Ichi the Killer is seriously twisted. Twisted in the sense that there are many plot twists, and twisted in the sense that everyone is a sadist, a masochist, or sometimes both. The main character (surprisingly not named Ichi), is Kakihara. Kakihara is probably the most badass movie character of the last decade. I loved his bleach blond hair, flamboyant suits, and mouth held together by lip rings. Very 2001, sure. But a total badass nonetheless.

Kakihara is the right hand man to his yakuza boss, Anjo. When Anjo goes missing (along with 300 million yen), Kakihara goes on a mission to find him (and the money). An innocent enough looking old man feeds Kakihara one hell of a red herring when he suggests that a rival yakuza killed Anjo. Kakihara realizes that the tipster is behind everything, and the mistake costs him greatly, as you can see above. He will stop at nothing, and I mean nothing, to find the old man. Soon Kakihara and his henchmen cross paths with an awkward, sexually confused/repressed martial arts expert named Ichi. Unbeknownst to Kakihara, the old man, Jijii, has been training Ichi for a long time, through both martial arts lessons as well as memory manipulation, to dispose of Kakihara and the rest of his fellow yakuza. Ichi takes them all out one by one until only Kakihara is left. Their final showdown is not to be missed.

I love Miike, and this is an epic film, in terms of length. (It's over 2 hours long.) I have the shortest attention span in the world, and although this film is very action- and gore-packed, it took me awhile to finish it. That is to say nothing of the quality of the film, merely that I should have taken some Ritalin or something before watching it. The gore is more than sufficient, even I was completely grossed out at times. Tadanobu Asano's performance as Kakihara, the pain-addicted yakuza, was absolutely outstanding. Miike is something of an accidental genius, and I feel that his work can only get better.

Grade: A

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Boxing Helena (1993), Jennifer Chambers Lynch


A man recklessly obsessed with a past one night stand physically and emotionally traps her, making her absolutely dependent on him. Does she magically fall in love with the man who mutilated her? Or is she literally only the woman of his dreams? Does anyone care?

This movie is the epitome of the phrase "amateur party." Boxing Helena will live on forever in film nerd infamy for being proof that talent is not hereditary. Jennifer Lynch wrote the screenplay when she was 19, but the film wasn't made until she was 25. I don't know what happened in that six year gap, but apparently not a whole lot of revising. I think that her idea is quite interesting, but her execution was very, very poor. I think maybe 19 is just a little too young to be making this expensive of a statement about sexual politics.

I felt as though I was watching an unscrambled late night Cinemax movie the entire time. The overly decadent cinematography, sets, costumes, makeup, hair, props; the unbelievable situations; Helena's awkwardly "elegant" mannerisms; totally unrealistic dialogue... the whole movie was just one facepalm inducing moment after another. The score was terribly grating. At one point I thought there was a smoke alarm going off somewhere in our house for like, five minutes.

Why is Art Garfunkel in this? Did I really need to see Bill Paxton's ass? I sincerely hope Mr. Paxton is embarrassed of his horrendous acting in this film. If he's not, I hope he's embarrassed of his super mullet, mesh t-shirts, leather pants, and the line "I'm gonna go get laid." (But the fact that he follows it with "Hasta... whatever" is fucking awesome.) Also, Red Forman is in this. Decent cast gone to waste?

Sherilyn Fenn is maybe the only cast member whose "overacting-as-a-way-of-compensating-for-the-horrific-script" actually works in her favor. Helena is an attention whore extraordinaire. For example, at one point, she strips off her dress at a huge super classy party and goes for a dip in the fountain while everyone watches, mouths agape. She's pretty much a horrible person, using her womanly wiles to control and humiliate any man that dares cross her path. By the end of the film, she's downright castrating. (But only verbally.) Julian Sands plays every girl's worst nightmare come true. One of those pathetic, obsessive nerds who will still love you regardless of how much of an asshole you are to them, and maybe even amputate all of your limbs in retaliation.

Boxing Helena is infamous for more than just being awful. Madonna was first attached to the project, until she dropped out to do Evita. Ed Harris was interested in playing Dr. Nick Cavanaugh, but he lost interest because of production continually being stalled. Kim Basinger verbally agreed to play Helena, but demanded some serious script revision. She wanted to "make Helena less of a bitch." The producer argued that making Helena less of a bitch, and more emotionally pleasing, would be incredibly damaging to the integrity of the film. Basinger dropped out pretty quickly. In perhaps one of the most famous Hollywood lawsuits ever, the producers of Boxing Helena sued Basinger for $5M in damages, bankrupting her and making pop culture history.

Subtlety is not Ms. Lynch's strong suit. Apparently she thinks this movie is some sort of metaphor? I'm not sure she knows what that actually means. If she did, she would have ended her movie more effectively. Plus with Helena's "A woman is...." and "Do you love me as a woman or as a possession?" monologues, I'm pretty sure she spells her intentions right out for us. A bird beating its wings against the cage that traps it? Copious shots of Venus de Milo? YEAH OK WE GET IT DUDE. Relationships suck. Cool.

Despite the issues that I have with this film, I do recommend it. It's one of those so-horribly-bad-that-you-feel-like-you-HAVE-to-see-it, despite-your-better-judgement films. It's an important piece of pop culture (though now a bit dated), and it may have changed the way movie studios do business forever, as they were pretty reliant on verbal contracts until Boxing Helena. As my boyfriend says, every film has its merits. Even if it's just the ability to discuss how bad it was.

Grade: B-