Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Jerk, Too (1984), Michael Schultz



In a perfect world, Steve Martin would be my older, wiser, charming, intelligent, and HILARIOUS boyfriend. We would eat dinner at 4:00 with a senior discount. He could introduce me to Tina Fey, maybe even Bill Murray. So what if he's old enough to be my grandpa? Have you seen him lately? He's still a babe. It's no secret that I worship Mr. Martin, and that The Jerk is my all-time favorite comedy. So, a few weeks ago, I noticed that Cinemageddon had a featured torrent entitled "The Jerk, Too." Without even reading about it or thinking twice, I downloaded it. Bad choice, my friends. Very. Bad. Choice.

The Jerk, Too pretty much, for lack of a better term, donkey-punches its predecessor. Navin Johnson goes from being a sheltered, naive jerk in the original film, to being a mentally handicapped, possibly autistic man-boy in The Jerk, Too. Navin is played lethargically by Mark Blankfeld, whose IMDb reads like a "Worst Movies Ever" list. He does somewhat resemble Steve Martin from certain angles, if you glance at him via your periphery when you're drunk or hanging upside down from your ceiling. He pretty much phones this one in anyways, so I wouldn't recommend going to the trouble.

I understand that this was intended to be a "reworking" of the original, but it's not even in the same spirit. It seemed as though, judging by the cutesy theme song and opening credits, that this was intended to be some kind of pilot? Thank your lucky stars that it never got picked up. It was kinda like a comedy, but someone forgot to write jokes. This "movie" insulted my intelligence and sullied my already outrageously high opinion of Steve Martin, due to his credit as executive producer. One can only assume that my Stevey had some alimony payments to make or something. This was TORTURE to sit through. This abomination is the kind of thing that the devil has playing on a loop in hell. Maybe this should be my new tagline: "I sit through shitty movies, so you don't have to."

Grade: Z

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Watchmen (2009), Zack Snyder


The most anticipated film adaptation of a comic of the past 25 years has finally arrived. The graphic novel, which just happens to be my favorite book of all time, has been deemed unfilmable even by Terry Gilliam's standards, not to mention caught up in litigation and Hollywood bullcrap pretty much since the book came out. Even this version of Watchmen was nearly doomed to never see the light of day at the last minute. Although this adaptation is sufficient, in my opinion, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like in the hands of Darren Aronofsky? If I were him, I'd have taken directing this over The Fountain any day. But I digress.

It's a good thing that this movie was not made before 2009, simply because the technology we have now makes it possible for Dr. Manhattan to look the way he should look, and for Archimedes to fly. And maybe because comics are now beginning to be seen as more than merely "kid's stuff."

The movie could not possibly have looked more like the book. Why use storyboards when the entire comic practically is a storyboard? You could pick out specific frames of the comic in some scenes, which is pretty much the most exciting thing ever for a nerd like myself. The costuming was pretty good. Rorschach's certainly stole the show, with his constantly morphing mask and an outfit to match his noirish demeanor. Too bad I hated his stupid Christian Bale voice. Dr. Manhattan was pretty much mind-blowing. He could not have looked more perfect. Jeffery Dean Morgan was shockingly good as The Comedian. Why do I only ever see him playing dead people? Malin Akerman was just awful- wooden, and most certainly nowhere near old enough. The music was a bit obvious, sure. But what do you want? Subtlety in a comic movie? Surely you jest. All things considered, I'd say Snyder did the best he could with a comic that NEVER should have been turned in to a movie. It was much more a superhero movie than the book was a superhero book. Snyder lost a lot of the Alan Moore's subtle social commentary in the translation from page to screen.

This is very much a fan's movie. That's not to say that the uninitiated won't enjoy it. In fact, my mom went with me to the midnight screening. She followed the story pretty well, and liked it enough to ask me if she could borrow the comic. But to get the full experience, it helps to be familiar with the book. I am super excited for the director's cut. I heard that it is possibly going to be released in theaters this summer? I can't really see non-fans lining up for that one, considering it will like be 4 hours long. This is not something that I'd want to see on a TV screen, so I'd like to see it a few more times before it goes out of theaters.