Attack of the B's!

Dear Reader,

2009-11-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

I've been a horrible blogger. I have been watching so many amazing things during the past 5 months and totally selfishly not writing about them. Why? Because I'm lazy. Sorry.

The fact that most of my readers come here to read about The Room is still abundantly clear. Since you all love The Room so much, read this. In addition to being one of the most amazing articles I've ever read, there is a bit of Wiseau info in there that literally made me scream when I read it. So stoked.

There are going to be some changes around here. My boyfriend is interested in giving this blog a serious makeover. I am considering branching out into writing about TV. And most importantly- I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO UPDATE! Please send your movie recommendations to tinydrinks@gmail.com. Thanks in advance.

Love,
Erin

2009-07-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Limits of Control (2009) Jim Jarmusch
By: Joe Y.

I went into this film with high hopes, which in all honesty might of been the reason why I felt the way I did after the film's conclusion. Jim Jarmusch's new film Limits of Control is a story about a loner embarking on a journey across Spain, to complete an act unbeknownst to the viewers until the film's conclusion. The film's star Isaach De Bankolé (Night on Earth, Ghost Dog, Coffee and Cigarettes) delivered a remarkable performance on screen, despite the fact that his character only has a handful of lines. The majority of the dialogue is delivered by the film's supporting cast including Gael Garcia Bernal (Amores Perros, Y Tu Mambien, Babel), John Hurt, Tilda Swinton and Bill Murray among many others. Each character the Loner meets on his journey engages him with existentialist conversations regarding music, film, science, etc. While I think that the film is beautifully shot, and for the most part beautifully acted, I couldn't help but feel unsatisfied by the film. It seems like only a small segment of what could be a miraculous story. Maybe I missed the main point of the story on my first watching but I can tell you that I am not rushing to see it again. Possibly the most depressing aspect of the film was Bill Murray's role. Only appearing on the screen for less than five minutes, Murray manages to deliver, imho, one of his worst roles ever. Visually I believe this film is remarkable and I have no complaints, but content wise I feel the film is not a right fit for me. As a huge Jarmusch fan I have to say overall I am disappointed.

Grade: C

New Contributor Alert!

2009-04-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

When I posted about The Room, I discovered (thanks to statcounter) that I actually have many RSS subscribers! Oh happy day! Thanks guys, I hope you stick around. (And don't forget to tell your friends!) I thought no one read this blog, but I've now realized that I need contributors. So I want to take this opportunity to welcome my first contributor, Joe!! He's a great guy and a huge film buff, so expect some variety and more frequent posting around here.

Observe and Report (2009), Jody Hill
By: Joe Y.

I am almost at a loss of words when it comes to this movie. I assumed going into it that is was going to be another writer/director trying to profit off the Apatow cast/trend and I wasn't completely off. Observe and Report is a story about a mentally unstable mall security guard, with dreams of grandeur, who invests himself in a case working against the police to find a local mall flasher.

I consider myself a fan of Seth Rogan, seeing as I have liked just about every film that he has starred/co-starred in, but I can't tell you what he was thinking when he took on this role (Or better yet what the producers and executive producers were thinking while funding it). The movie has a weak story structure and consists of crude humor and cheap laughs. That being said I did have my fair share of laughs while watching it. The funniest parts are few and far between though, leaving you waiting for the next big one. About halfway through the film it takes a turn from goofy summer comedy to an odd dark comedy. The whole mood of the film changes and it leaves you feeling mildly amused and disturbed at the same time. The film finally concludes with one of the most unbelievable and absurd endings but I would be a liar if I said I did not laugh. I would advise against spending any money seeing this film but it is worth a watch at least once.

I want to give this movie a D but I can't help but give it a C+.

2009-04-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

The Room (2003), Tommy Wiseau

If you live anywhere other than LA, chances are you have never heard of The Room. In the past 5+ years, this film has taken on a life of its own. It's our generation's Rocky Horror Picture Show. Perhaps that is a bold statement, but it's certainly not an exaggeration. People show up at midnight screenings dressed as their favorite characters, throw things at the screen, yell out insults directed at the film, and act out their favorite scenes. This film has a pretty impressive list of celebrity fans: Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, basically the entire cast of The State, Tim Heidecker, Eric Wareheim, Kristen Bell, Edgar Wright, and David Cross, to name a few. It's about to blow up, thanks to Adult Swim. Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! had Tommy Wiseau direct and star in a recent episode, and they showed the film as an April Fool's joke all day last week, with the rampant nudity censored by large black boxes.

So where do I begin with this movie? It seems to be a vanity film gone very wrong. Or right, depending on how you look at it. A friend recently described it as "either the best or the worst movie ever." Tommy Wiseau serves as the director, writer, star, executive producer, and financier of The Room... does that tell you anything? Most of the cast doubled as crew, and it's rumored the cast/crew turned over about 3 times during shooting, probably due to everyone in the world being confused as hell by Tommy Wiseau as a person, not to mention as a boss. Somehow, Wiseau wrangled a mysterious (as in he won't divulge his sources) $6M to make this movie, yet it looks like it was made for about $6.

Though this movie was made in 2003, the costuming puts it at roughly 1998. The frumpy hair and dark, unkempt eyebrows of the "sexy" (read: kinda chubby, with weird boobs and ugly clothes) femme fatale character certainly don't help. The soundtrack is awful, generic R&B crap ("I will stand in the way of a bullet/I will run through a forest of flames," for example) that burns itself into your subconscious, preventing you from ever being able to get it out of your head. The acting is on par with your average Skinemax movie, with the exception of maybe "Chris-R," the crazy drug dealer guy. Yes, this movie "deals" with such serious topics as drugs, infidelity, terminal illness, and home decor (placing your TV behind a chair, or putting up countless framed photos of spoons).

There is no way Tommy Wiseau is 40 years old (I'm thinking 50+), or from New Orleans, as he likes to claim. I'm not even sure that he's of this planet. Wiseau has an odd presence, like the antithesis of charm, but it somehow works for him. "A half-drunk, Croatian cyborg," is probably the most accurate description I have come across. Based on watching The Room as many times as I have, there are a few things you can deduce about Tommy as a person:

This man has never seen a nude woman. (He is clearly having sex with Lisa's mid-torso region throughout the film. This is not Videodrome. That is probably why she prefers his best friend, Mark.)
This man hates women. (The casual misogyny of this film is acknowledged by LA fans screaming "BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN!" after practically every sentence.)
This man has never had an alcoholic beverage in his life. (That is the only way "scotchka" and the awkward drunk scene can possibly be explained.)
This man genuinely sees himself as a Christ-like figure. (Paying Denny, the possibly autistic man-boy's rent and tuition, bringing Lisa roses every day, the position in which he dies. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Oops.)
This man is a genius. (He had the terrific idea to purchase billboard space advertising the film on an extremely busy LA freeway for 4 years, probably where most of that $6M went to. I would recommend watching interviews with him to see how he skillfully deflects any questioning of his motives in the making of his film. I almost thought about maybe believing that he so casually dropped the subject of Claudette's breast cancer on purpose.)

This is a movie that you simply cannot watch alone. It practically begs to be watched with lots of other people, preferably strangers. If you get really into it, here's a guide on how to view it interactively. Everything I want to say about this film has probably already been said, and said better, so I am going to direct you to a few articles that will convince you to see this film if I haven't already:

Entertainment Weekly- The article that introduced the rest of America to The Room!

NPR- Pictures AND video!

LAist- An interview with Wiseau himself!

So Much Fun It Hurts- Another blogger's obsession! (Bonus: The Room in NYC, complete with David Wain appearance!)

Cult Media Studies- A more academic review.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!- An episode directed and starring Tommy Wiseau!

If you'd like to submit your own The Room review, please do so at tinydrinks@gmail.com. I'll post it.

2009-03-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

The Jerk, Too (1984), Michael Schultz

In a perfect world, Steve Martin would be my older, wiser, charming, intelligent, and HILARIOUS boyfriend. We would eat dinner at 4:00 with a senior discount. He could introduce me to Tina Fey, maybe even Bill Murray. So what if he's old enough to be my grandpa? Have you seen him lately? He's still a babe. It's no secret that I worship Mr. Martin, and that The Jerk is my all-time favorite comedy. So, a few weeks ago, I noticed that Cinemageddon had a featured torrent entitled "The Jerk, Too." Without even reading about it or thinking twice, I downloaded it. Bad choice, my friends. Very. Bad. Choice.

The Jerk, Too pretty much, for lack of a better term, donkey-punches its predecessor. Navin Johnson goes from being a sheltered, naive jerk in the original film, to being a mentally handicapped, possibly autistic man-boy in The Jerk, Too. Navin is played lethargically by Mark Blankfeld, whose IMDb reads like a "Worst Movies Ever" list. He does somewhat resemble Steve Martin from certain angles, if you glance at him via your periphery when you're drunk or hanging upside down from your ceiling. He pretty much phones this one in anyways, so I wouldn't recommend going to the trouble.

I understand that this was intended to be a "reworking" of the original, but it's not even in the same spirit. It seemed as though, judging by the cutesy theme song and opening credits, that this was intended to be some kind of pilot? Thank your lucky stars that it never got picked up. It was kinda like a comedy, but someone forgot to write jokes. This "movie" insulted my intelligence and sullied my already outrageously high opinion of Steve Martin, due to his credit as executive producer. One can only assume that my Stevey had some alimony payments to make or something. This was TORTURE to sit through. This abomination is the kind of thing that the devil has playing on a loop in hell. Maybe this should be my new tagline: "I sit through shitty movies, so you don't have to."

Grade: Z

2009-03-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

Watchmen (2009), Zack Snyder

The most anticipated film adaptation of a comic of the past 25 years has finally arrived. The graphic novel, which just happens to be my favorite book of all time, has been deemed unfilmable even by Terry Gilliam's standards, not to mention caught up in litigation and Hollywood bullcrap pretty much since the book came out. Even this version of Watchmen was nearly doomed to never see the light of day at the last minute. Although this adaptation is sufficient, in my opinion, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like in the hands of Darren Aronofsky? If I were him, I'd have taken directing this over The Fountain any day. But I digress.

It's a good thing that this movie was not made before 2009, simply because the technology we have now makes it possible for Dr. Manhattan to look the way he should look, and for Archimedes to fly. And maybe because comics are now beginning to be seen as more than merely "kid's stuff."

The movie could not possibly have looked more like the book. Why use storyboards when the entire comic practically is a storyboard? You could pick out specific frames of the comic in some scenes, which is pretty much the most exciting thing ever for a nerd like myself. The costuming was pretty good. Rorschach's certainly stole the show, with his constantly morphing mask and an outfit to match his noirish demeanor. Too bad I hated his stupid Christian Bale voice. Dr. Manhattan was pretty much mind-blowing. He could not have looked more perfect. Jeffery Dean Morgan was shockingly good as The Comedian. Why do I only ever see him playing dead people? Malin Akerman was just awful- wooden, and most certainly nowhere near old enough. The music was a bit obvious, sure. But what do you want? Subtlety in a comic movie? Surely you jest. All things considered, I'd say Snyder did the best he could with a comic that NEVER should have been turned in to a movie. It was much more a superhero movie than the book was a superhero book. Snyder lost a lot of the Alan Moore's subtle social commentary in the translation from page to screen.

This is very much a fan's movie. That's not to say that the uninitiated won't enjoy it. In fact, my mom went with me to the midnight screening. She followed the story pretty well, and liked it enough to ask me if she could borrow the comic. But to get the full experience, it helps to be familiar with the book. I am super excited for the director's cut. I heard that it is possibly going to be released in theaters this summer? I can't really see non-fans lining up for that one, considering it will like be 4 hours long. This is not something that I'd want to see on a TV screen, so I'd like to see it a few more times before it goes out of theaters.

2009-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

Meet Wally Sparks (1997), Peter Baldwin

Holy crap, this movie sucks. It actually kinda blows my mind how much it sucks. (Wait a minute- no, it doesn't.) I don't even really feel like going into the suckage specifics but I suppose you, the reader, have the right to know.

I'm very much a fan of Rodney Dangerfield but this movie was cheap (I'm talking both budget and jokes here), completely nonsensical (in a bad way), and was so boring that I ended up pausing it and researching other movies I could wash the taste out of my mouth with for about 20 minutes at one point. There is a ridiculous amount of cameos in this movie, from Michael Bolton to Tony Danza, none of which are interesting or funny enough to really perk up the movie though.

If anyone would like to take this piece of crap off my hands, I will mail it to you, free of charge. Contact me at tinydrinks@gmail.com if you're interested.

2009-01-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

Il Portiere di notte (1974), Liliana Cavani
The Night Porter

Charlotte Rampling plays Lucia, a former concentration camp prisoner, who was "involved" with Nazi officer Max (Dirk Bogarde) during her imprisonment. Their involvement was more emotionally and mentally sado-masochistic than physically. The war ends, Lucia is released, and goes on to marry a famous orchestra conductor. Meanwhile, Max is waiting hand and foot on wealthy people as a fancy hotel's night porter. By some crazy coincidence, Lucia and her husband end up staying at Max's hotel. She and Max stalk and spy on each other, she tells the husband to leave without her, and Max and Lucia start where they left off. They probably would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for Max's meddling Nazi friends hoping to keep the dream alive. It's kind of a Romeo and Juliet story for people who really love being bored.

I watched this as part of my ongoing quest to see every movie in the Criterion Collection. It seems as though this is a well-liked and highly regarded film in the "controversial mainstream S&M-lite" genre. It is often compared to Last Tango in Paris. I'd have to agree in the sense that they were both shocking in the 1970s, but 30 years later, they're just dull and pretentious. The infamous "Concentration camp prisoner dresses as a topless Nazi and sings a song in German to entertain a roomful of Nazi officers" segment is usually hyped up as the pinnacle of the film. It sounds at least kind of interesting, right? Well, save yourself two hours, because it's not.

I can't even really see why this is in the Criterion Collection. I don't see how it is important enough to be preserved in such a manner. The cinematography was amateurish and the acting wasn't all that great. Just because a movie gets banned doesn't make it good.

Grade: C-

2009-01-04T09:50:00.001-08:00

Man with the Golden Arm (1955), Otto Preminger

First off, let me just say that this film has one of the greatest posters, not to mention opening credits sequences, I have ever seen in my life. Man with the Golden Arm was directed by noir master Otto Preminger. It stars Ol' Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra, and Kim Novak plays his woman on the side. Watch closely for Darren McGavin of Billy Madison and A Christmas Story fame as one of the most evil drug dealers in film history. Yeah, you heard me. This is a drug movie. Starring Frank Sinatra. In 1955. Mind blown yet?

Sinatra plays Frankie Machine, an aspiring jazz drummer and full time card shark, fresh out of rehab for heroin addiction. Zosch, his high-strung, constantly nagging, wheelchair-bound wife is sort of the femme fatale of the film. No wonder he runs right into another less annoying, much more attractive, presumably younger woman's (Novak) arms. He may be able to escape his wife, but he can't seem to shake the bad influences in his life. Just when he thinks he is out, they pull him back in. Soon he is back dealing cards to in a shady poker game, with his former H dealer practically breathing down his neck. How's a guy supposed to practice the jazz drums and make it with his broad under that kinda pressure?

Extremely controversial at the time of it's release (delayed a year due to the MPAA being a bunch of tightasses), Sinatra is surprisingly convincing as a helpless junkie. Almost a little too convincing, if you ask me. Reportedly, he literally jumped at the chance to play Frankie Machine, ousting the studio's original choice of Marlon Brando. I bet if Brando was in this movie, it would be a bit less obscure.

The entire thing was obviously filmed on a soundstage. Some would consider this a drawback, but in my opinion, it just adds to the claustrophobic feeling of the film. It's one of the first movies of its kind, as most drug movies up to that point were of the "roadshow" variety: preachy, holier-than-thou, horribly written/acted/shot. This is more like a proto-Requiem For a Dream. Man With the Golden Arm is now in public domain, so it can be easily and cheaply obtained. I saw a copy at Big Lots, for Christ's sake. However, this also means that most copies are pretty poor quality. Like, sub-VHS quality. If you can overlook that, I think you'll be pretty pleased!

Grade: A

2009-01-03T16:47:00.001-08:00

Southland Tales (2006), Richard Kelly

Southland Tales is Richard Kelly's trainwreck of a follow-up to 2001's Donnie Darko. After watching this, I can safely say that Donnie Darko was probably just a happy accident. There is no way- NO WAY- that Kelly made that movie on purpose. I personally am not really a fan of Donnie Darko, but I can certainly see why people are fans. It's weird, but not too weird. Indie, yet accessible. It makes you think, but not too much. And the performances are, admittedly, pretty damn good. But this is not a Donnie Darko review! Oh no. From here on out, it's all about Southland Tales.

It seems as though Southland Tales was intended to be a blockbuster, due to the heavy volume of famous actors involved, but ended up as something quite... different. I'm sure all of these people signed on because they loved Donnie Darko so much. I bet none of them actually read the script. Throughout the entire movie, I couldn't help but wonder what sort of direction Kelly had given the actors, and how they managed to get any takes in which the actors weren't laughing at the horrendous dialogue they had to deliver.

Everything about this movie is over the top. The plot of the movie is self-indulgent, half-baked, and hard to follow. The special effects must've been at least 80% of the budget. Kevin Smith is in this movie somewhere- can you find him? Oh, probably not, because he's covered in prosthetics and fake hair. I wonder if that's because he was embarrassed to be involved?

Go into this movie with an open mind. Southland Tales is a MUST SEE for anyone that likes a little epic fail in their movies. It wants to say so many things, but Kelly is not nearly proficient enough in his craft to be able to say them, especially not in a reasonable amount of time. I kind of feel that way about this review. There are so many things to say about this movie, but why say them? Just go along for the ride. It is definitely not unwatchable, despite what this review may have implied. The original cut was apparently four hours long, but thankfully Kelly paired it down to 2 1/2 for theater release. The lowest rated film at Cannes in 2006, this film is confusing, poorly written, yet unfortunately not Kelly's final film. From the looks of his IMDb, he's got two movies in the bag for '09. Lucky us!

Grade: A (for Effort)

2008-12-22T12:32:00.001-08:00

Motel Hell (1980), Kevin Connor

I'm not sure that I know how to accurately describe just how creepy this movie is. And it's not the sets, it's not the script, and there isn't an overly exorbitant amount of gore. It's Rory Calhoun. That guy is creepy, man. He's like a weirdo pedo-uncle or something, I don't know.

Moving on, this is one of the better, more self-aware slashers of the 80s. It's clearly supposed to be funny, which is a lot more than can be said for most of its peers. Basically Farmer Vincent and his possibly incestually inclined sister Ida kidnap people who happen upon their beloved Motel Hello. (The "o" on their sign is burnt out... get it? Huh? GET IT?!?!?!) They bury them in the backyard for reasons unknown, then plow them up when they need a fresh crop of flesh for Farmer Vincent's Smoked Meat. Farmer Vincent takes a special liking to one of the kidnap-ees, which Ida is none too pleased about. Vincent and Ida have a hunky cop brother who is also in love with the beautiful captive. Oh what tangled webs!!

There isn't really much in the way of a plot here, although certainly attempts are made. It's entertaining, light-hearted fare that I would suggest watching with others for MST3K-style fun.

Grade: B

2008-12-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), Howard Deutch

Nerdy, artsy boy falls for popular girl who is actually poor, while not noticing that his hot but tomboyish best friend is in love with him. There are some rich asshole dudes and some skinheads. All that really matters about this movie is the kiss you see below, which is possibly my favorite movie kiss of all time.

This movie has been a favorite of mine since my preteen years. I will always be a sucker for movies where best friends fall in love. I used to watch it incessantly on TBS and even videotaped it at one point, making sure not to record any of the commercials. Oh, the 90s.

Some Kind of Wonderful was written by John Hughes, who also wrote the incredibly similar Pretty in Pink just one year prior. In my most humble of opinions, I think that Some Kind of Wonderful is actually the superior film. I believe it has the ending that Pretty in Pink absolutely should have had. (I mean seriously, who would ever pick Andrew McCarthy over Jon Cryer? Idiots!!!) I also think that Andie and her friends were a forced cool in PiP, whereas in SKoW the characters of Watts and Keith seem a bit more realistically cool. Like, I would hang out with them if they lived in Cleveland. But especially Watts, cause she seems like my kinda girl.

There are a few parts of this movie that make no sense to me, such as: at what point does Keith fall in love with Watts? When Amanda tells him to? Why does Watts accept the earrings? Isn't that kind of against her character? And why in god's name did Keith even waste his college money to buy them in the first place? Serious creepazoid!! (And wow, four years of college must've been cheap back in 1987...)

All peculiar behavior aside, this is a great fluff movie. There is just something about John Hughes movies that makes any plot hole, or horrible performance (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ANDREW McCARTHY...) , or poor fashion choice overlook-able. These movies are intended to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, like you can get the girl even if you're a nerd, the popular guy does notice you, and that asshole that torments you at school will get his ass kicked by a skinhead! If only we all could've gone to Shermer High.

Grade: A

2008-12-03T20:06:00.001-08:00

À ma soeur! (2001), Catherine Breillat
Fat Girl

A young girl vacations with her slightly older, and much more conventionally attractive sister and their parents. The sisters decide they want to lose their respective virginities on this trip, and almost immediately, the older sister gets her first chance at it. What happens next is an excellent example of what can go wrong when you are a young girl with a taste for older men. The ending comes completely out of left field, and I refuse to elaborate, other than to say I cannot see this movie ending any other way.

Fat Girl is the first Breillat movie I have ever seen, and immediately after it was over, I found every movie of hers I possibly could and put them on my Netflix queue. Watching this film, I felt the same way I have many times when watching things like My So-Called Life, or Freaks and Geeks. It just so perfectly depicts how awful and heartbreaking it sometimes is to grow up. I almost felt like it was something that happened to me once, but I had blocked it from memory. Probably because similar things/feelings did happen to me, but I digress. Sure, a lot of the events in this film could be considered sensational, but it is ridiculous to think that things like these don't happen. Any sensationalism in this film works in its favor, as it tends to be more thought-provoking than exploitative.

I definitely recommend this to females with sisters close in age, in particular. I feel as though perhaps I am being a bit sexist in saying that, but Breillat has clearly skewed this film toward a female audience. It deals with a lot of sexual and gender issues, as well as the relationship between sisters going through their teenage years together. It also brings up something I have thought my whole life: smart, interesting, but average-looking women get shafted, while their more attractive, less substantial counterparts get the attention. C'est la vie.

Grade: A

2008-12-02T15:28:00.001-08:00

The Van (1977), Sam Grossman

A goofy looking (apparently only to me, as everyone else in the film seemed to think he was really cool and sexy...), virginal ginger buys a tricked out van in order to pick up chicks. He ends up successfully boning chicks based solely on the fact that he has a sweet van. And he drag races other vans, which I didn't even know could happen. And that is literally all there is to it. In other words, this movie blew my mind. This is, by far, the most WTF? movie I have seen so far in life.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, that happens in this movie is coherent or logical in any way. It seems like they were just writing it as they went along, until they got to 75 minutes. Its intended audience was drunk high school kids at the drive in that probably wouldn't be paying attention to the movie, because they themselves were probably boning chicks in the backs of their vans. Do you think these kids were expecting Bergman? But I digress. I think Grossman actually succeeded in creating an unintentional surrealist film. The whole thing is like a dream. The dream of a 12 year old boy, I suspect.

Perhaps the fact that it is slathered in 70s era fads makes it super unreal to me. Since I had the misfortune (apparently) of not being born until the mid-80s, I will never understand 70s van culture. Or the CB craze. Or 18 year olds being able to drink in bars. Or tucking your sweet new van-themed t-shirt into your high-waisted bell-bottom jeans. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I liked this movie. I liked it a lot. It just confused the hell out of me. I think the 12 year old boy that wrote it was pretty confused too. I highly recommend this to lovers of 70s so-cheesy-it-might-as-well-be-Velveeta cinema. And please let me know if you do end up watching and/or enjoying this film, as it seems to be pretty obscure, despite its bargain bin cost and abundant availability.

Grade: lol wut?

2008-11-23T11:47:00.003-08:00

The Trip (1967), Roger Corman

If you felt that you had to have a dude spot you while you were tripping, wouldn't you want it to be Bruce Dern? That beard, that voice... soooo soooothing. There's NO WAY you could possibly have a bad trip, right? Not if you're Paul Groves (Peter Fonda), a stressed-to-the-max commercial director in the midst of a soul-crushing divorce.

Things start off well enough. Paul asks his acid guru pal John (Dern) if he can assist him in his quest for mind expansion, so John takes Paul over to Max's (played by Dennis Hopper!) fully stocked and tricked out hippie pad. Paul's trip begins as a mighty good one, until bad thoughts start creeping in. He begins to see death, torture, and various unsavory-looking people. He freaks out and runs around the streets of Los Angeles. Can John catch up to him before he, I don't know... jumps off a bridge?

Not much plot to speak of here, as 90% of the movie consists of Paul's hallucinations. I couldn't decide if it was supposed to be for or against acid, so it's definitely not calling morals into play, as most drug movies do. It was written by Jack Nicholson(!), and he, Roger Corman, Peter Fonda, and Dennis Hopper participated in a group trip before production started. They really don't make movies like this anymore.

Grade: B+

2008-11-23T11:47:00.001-08:00

i ♥ huckabees (2004), David O. Russell

A young man suffers an existential crisis, and turns to a husband and wife duo of "existential detectives" for help. The plot gets pretty convoluted from there, so I will spare you from what would probably be a very inept plot summary on my part. In fact, I'm just going to assume I'm the last person on Earth to see this.

I thought I would hate this movie. And I did, until about halfway through. The scene at the doorman's dinner table is what got me. I'm not sure what it was, but from then on, I really enjoyed it! I don't know what my beef was, I love basically all of the main actors. Even Mark Wahlberg was brilliant! Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed that it took me so long to see this movie. It looks like a very accessible mainstream comedy, but it's definitely written for the thinking person. Oh, and apparently Shania Twain hates chicken salad.

Grade: A

2008-11-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

Hell House (2001), George Ratliff

I'm sure you've all heard of a Hell House. "Haunted Houses" set up by Christian fanatics to show us heathens what will happen to us if we continue down our respective paths of sin. The Trinity Church's concept has spawned thousands of Hell Houses across the nation.

I can't speak for every Hell House, but this one was particularly wrought with contradiction. First of all, the idea of doing such a thing for profit in the first place seems very Un-Christian. It was made up of several rooms, each depicting a behavior that could potentially send you straight to Hell. That is, unless you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. But I'll get to that later. The situations depicted in the Hell House were perfect examples of Christians' two biggest fears: female sexuality, and homosexuality. The teenage, unmarried girl who has sex, gets pregnant, and gets an abortion nearly gets sent to Hell. But what of the boy who got her pregnant? The blasphemous homosexual male contracts AIDS, refuses Christ, and gets sent directly to Hell.

Some of the scenes are just so mind blowingly inaccurate and out of touch, you can't help but giggle. Like the rave scene, created by people who have obviously never been to a rave. Or the occult scene, in which they accidentally(?) made a "pentagram" which was actually a Star of David. Women also don't usually bleed out and die from abortions. And blaming a girl for her childhood molestation at the hands of a relative? Yikes...

At the end of Hell House, you must make a decision. If you exit through one door, there are loads of people in there, ready and willing to "save" you. It's a full contact thing, complete with speaking in tongues. If you exit through the other door... well, sorry dudes, but you're going to Hell.

This film was fascinating. One scene in particular, where a group of teenage hellions approach Trinity's pastor (and he actually takes the time to answer all their questions), sticks in my mind. Both parties are shockingly respectful towards one another, and the outcome is actually pretty positive. Although, I admit, it is just a little bit tough to take a bunch of kids in Slipknot gear seriously. I definitely recommend it to any other atheists out there, but I think Christians will find it interesting too. If ever there was a question in your mind why people are turned off by Christianity, Hell House has more than enough answers for you.

Grade: A

Short Take:

2008-11-20T12:25:00.001-08:00

Imprint (2006), Takashi Miike

The only unaired episode of Showtime's Masters of Horror anthology series. It was banned from airing due to its "disturbing" nature, however, it was included in the DVD release. I suppose that yes, this little made-for-TV movie would have been disturbing to most "normal" people. To me it was a disappointment, as it seemed as though Miike was just recycling old concepts from his earlier films. I do love a good horror anthology show, though. I have many fond memories of pretending to be asleep while my grams was watching (for example) Tales From the Crypt, or The Hitchhiker. Given this weakness, I found it hard to truly dislike Imprint.

Grade: B

2008-11-19T11:23:00.001-08:00

M (1931), Fritz Lang

A serial killer targets young children, much to the dismay of both the cops who can't seem to catch him, as well as the man's fellow criminals. You see, any criminal that is this hard to catch causes problems for ALL criminals. The police subject the townspeople to thorough ID checks and regular raids, which is bad news for non-law abiding citizens. In other words: he's hurting their business. So while the cops futilely search for the killer, the town's other criminals go on a search of their own, proving to be more successful due to their underground network.

Peter Lorre is genuinely terrifying in this film. His facial expressions are that of a truly insane person. Every time he ominously whistles "In the Hall of the Mountain King," you know something unsavory as all hell is about to go down. The ending is mind-blowingly good. Lorre gives a very brilliant, albeit haunting monologue that will stick with you forever.

This was Lang's first "talkie." There are long periods without sound, and the technique proves to be quite effective in building tension. The acting and direction were, of course, superb. This is widely regarded as one of the greatest achievements in the German Expressionist genre, as well as in film history. Highly influential, M's shadowy cinematography, dark subject matter, voiceovers, and use of antiheroes had a large hand in creating the film noir genre.

Grade: A+

2008-11-19T11:22:00.000-08:00

Mil gritos tiene la noche (1982), Juan Piquer Simón
PIECES

Although Pieces is a Spanish movie, it comes off like the giallo Fulci never directed. Okay, actually, I take that back. Pieces is a little too... stupid for Fulci. Maybe Bruno Mattei would be more appropriate? Anyhow, this movie is extremely misogynistic, and most definitely politically incorrect. The genesis of the killer's rage was his mom finding all his porno mags/jigsaw puzzles (WTF? Yeah.) and trying to burn them when he was probably 7 or 8. In retaliation, he chops her head open with an axe and totally gets away with it! What a little asshole. Then about 40 years later, a serial killer begins targeting the beautiful buxom broads at a local college. He chops them into bits and keeps some chunks as souvenirs. Any idiot can figure out what he's up to. Especially since you are beaten over the head with jigsaw imagery. But seriously, who is the killer? The creepy, molester-looking gardener? The exaggeratedly gay professor? Kendall, the campus Rico Suave? I mean, I figured it out in the first 5 minutes- I feel like if you've seen one giallo, you've seen 'em all.

Some of my favorite parts- the undercover cop screaming "BASSSSSSSSTARD! BASTARDDDDDDDDDD! BAAAAAAAAAAASTARRRRRRRRD!" over and over again for like 5 minutes; the random Kung-fu attack and its explanation; pants pissing; the completely random and nonsensical ending. There are so many things that are just wrong with this movie. It's a real piece of shit. It's also gory and hilarious, although unintentionally so. It's like everything I could ever want in a movie. Thank Satan for Grindhouse Releasing, because they've re-released this formerly hard to find gem on DVD. If you can get ahold of a copy, please do so. It is so worth it.

Grade: A

2008-11-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

Chatterbox (1977), Tom DeSimone

A sexy lady's vagina inexplicably begins to talk at the most inopportune times. Have I got you hooked yet? Penny's vagina, adorably nicknamed "Virginia," begins to take on a personality and voice of her own, somewhere between Mae West and Don Rickles. After Virginia causes Penny to lose her man (Ted, who was kind of an egomaniac, not to mention unattractive) and her job as a hairstylist, she seeks help from her psychiatrist, Dr. Pearl. Unfortunately, Dr. Pearl is an opportunist, and sees Virginia as he and Penny's chance to become rich and famous. Penny is completely mortified by her newfound talent, but I suppose if you can't change something, you've got to embrace it.

I felt very uncomfortable during the scenes in which Virginia was performing, particularly the first one, where Penny was stark nude onstage in front of hundreds of men essentially raping her with their eyes. This is a sexploitation film of the most devious sort. You go to see a movie about a talking vagina, expecting to see said vagina, and all you get are boobs. Although Penny is always somewhere between rarely and barely clothed, Virginia is always covered in what I would call a "vagina tube top," or "lady's codpiece." I bet Chatterbox made ~~a lot of money~~ a few bucks from this underhanded technique.

I also liked the mentions of Virginia putting Gloria Steinem to shame, and Betty Friedan challenging Virginia to a debate. As if this were, in some way, even a remotely feminist film. But don't get me wrong- this movie is not malicious in any way. By even conjuring up those names, it assures me that I was correct in concluding that the filmmakers were in on the joke just as much as the viewer. While it is incredibly amateur in skill (e.g. most visible boom mic ever about 6 minutes in), that gives it a sense of innocence that you won't find in most sexploitation films. If you are looking for a fun, fluff-filled way to pass 70 minutes, I would suggest it. Add it to my list of ultra-polarizing date movies.

Grade: A-

P.S. My mom is cooler than your mom, because she recommended this to me!

2008-11-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

Bad Lieutenant (1992), Abel Ferrara

"Bad" is an understatement. The nameless lieutenant, played to near perfection by Harvey Keitel, drops his kids off at school, then spends the rest of his day smoking crack, snorting coke, shooting heroin, obsessively gambling, having three ways with anonymous lesbians, and jerking off to underage girls. His whole life changes when a nun is raped in his district, forcing him to question everything he knows about Catholicism and the power of forgiveness in this modern-day allegory of Jesus Christ.

It's not an easy movie to watch. It's rated NC-17, if that tells you anything. The copious instances of drug abuse were very clinical and matter-of-fact in nature, which I found profoundly disturbing. The viewer is given no indication as to how long he had been using drugs, which is somewhat disorienting when his family is shown to basically just ignore it (and him). Clearly, this man is a walking cry for help. The only people who seem to see anything wrong with his behavior are his dealers. It's very hard to believe he can hold down a job, let alone one as a police lieutenant in NYC.

When he assists in the nun's rape investigation, he sees a chance at redemption. He wants to take it upon himself to find the rapists and bring them to his own brand of justice. The nun has been astonishingly unhelpful in the investigation thus far. She knows who raped her, but refuses to tell. He confronts her about this in what I thought was the most heart-wrenching scene in the whole film. The nun explains to Bad Lt. that she doesn't want any more attempts at justice, because she has already forgiven her attackers. He explains to her that she is not the only woman in the world, she's not even the only nun, and she is sending these rapists the message that they can rape whomever they please and get away with it. He experiences a moral metamorphosis of sorts, and finds the redemption he has been seeking all along.

I highly recommend this film, and I would say that for people who are unfamiliar with Ferrara's work, Bad Lieutenant is a good place to start. I also think it's funny that Harvey Keitel was in three films in '92: this, Reservoir Dogs, and Sister Act. (One of these things is not like the others...) Keitel's performance was very convincing, even the part where he cries. When you think of how a tough, musclebound junkie would cry, I'd say it sound pretty close to that. The ending is pretty rough, but not totally unexpected. Abel Ferrara's song over the end credits is... uhhhh... interesting, and certainly not to be missed.

Grade: A

2008-11-17T11:52:00.001-08:00

Chicken Hawk: Men Who Love Boys (1994), Adi Sideman

Sorry guys, no picture for this one, because I don't want to Google Image Search it. I think you can understand. This is by far the most horrific film I have ever seen in my life. The night I watched it, I couldn't sleep, so I would recommend that you watch it mid-day. The truly terrifying thing is that there is no narration. The documentarians don't go out of their way to slant your view one way or the other. They just let the cameras roll, and I think the material truly speaks for itself.

All of the men interviewed are beyond delusional. Some even go as far as to say that they are not the pursuers, but rather, the pursuees. Some of them claim they are doing the children a favor, or helping adult homosexuals by "training" them young. They invite themselves to Gay Rights marches, much to the dismay of their fellow participants.

Another thing that really freaked me out- among the people interviewed were a few boys who had been unsuccessfully approached by one of the men featured in the film, as well as their parents' reactions. There was also a man featured who was a victim of sexual abuse as a child, who claims he "enjoyed it" and "was in control." Sure, pal. He said these experiences led him to be a boy-lover in his adulthood. Well ain't that just terrific? Congrats, asshole.

It also showed the "other side" of the story, in which the molesters are verbally abused and called out in public. Wah fucking wah. You prey on children. Get over it, creeps.

This was still a really good and fair portrayal. If my mind wasn't so made up that I HATE CHILD MOLESTERS, I may have gained some insight. I don't know whether or not to recommend this to anyone. If you like a good documentary, or you're interested in abnormal psych, then by all means- go for it.

Grade: ?

2008-11-17T11:51:00.001-08:00

Frat House (1998), Andrew Gurland and Todd Phillips

This documentary was originally filmed with the intention for HBO's America Undercover. However, due to many factors, which you will understand when you view the film, it remains to be seen on TV and is quite hard to come by in VHS or DVD form. Gurland and Phillips attempt to observe what really happens during fraternity rush. After a while, the frat they are filming becomes uncooperative, and the two must figure out another way to finish the film. Their saving grace comes when a frat allows them to film their rush, but under a few conditions: the name of the college must never be mentioned, nor the name of the frat. Oh, and they also have to pledge along with the rest of the pledge class. Hazing ensues. Duh.

People might try to say that this movie is disturbing or whatever, but they're wrong. I wasn't disturbed. I'd say I was simply shocked at the lengths people will go to in order to avoid individuality. And maybe weeping for the future a bit, as these ~~fucking assholes~~ people are now about 10 years older than me. Now that I know about all the allegations of staging and scripting, it's kind of hard to see it in a good light retrospectively. It does have one of the most hilarious last lines ever put on film. But you need to watch the entire thing for it to be hilarious. It's short, just watch it.

Todd Phillips actually went on to direct several movies (such as Old School and Road Trip, and oddly enough, the GG Allin documentary Hated) which are considered canon for any frat boy these days. He tried to expose these ruffians, but ended up helping their cause. Isn't it ironic? Dude is probably so rich now. So really, who laughs last?

Grade: B-

Short Take:

2008-11-14T07:00:00.001-08:00

The Bridge (2006), Eric Steel

The title of this film of course refers to the Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco, CA. Eric Steel, a first-time documentary filmmaker, was commissioned to do a piece on the Golden Gate. He actually ended up unintentionally capturing 23 of the 24 suicides that occurred there in 2004 on film. The friends and families of the deceased are interviewed, as well as a survivor. This film is very jarring, in more ways than one. Between seeing actual suicides and the issues in mental health care it brings up, this is one documentary you will never forget.

Grade: A+

2008-11-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

Parasite (1982), Charles Band

Originally shown in 3-D, Parasite is really only well-known for being Demi Moore's screen debut. It was one of many "parasite" movies of the late 70s-early 80s. (Thanks a lot, Cronenberg.) Parasite is set in a post-apocalyptic world. Interestingly enough, the setting is completely unrelated to the plot of the film. Basically there is a dude carrying a parasite in his abdomen, and another one in a Thermos. The one in the Thermos gets out, and he has to find it in order to rid of both of the parasites.

Everyone in Parasite is a total asshole, except Demi Moore. One of said assholes drives a Lamborghini, and that was probably 95% of the movie's budget. It's a really awesome movie, if you love schlock as much as I do. Seeing the parts that were supposed to be scary in 3-D was most of the fun!

Charles Band is a legend. He's been making movies for almost 40 years, with no end in sight! He's a producer, director, writer, sometimes actor... Mr. Band is a movie machine. Surely if you are reading this, you've seen some of his movies; like Ghoulies, Dolls, Troll, or Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. I shudder to think what my life would be like if movies like these did not exist.

Grade: B

2008-11-12T22:23:00.001-08:00

Låt den rätte komma in (2008), Tomas Alfredson
Let The Right One In

Oskar is a bright, but very meek, 12 year old. He is picked on mercilessly at school, and his home life is pretty disappointing as well. One day, a new kid named Eli moves into the apartment next to his. Although Eli is super mysterious and kinda funny smelling, Oskar feels an instant connection with her. Eli is very reluctant to form a friendship with Oskar, as she is not exactly what she appears to be. Although she looks like a 12 year old girl, Eli is actually a 200-year old vampire who used to be a boy named Elias- which means that Oskar has a life-changing choice to make.

I should probably explain a few things that will help you understand the film a bit more, as they are explained in the book but not fully acknowledged in the movie. Eli was castrated and turned into a vampire when he was a defenseless child during a satanic ritual. Eli is androgynous, and the love between Oskar and Eli is not of a sexual nature anyway. (I mean, they are only 12.) In the beginning of the film, Eli is shown as living with a man whom is clearly not her father. In the book, Håkan was a pedophile who had met Eli shortly before the story began. The relationship worked for both of them. He got to be close to a child, and the fact that she wasn't really a child helped his conscience. She got out of killing people herself, which is an emotionally harrowing experience for her, by simply making Håkan go out and collect it for her. I have read many people's complaints about not understanding these plot elements, so... you're welcome in advance.

I thought this movie was incredible. The story was just beautifully written; it will no doubt tug at your heartstrings. Anyone who has ever felt like an outsider will root for Oskar as he finds not only a kindred spirit, but the courage within himself to stand up for himself and take control of his life. This was both of the lead actors' first film, and I hope they both have long careers to look forward to after their surprisingly genuine work in LTROI. The atmosphere of the film was very dark, but not bleak in any way. It was actually rather positive and inspirational. I would even go as far as to say this is the greatest vampire movie I have ever seen in my life. Perhaps it's because it gives some dignity back to the, uh, noble(?) vampire. Vampires are a study in morality, and it's about time they started being portrayed as such.

There is supposedly an American remake slated for 2010. I cannot imagine how badly it will be butchered, so please, for the love of Henry Rollins, see the original! The remake is being directed by Matt Reeves, whose claim to fame as of now is Cloverfield. Blech. That probably means J.J. Abrams will be producing. I do love Mr. Abrams, so while I am interested, I think I'll pass. The idea of remaking a film before it is even a year old is absolutely preposterous. Why anyone would think they could improve upon the original is beyond me. Are we Americans honestly too lazy to read subtitles? Jesus.

Grade: A+

2008-11-10T19:43:00.000-08:00

Less Than Zero (1987), Marek Kanievska

A couple of wealthy kids get into coke, heroin, and prostitution. Their apparently straight edge friend has to pull them out of it. Apparently love conquers coke addiction, but not crack/heroin? Hmm.

A very loose adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis book of the same name, although it is more a vehicle for Brat Pack-ers Andrew McCarthy, Jami Gertz, and Robert Downey Jr. than an honest attempt at a book-to-movie adaptation. You'd be hard pressed to find any evidence that Clay is bisexual and also takes part in the "festivities," or that Rip keeps preteen girls chained to his bed? But it was the first BEE book to be made into a movie, and they have gotten far better, thankfully. Tarantino has expressed his interest in a remake of Less Than Zero. I must admit, although I am morally opposed to remakes, that is one I would actually like to see.

I doubt that RDJ was ever even given a script. Kanievska was probably like, "Hey, Bob. Workin' on a new movie here. How 'bout you just let us follow you around with a camera for a few days?" His performance was a little too convincing is all I'm saying. Also, since it was long before I was into boys, perhaps someone a bit older than myself can enlighten me as to the appeal of Andrew McCarthy? Am I to believe he was a teen idol or something? He seems like the fucking king of the Brat Pack, because he is inexplicably in like 80% of the "good" Brat Pack movies. But he is just so blah, so bland. Not to mention a horrifically awful actor. He also laughs before he cries (in basically EVERY movie he is in), and it really disturbs the shit out of me.

So, to sum it up: Read the book.

Grade: C

2008-11-10T10:57:00.004-08:00

Dead Set (2008), Charlie Brooker

Dead Set is not really a "movie" per say; it was actually a 5-part miniseries aired a few weeks ago on E4, the pay cable counterpart to the UK's "alternative" TV station, Channel 4. It revolves around the "Big Brother" house, which although we have an American version of "Big Brother," it is certainly nowhere near the huge cultural phenomenon that it is in the UK. The Big Brother house is the only safe place in the world it seems, as it has been "fan proofed." I won't go into any more detail, because you need to see this for yourselves.

If you don't like fast zombies, I would suggest not watching this. The zombies are just as fast and just as strong as they were when they were alive, which I think is a fascinating concept. They get around this clear violation of zombie law by never actually referring to them as "zombies," nor do they say what caused the outbreak. So since they are technically not "zombies" (Even though they totally are, does Mr. Brooker think I'm stupid or somethin'?) they get away with it. The fast zombies make for an even more nerve-wracking program. It is much, much gorier than anything you would ever see on American television. Or even in some American zombie films, really.

There was a definite, undeniable homage to Irréversible in one episode. Other than that, it wasn't very referential or derivative, if at all, and that is quite refreshing. The look of it was very stark, everything got progressively more gray and washed out as it went along. The story was actually really good, really funny at times. I was extremely impressed. I also liked that the female characters, especially Kelly, were all very strong and resourceful. They weren't just eye candy or an "annoyance," as women are usually portrayed in zombie films. Just one more reason why I wish my TV only picked up UK stations.

Grade: A

2008-11-10T10:57:00.003-08:00

Frontière(s) (2007), Xavier Gens
Frontier(s)

Frontier(s) is one of the best horror films of last year, and you've probably never heard of it. It was taken off the schedule at last year's "8 Films to Die For" After Dark Horrorfest, due to it's NC-17 rating. The highest allowable rating for the After Dark Horrorfest is an R, which Frontier(s) apparently missed by a mile. It was released uncut in select U.S. theaters for one weekend only, then was released on DVD the following Tuesday. Now I wish I had heard of this film when it was out. I would have LOVED to see it in a theater.

Anyways, it's a French film, by a relatively young/new director, Xavier Gens. A group of five friends decide to take advantage of the riots consuming France's police force by stealing a bunch of cash. However, things go horribly awry, and they decide to split up for the moment. They are to meet up later at an undetermined location. Although being persued by police, two of the friends simply cannot go on, due to exhaustion (and copious amounts of marijuana). They stumble upon a hostel in the middle of nowhere, and decide to sleep there for the night. By the time their friends arrive to meet them, shit has indeed gotten real. They get much more than the bargained for when the family that owns the hostel turns out to be a bunch of demented, sadistic, cannibalistic Neo-Nazis, bent on creating their own Aryan race.

The lead female character is a total badass. She was a great actress, and I hope to see more of her work. That is one thing that I love about French horror films- they do not discriminate. Women are given just as strong, if not stronger, roles than their male counterparts in horror films. I wish America would follow suit. It seems as though any time they have, it comes off as more like they're compensating than being genuine. (Hostel 2, anyone?)

The overall tone and look of the film is extremely brutal. They definitely don't skimp on the blood and guts, although I'm not entirely convinced that it deserved to be slapped with an NC-17. (I'd love to chat more about my problems with the MPAA, but that's a whole 'nother entry.) I'm a big supporter of filmmakers who refuse to trim down their movie just to get an R rating. Never say die!

Grade: A

2008-11-10T10:57:00.001-08:00

Magnolia (1999), Paul Thomas Anderson

A group of seemingly unrelated people's lives intertwine over a 24 hour period, loaded with loneliness, revelations of deep family secrets, redemption, and the sense that sometimes, things just happen.

I never thought I would be able to sit through a movie that is over 3 hours long, which is why I had been to hesitant (FOR NINE YEARS) to watch this film. Now I completely regret that line of thinking. I can't believe what I have been missing. I think I watched it almost a week ago, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I have a feeling it will stick with me for a long time. It pretty much begs repeat viewing, although the length of the film sort of makes that difficult to squeeze in.

This is probably the 2nd best movie I have ever seen, with Network being the absolute best. Anderson actually screened Network for his cast, pre-production, so the influence is obvious. Every single cast member's performance is so honest, I imagine that filming was quite emotionally taxing on everyone. Even though some people might think that the sing-along part was jumping the shark, or that the raining frogs were a little too deus ex machina, but "those people" apparently did not get the point of the film. As I said, sometimes things just happen. Sometimes for a reason, but you can't put too much stock in fate. Coincidence is key in Magnolia.

Grade: A+

2008-11-05T11:00:00.001-08:00

Koroshiya 1 (2001), Takashi Miike
Ichi the Killer

One of Miike's finest movies, Ichi the Killer is seriously twisted. Twisted in the sense that there are many plot twists, and twisted in the sense that everyone is a sadist, a masochist, or sometimes both. The main character (surprisingly not named Ichi), is Kakihara. Kakihara is probably the most badass movie character of the last decade. I loved his bleach blond hair, flamboyant suits, and mouth held together by lip rings. Very 2001, sure. But a total badass nonetheless.

Kakihara is the right hand man to his yakuza boss, Anjo. When Anjo goes missing (along with 300 million yen), Kakihara goes on a mission to find him (and the money). An innocent enough looking old man feeds Kakihara one hell of a red herring when he suggests that a rival yakuza killed Anjo. Kakihara realizes that the tipster is behind everything, and the mistake costs him greatly, as you can see above. He will stop at nothing, and I mean nothing, to find the old man. Soon Kakihara and his henchmen cross paths with an awkward, sexually confused/repressed martial arts expert named Ichi. Unbeknownst to Kakihara, the old man, Jijii, has been training Ichi for a long time, through both martial arts lessons as well as memory manipulation, to dispose of Kakihara and the rest of his fellow yakuza. Ichi takes them all out one by one until only Kakihara is left. Their final showdown is not to be missed.

I love Miike, and this is an epic film, in terms of length. (It's over 2 hours long.) I have the shortest attention span in the world, and although this film is very action- and gore-packed, it took me awhile to finish it. That is to say nothing of the quality of the film, merely that I should have taken some Ritalin or something before watching it. The gore is more than sufficient, even I was completely grossed out at times. Tadanobu Asano's performance as Kakihara, the pain-addicted yakuza, was absolutely outstanding. Miike is something of an accidental genius, and I feel that his work can only get better.

Grade: A

2008-11-02T17:14:00.001-08:00

Boxing Helena (1993), Jennifer Chambers Lynch

A man recklessly obsessed with a past one night stand physically and emotionally traps her, making her absolutely dependent on him. Does she magically fall in love with the man who mutilated her? Or is she literally only the woman of his dreams? Does anyone care?

This movie is the epitome of the phrase "amateur party." Boxing Helena will live on forever in film nerd infamy for being proof that talent is not hereditary. Jennifer Lynch wrote the screenplay when she was 19, but the film wasn't made until she was 25. I don't know what happened in that six year gap, but apparently not a whole lot of revising. I think that her idea is quite interesting, but her execution was very, very poor. I think maybe 19 is just a little too young to be making this expensive of a statement about sexual politics.

I felt as though I was watching an unscrambled late night Cinemax movie the entire time. The overly decadent cinematography, sets, costumes, makeup, hair, props; the unbelievable situations; Helena's awkwardly "elegant" mannerisms; totally unrealistic dialogue... the whole movie was just one facepalm inducing moment after another. The score was terribly grating. At one point I thought there was a smoke alarm going off somewhere in our house for like, five minutes.

Why is Art Garfunkel in this? Did I really need to see Bill Paxton's ass? I sincerely hope Mr. Paxton is embarrassed of his horrendous acting in this film. If he's not, I hope he's embarrassed of his super mullet, mesh t-shirts, leather pants, and the line "I'm gonna go get laid." (But the fact that he follows it with "Hasta... whatever" is fucking awesome.) Also, Red Forman is in this. Decent cast gone to waste?

Sherilyn Fenn is maybe the only cast member whose "overacting-as-a-way-of-compensating-for-the-horrific-script" actually works in her favor. Helena is an attention whore extraordinaire. For example, at one point, she strips off her dress at a huge super classy party and goes for a dip in the fountain while everyone watches, mouths agape. She's pretty much a horrible person, using her womanly wiles to control and humiliate any man that dares cross her path. By the end of the film, she's downright castrating. (But only verbally.) Julian Sands plays every girl's worst nightmare come true. One of those pathetic, obsessive nerds who will still love you regardless of how much of an asshole you are to them, and maybe even amputate all of your limbs in retaliation.

Boxing Helena is infamous for more than just being awful. Madonna was first attached to the project, until she dropped out to do Evita. Ed Harris was interested in playing Dr. Nick Cavanaugh, but he lost interest because of production continually being stalled. Kim Basinger verbally agreed to play Helena, but demanded some serious script revision. She wanted to "make Helena less of a bitch." The producer argued that making Helena less of a bitch, and more emotionally pleasing, would be incredibly damaging to the integrity of the film. Basinger dropped out pretty quickly. In perhaps one of the most famous Hollywood lawsuits ever, the producers of Boxing Helena sued Basinger for $5M in damages, bankrupting her and making pop culture history.

Subtlety is not Ms. Lynch's strong suit. Apparently she thinks this movie is some sort of metaphor? I'm not sure she knows what that actually means. If she did, she would have ended her movie more effectively. Plus with Helena's "A woman is...." and "Do you love me as a woman or as a possession?" monologues, I'm pretty sure she spells her intentions right out for us. A bird beating its wings against the cage that traps it? Copious shots of Venus de Milo? YEAH OK WE GET IT DUDE. Relationships suck. Cool.

Despite the issues that I have with this film, I do recommend it. It's one of those so-horribly-bad-that-you-feel-like-you-HAVE-to-see-it, despite-your-better-judgement films. It's an important piece of pop culture (though now a bit dated), and it may have changed the way movie studios do business forever, as they were pretty reliant on verbal contracts until Boxing Helena. As my boyfriend says, every film has its merits. Even if it's just the ability to discuss how bad it was.

Grade: B-

2008-10-31T13:13:00.001-07:00

The Brood (1979), David Cronenberg

A shady psychologist, Dr. Hal Raglan (played by an especially creepy Oliver Reed), comes up with a new (and quite dangerous) form of therapy, which he calls "psychoplasmics"; a technique in which people's innermost feelings are manifested in a physical deformity. He works out of a very David Koresh-esque compound, called the Somafree Institute. Samantha Eggar and Art Hindle star as a married couple, Nola and Frank, having issues due to the wife's severe depression caused by childhood abuse at the hands of her mother. She goes off to Somafree in search of relief, but what she actually gets is much, much more terrifying than expected. Think Kramer vs. Kramer if a brood of little demon children were assisting Mrs. Kramer in the divorce proceedings.

This movie starts off really, really slowly. Do not get discouraged. Your patience will be rewarded in the end. The acting is actually pretty superb, which you don't often see in exploitation films. I wouldn't put it among my favorite Cronenberg films. But I think even his less than perfect films are still better than most movies out there. The man is a genius!

Grade: A-

2008-10-27T09:34:00.001-07:00

Teen Wolf Too (1987), Christopher Leitch

The widely panned sequel to the ever popular Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf Too stars Jason Bateman as Todd Howard, the cousin of Scott Howard, the original "Teen Wolf." Todd is kind of a late bloomer, in the sense that he is 18 and has not yet discovered his wolf-man powers. Although never having actually played a sport, he inexplicably recieves a sports scholarship to a local college. Turns out the athletic director from Scott's high school has gotten a new job, as the A.D. of said college. He thinks that Todd will someday hulk out and turn into a Teen Wolf himself, which is why he has chosen him to be on the school's boxing team. Other than that, the plot is nearly identical to the first Teen Wolf, so I trust you have all seen it, and can figure it out from there.

I unapologetically love this movie. I'm sorry, but I almost like it more than the first Teen Wolf. No, I am not kidding. Maybe it's just because I love Jason Bateman so much. But honestly, I believe this movie contains one of the greatest moments in cinematic history: Teen Wolf #2 at a party, singing "Do You Love Me?" (and I'm pretty certain it really is Jason Bateman singing) with choreographed background dancers. I plan on making a video mixtape someday, and I'm pretty sure it will just be this movie, with some other stuff spliced in during the boring parts (which are few and far between, and mostly have to do with him trying to get with a hot nerdy chick and/or studying). That is how awesome this movie is. They are selling both the Teen Wolf movies on one disc at Target right now for $4.75. I implore you to go purchase it. You will not be sorry.

Grade: A

2008-10-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

The Brothers Solomon (2008), Bob Odenkirk/ Baby Mama (2008), Michael McCullers

I decided to review these movies together, because they came out relatively around the same time, and their plots are quite reminiscent of each other. I think it's funny that Amy Poehler, star of Baby Mama, and Will Arnett, star of The Brothers Solomon are married, and were probably both working on these movies at the same time. Movies that are so similar. And both so bad.

Here goes: People need to have babies. Said people cannot have said babies themselves, so they seek out alternative options. They go through wacky situations only to find that surrogacy is their best option. They find surrogate. Surrogate is totally wacky and unpredictable!! They come to love surrogate. Something goes wrong with surrogate. Surrogate runs away. Surrogate must be found, as they are harboring a very expensive child. Surrogate is found, everyone finds out that you don't necessarily have to be related to be family. Now for cute baby time. The end!

If you think about it statistically, the vast majority of things that Bob Odenkirk, Will Arnett, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler are involved in are amazingly hilarious. So it would make sense that their films would be amazingly hilarious too, right? Yeah, not so much, apparently. I think Bob Odenkirk maybe needs to think about not doing movies anymore. And for the love of Rollins, do not let Will Forte write anything ever again in his life. He is a supremely unfunny person. And I cannot begin to express my level of disappointment in Fey and Poehler for taking part in something so... generic. They were both great, I just think maybe they needed money real bad or something.

Anyways, in conclusion, I guess what I am trying to say is that I would not recommend either one of these movies. That is not to say that they are bad movies. Just very average. I'm sure some of you will/do enjoy them, perhaps because your expectations were not as high as mine.

Grade: The Brothers Solomon: C-, Baby Mama: C+

2008-10-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-22 (2005-2007), R. Kelly

I had pretty much forgotten that Trapped in the Closet even existed, until I found out that my roommate had a copy. We watched 1-12 and YouTubed the rest. I confess, in a 12 hour span, we watched the DVD twice, then once with commentary. If you haven't seen it with the commentary, I highly suggest that you do. It's really awkward. In lieu of a commentary track, it's just Kells in a huge leather chair, "watching" the movie. His seating position changes several times throughout the commentary, which is really confusing. He takes this commentary very seriously. He genuinely believes he is giving the viewer the inside scoop by pointing out the obvious. He also really thinks that events like the ones portrayed in the movie happen in real life. I'm pretty sure even the camera guy was laughing at that point.

So where do I begin? I'm not really sure how to describe the plot of this "Hip-Hopera," but here goes: take every negative stereotype of African-American people, every negative stereotype of white people, add those to a cast of characters that can't seem to stay faithful to each other, plus a whole lot of disregard for proper grammar and the concept of rhyming, and you just about have it. R. Kelly has managed to create the most self-indulgent, out of touch movie/music video I have ever seen. R. Kelly is the director, writer, and lead actor of this film (I am reminded a bit of Ed Wood and Vincent Gallo), so his licentious depiction of himself is all the more humorous. It seems as though everyone but him is in on the joke, which kind of makes me feel bad for him. That is, until he proves himself to be terribly sexist, racist, and homophobic. He also has a really weird hatred toward persons of restricted growth.

I have many questions and points to bring up, so bear with me here. First off, I'm curious as to why Kells is constantly just waiting to jump on any opportunity to wave around his beloved Beretta? I refuse to believe that anyone who is not a serial killer is so prone to shooting anyone, anywhere, anytime. And don't even get me started on Twon. That character is just embarrassing; the epitome of a negative stereotype. R. refers to Twon as a "hot head." I'd say it's just one more example of how far removed Kells is from societal norms.

I also refuse to believe that in a city the size of Chicago, these random people would just happen to all be sleeping with each others' partners. I was unaware that sleeping with a random person in your own house is a much, much lesser offense than boning a rando in their own home. Also, why was Kelly's wife so eager to help the wife of the policeman she'd been sleeping with for quite some time? Why does Kelly try to make himself look like a total badass in the final chapters by suggesting that he slept with the woman in the beginning on purpose, for money? Why would she pay for her husband to walk in on that? I mean, she seemed really happy with him, and she nearly threw down with his boyfriend in order to save their marriage. It doesn't go with the slightly logical (yet still very improbable) set of events that has been established already, and totally confuses even the most impassioned viewer.

I didn't know that being a gay church official was "shocking," especially in this day and age. (Mr. Kelly made it a point in the commentary to draw attention to the fact that he gave a gay character a "higher" voice in comparison to other male characters.) I like that the pastor was just gay for a hot minute, then went back to his wife. But the poor deacon, all he gets is HIV? Hmm. But... if you are a lesbian, it's totally cool. Because R. Kelly makes it a point to let the viewer know that "you're lucky [he's] into that shit." Just not gay guys. Because that would be gay, I guess.

I love that Kells is so concerned with being the main attraction in the film that instead of letting the other characters play out the midget thing for themselves, he feels it necessary to "pause the tape" and reveal the "so damn twisted" cliffhanger. He has never done this before in the narrative, so it just doesn't fit. I mean at this point, he might as well just roll up a $2o and snort the fucking scenery.

I find it interesting that he did everything he possibly could to make the character of "Big Man" by far the most lowly and disgusting character in the whole story. The first time we meet him, his mouth is smeared with cherry pie crumbs, he shits himself, faints, uses an inhaler, admits to being a male stripper, and is openly laughed at when he claims to be "blessed" in the crotchal region. And to top it all off? He knocks up another man's wife.

I suspect that previous to making the commentary track, someone informed him that the word "midget" is offensive and no longer socially acceptable, so he switched to saying "little person." But "little person" just doesn't rhyme with "Bridget," now does it? Not that the man who somehow rhymed the words "spatula" and "nuts" has much concern for that. Why didn't someone ever tell him that people don't generally verbally and physically abuse their wives in front of people? "No, stay here. I want you to watch this." WTF?!?!?

As for Bridget, does R. Kelly think that every white woman is a hugely overweight housewife, in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant with a heavy southern accent? I mean wow, just... wow. The only other white people in the whole movie are (of course) asshole policemen and a big fat Italian mafioso guy eating the largest plate of pasta I have ever seen. The fun never stops!

The only thing I can take from this is that R. Kelly has no contact with the outside world. He must live in some sort of bubble or something, and the only things he knows of the outside come from watching shit like Scarface and daytime soap operas. I just can't think of any other reason why this guy is so clueless? I mean, *SPOILER ALERT* EVERYONE (APPARENTLY) GETS THE HIV AT THE END OF CHAPTER 22! */SPOILER* Lol wut? Is he making some sort of long-winded after-school special? Is this his idea of social commentary? Deep breaths, everyone.

While I have so many issues with Trapped in the Closet, its B-movie quality sets/acting/writing/direction and hilariously super serious, non-ironic tone has sucked me in. I can't wait for the next 22 chapters! This is one of the most unique things to come out of popular music in a long time. A cultural phenomenon, even. I know he's been tied up in court this year, and is obviously batshit crazy, but how long you gonna keep us waiting dude?

Grade: A+

2008-10-24T16:57:00.001-07:00

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986), John McNaughton

Henry fits the generic description of a serial killer: male, drifter, bad childhood, around 30 years old, chooses victims at random. His roommate (and fellow loser) Otis was never really a killer; that is, until Henry showed him the ropes. They become partners in crime, and each act of buddy violence is more senseless than the last. Otis invites his younger sister Becky to live with them for awhile. An unlikely attraction between she and Henry develops, creating a rivalry between Henry and Otis. The tension builds to a simultaneously shocking yet not unexpected ending.

A film that actually benefits from its low budget, Henry is rated NC-17. Not for excessive nudity, or excessive gore, because neither of those would be true, but for the sheer terror this movie invokes with its sympathetic portrayal of a serial killer and his idiotic but sadistic friend. It is incredibly unsettling, but I don't think the NC-17 rating was deserved, even at the time. This was Michael Rooker's film debut, and I really don't think he could have asked for a better showcase for his talent. He's had a really impressive run playing creepy bad guys. Tom Towles' performance is also of note. I think he too has Henry to thank for his extensive career in horror films.

I salute you, John McNaughton. Thank you for making one of the greatest horror films of all time, for almost nothing. You are proof that it can be done.

Grade: A+

2008-10-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Strangers (2008), Bryan Bertino

A young couple, staying in a rural vacation house, are interrupted in the heat of the moment by a creepy girl asking for someone who isn't there. As the night wears on, strange noises and missing objects give way to a full-on home invasion.

Initially, I thought that this was a remake of the 2006 French film, Ils. The two movies have extremely similar plots. After doing some research, I found that The Strangers was actually written two years before Ils was even made. This little tidbit is interesting (to me at least), because I constantly find myself saying that American horror of the past decade is complete shit, and French horror is where it's at. So now I have hope again, because I really liked this movie.

Unlike most recent American horror films, The Strangers relies more on building suspense and tension than merely giving you "torture porn." It goes for jumps and screams instead of groans and threats of vomiting. I sincerely hope this film will inspire more American horror directors to knock it off with the Saws and the Hostels and the shitty remakes. I love gore as much as the next guy, but it's becoming trite and ineffective in the hands of American directors.

On the other hand, there are a lot of cliches in the film. But that is one of the reasons why I liked it- I looked at it as kind of a throwback to horror films of the 70s. I know I can often be elitist when it comes to horror films, and I know it's totally out of character for me to have liked this, but I did. I suggest you see it for yourself and tell me what you think. Bonus for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia fans: You miiiiiight wanna check the cast list. Just sayin'.

Grade: B

2008-10-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

C'est arrivé près de chez vous (1992), Rémy Belvaux
Man Bites Dog: It Happened in Your Neighborhood

Man Bites Dog continually appears on movie reviewers' most disturbing movie lists, and for good reason. We follow a (faux) documentary film crew as they gather footage on Ben, a charming serial killer who proves to be quite the Renaissance man. While he is sexist, racist, possibly homophobic, and an all-around asshole, he is also very knowledgeable about art, music, film, poetry, architecture... and various ways of killing and disposing of corpses.

It is not explained how the film crew stumbles upon Ben, or who the intended audience of this "documentary" is, but we follow the crew from Day 1. To amend my previous statement that Ben is a "serial killer," I'd like to add that he very rarely ever kills innocent people, it is almost always for money. I'm not really sure what you would call that. He seems very intelligent and well-read, one would think that Ben could get a "real job" with no problem, but he really seems to enjoy his chosen profession.

The crew quickly goes from being horrified of his capabilities to becoming more and more involved with his 'job'. At first it is mostly just disposing of bodies, but one fateful night when a crew member dares Ben to spend an evening in the suburbs, they end up participating in the suffocation of a young boy. Next thing you know, they are gang raping a woman and sleeping next to her innards after one too many Dead Baby Boys. (Sounds pretty good actually, a gin and tonic with an olive tied to a sugar cube dropped inside- hence the name "Dead Baby Boy." When the cube melts and floats to the top, you eat the olive. Yum!)

Things really start to go awry when the quarry into which they have thrown all the bodies dries up. In addition to that mess, it becomes pretty clear in the beginning of the film that someone other than the film crew has been following Ben's exploits. The movie grinds to a shocking and terrifying halt, as everything comes together.

I should probably mention that this is a black comedy. The juxtaposition of humor and violence makes you wonder if you should really be laughing. If you're laughing, you get it. If you're not, then you should probably stick to Sex and the City or whatever you were watching before. Filmed in black and white, with then unknowns acting as both cast and crew, I was reminded a bit of The Blair Witch Project, particularly at the end. It just seems so horrifyingly real. I wouldn't be surprised if, much like Blair Witch, some people believed that the movie was actual documentary footage when this was released.

Grade: A+

2008-10-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

4 luni, 3 saptamâni si 2 zile (2007), Cristian Mungiu

4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days

Set in communist Romania in the late 80's, 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days is the story of two young college students, Gabita and Otilia, on a mission to obtain an abortion for Gabita. The problem is, abortion was illegal at that time, and the only way to get one was from a shady "doctor" in a shady hotel room. The illegality of the abortion also depends on how far along the pregnancy is. The title of the movie should tell you that this particular abortion is pretty fucking illegal, not to mention risky for Gabita. You would think that Gabita is the main character in the film, but Mungiu throws the viewer for a loop by making Otilia the protagonist. I seriously don't think anyone I know has a friend that is as loyal as Otilia. She really, really goes to the outer limits to help Gabita, who is nothing but a stupid, selfish girl. Otilia only gets a short "Thanks." in return for allowing herself to be sexually violated, ruining her relationship with her boyfriend, and breaking more than a few major laws... IN COMMUNIST ROMANIA.

"4,3,2" is very spare, and sparse. The colors are all a bit faded and gray. Everything seems oppressive, bleak, and hopeless. The characters wear plain clothes, no makeup. All we see is their performance, which only adds to the shocking realism. We are not given any information from before or after the events in the movie, the viewer is literally just thrown into 18 hours in the lives of these two girls and left to fend for themselves. Nearly every conversation in the film is tense and unsettling, but the questions we are left with after watching this film are more unsettling still. The most disturbing one being, what if Roe v. Wade were overturned? Back alley abortions, coat hangers, shady "doctors"... it could and would happen again. It's absolutely terrifying. In closing, you know how I know I've seen a really great movie? When it is 4 days later, and I still think I have never had as much contempt for a semi-fictional character than I have for Gabita.

Grade: A

2008-10-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma (1975), Pier Paolo Pasolini
Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom

Easily one of the most infamously offensive movies of all time, Salo takes place during WWII, when Italy was under Nazi control. Four Italian officials round up the most attractive 15-17 year olds in town, then choose from them the 16 children who will accompany them to their castle for 120 days of complete and utter debauchery. The story is told in a Dante's Inferno structure, divided into four parts:

"Antechamber of Hell"- The kids are rounded up and given the 'rules'.
"Circle of Obsessions"- Three dirty old prostitutes tell their most lascivious stories to get the officials riled up and kick the debasement into high gear.
"Circle of Shit"- Must I really explain this part? A lot of people eat a lot of dookie. There, I said it.
"Circle of Blood"- Rule breakers, which actually ends up being every single one of the kids, are punished in cruel and unusual ways. (By far the most disgusting part, I nearly lost it.)

I had the good fortune of obtaining the recent Criterion Collection release, but Salo was also released by Criterion once before, in 1998. It was quickly pulled from the shelves due to copyright issues. This lead to its status as possibly the most valuable DVD of all time, as some original copies were selling for upwards of $600. Why are people so desperate to watch this movie? Its cult status is mainly due to its completely nihilistic depictions of absolute power corrupting absolutely, giving way to the outer limits of a few sick bastards' minds. Nearly every scene in the film is abhorrent, even I with the iron stomach was sickened by the rampant pedophilia, coprophagia, and countless other paraphilias shown in the film.

Quite possibly the ultimate depiction of fascism, Salo is an ugly, disgusting piece of film. It is also arguably one of the most important films of all time. On one hand, how could this film possibly have been made? Who would participate in such a thing? But on the other hand, what if it was never made? What if we as viewers were never challenged with reality, only seeing the trite, rehashed bullshit fiction mainstream filmmakers have to offer? Rumors of a conspiracy leading to Pasolini's assassination because of Salo have circulated for decades. It's an unfortunate testament to just how powerful the medium of film can be.

2008-10-16T18:44:00.001-07:00

Quella villa accanto al cimitero (1981), Lucio Fulci
House By the Cemetery

A family moves into a creepy house in Boston. Calling it creepy is not unwarranted, as there is a tomb located in the basement of the house. The tomb belongs to a Dr. Freudstein, the home's former resident and current creepazoid. The house comes with all the trappings you would find in any haunted house- creeky floors, creepy exterior, doors that inexplicably open or close, flesh eating bats- I think you get the picture.

Despite the "killer" opening, the plot moves along at a very tedious pace. The last 20 minutes or so are really good and quite intense, I will admit. The gore in this film is definitely excessive (in a good way), a fine example of what can come from Fulci's warped mind. The main problem is that the film asks SO MANY questions, and only answers one. It gives it the feeling of being unfinished/incomplete. The child's dubbed voice was so grating, it distracted from the movie. (A slap on the wrist to you, anonymous annoying voice person.) Actually, the whole family was pretty annoying. The end truly does justify the means in this film though, I definitely don't want to discourage anyone from seeing this. Just don't let this be your first Fulci film.

Grade: B-

2008-10-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

Ôdishon (1999), Takashi Miike
Audition

A lonely middle-aged widower decides, after some encouragement from his son, that's it's time for him to remarry. The only problem is that his late wife was pretty amazing, so he's going to have a hard time replacing her. He wants to be able to put prospective women through some sort of test/observation so he can make sure he chooses the right one. He has a friend that just happens to be a film director. They devise a plan to create a fake movie, and thus, a fake audition. He receives pictures and resumes for each of the prospects ahead of time, and one in particular catches his eye. It ends up that she is actually the only "normal" candidate. They embark on a totally cutesy relationship, at least until he comes clean and tells her the truth about the audition. What happens next is a disturbing series of events I wouldn't dare reveal.

The majority of this film is reminiscent of a cheesy American romantic comedy. My personal opinion is that Miike is heavily influenced by American cinema in a lot of his work, and it definitely showed in Audition. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, if Meg Ryan *** Tom Hanks' **** off at the end. [Edited to add to the suspense.] There are also most definitely some Lynchian elements throughout. I was absolutely terrified by the finale, Eihi Shiina was the perfect psycho. Can't wait to see her in Tokyo Gore Police! This is one of the best, if not the best, horror movie of the past 10 years. I give it two stumps up.

Grade: A+

2008-10-16T09:15:00.001-07:00

Bad Ronald (1974), Buzz Kulik

Ronald isn't really all that bad. He never killed anybody. Not on purpose, at least. And didn't they kinda have it coming to them anyway? When nerdy, so-awkward-it-hurts Ronald accidentally kills a young girl, he decides to bury her instead of telling the police. He runs home to tell his mother who decides that the best plan of attack is to build him a secret room within the walls of the house, where no one will ever find him. When things "cool down" after a few months, maybe he can come out. Ronald's mother didn't count on dying during a routine gall bladder removal, and of course no one knows where the heck Ronald is, so he is clueless too.

One day, a real estate agent and a family interested in the house (but curious as to why there is only one bathroom) take a tour of the house. The agent casually mentions that the previous owner died recently. Of course, Ronald overhears this tidbit. What's he going to do now? A new family is moving in, and he is stuck in his secret room. Being isolated has forced Ronald to develop his own fantasy world (Atranta) in which he is a prince, and the youngest daughter in the house is his imaginary princess. Ronald starts to get brave, peeping at the family through one of many peep holes he has created, stealing food from their refrigerator, even attempting to read the oldest sister's diary. One day, Ronald snaps. He sneaks out of his room when everyone has left the house but his potential princess. I wouldn't dare ruin the rest for you guys.

I really think I was born in the wrong generation. I would have loved it if ABC still had movies of the week like this. This was so fucking creepy, on so many levels. I am terrified of home invasion films, and this goes even beyond that. How do I know there isn't some creep living in the walls of my house, watching as I type this right now?!?! The end of the movie was fantastic! I was so nervous to see what that little creepo would do next. I can hardly believe this was made for TV!

Grade: A

2008-10-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

The Day of the Dolphin (1973), Mike Nichol

Of course, the reason that most people know of this movie these days is thanks to Stephen Colbert's mention of it during a "Threat Down" segment last year. It's about a marine biologist (played by George C. Scott) that raises a dolphin from birth in captivity. The dolphin begins to grow an attachment to its owner, even learning to speak simple, broken phrases in English (in a very adorable Elmo-esque voice). To keep the sea-pup company, the biologist decides to get him a girlfriend, and cuteness ensues. An evil corporation takes notice of the wonder dolphin, and a conspiracy forms to steal the dolphins and use them to kill the president. The acting, direction, and super cute dolphins save this from being unwatchable. I almost died everytime Alpha said "Fa Love Pa! Fa Love Ma!" OH MY GODDDD SO CUTE. Anyways, I would recommend this to dolphin lovers and fans of 70s ecosploitation films. Try not to get teary at the end.

Grade: B

2008-10-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Katakuri-ke no kôfuku (2001), Takeshi Miike
Happiness of the Katakuris

The Katakuri family opens up their new bed and breakfast in a secluded wooded/mountain area of Japan. Everyone seems fairly happy, and they figure at least they are all together. They finally receive their first guest one rainy night, a mysterious man with CGI snot running out of his nose. When the guest doesn't come down for breakfast in the morning, the family gets worried. When they discover the guest has killed himself- with his room key that he has turned into a shiv, no less- they decide that they must bury the body or their business will be buried. Their next guests arrive soon after- a sumo wrestler and his tiny, clearly not of age 'girlfriend.' A pattern begins to form, as the family fears the authorities may be onto them. Oh, and did I mention this is a musical? And has lots of claymation? Cheesy CGI? Zombies?

I would go as far as to say this genre-bending film, from the genius that is Takeshi Miike, is worth buying. Unfortunately, it is out of print for the moment. Luckily, I have a copy. [insert smug expression here] For anyone that doesn't, you'll be happy to know it's being re-released next month! Just in time for Christmas!!!

This is one of the best things I've ever seen. It was touching, sometimes gross, always funny, and pretty much just everything you could ever want in a movie. There is even a karaoke jam that is not to be missed. The musical numbers are hysterical, and it features the greatest dancing zombies since Thriller! The editing is crazy awesome, each scene fluidly transitions into the next like a dream. I don't say this about movies very often, but Happiness of the Katakuris is FUCKING EPIC. I implore you to watch this movie as soon as you can. Your life will be so much better after doing so, just trust me.

Grade: A++

2008-10-14T17:50:00.003-07:00

Ms. 45 (1981), Abel Ferrara

Thana, a beautiful and mild-mannered young lady, is brutally raped twice in one day. But not even just twice in one day- twice in about 20 minutes by two different men (the first, a cameo from director Ferrara). Although the first one gets away, she kills her second attacker with an iron, chops him up and slowly disposes of the body. The situation is complicated by the fact that she is mute, and doesn't seem to have any friends or confidants. I would assume this is by choice, as the people that she does know seem to just patronize her. Probably amazed at the ease with which she was able to kill that man, she snaps and prowls the streets for any man who creeps on her. All things considered, she quickly begins to go insane, hunting and shooting down any man that crosses her path.

I love female revenge movies, and this is probably the best one I have ever seen. The film is very dark and gritty, infused with NYC life and locations- an excellent example of Ferrara's style. Zoe Lund's acting was incredible. She made the transition from nerdy seamstress to batshit insane serial killer without uttering even one word. (Well, okay, she did whisper one word.) The ending of the film was perfect, I felt as though there was a lot of symbolism in that last scene. I don't want to give it away, we can discuss in private if you'd like.

As for comparisons, a few films come to mind: mostly Madame O, but also Polanski's Repulsion, Vibenus' Thriller, and Scorsese's Taxi Driver. I think Taxi Driver is probably Ferrara's inspiration for a lot of his work. I remember watching The Driller Killer and being reminded many times of Travis Bickle. There is one scene in Ms. 45 where I was just waiting for her to say, "You talkin' to me?"

This movie is fantastic, but in order to get an uncut version you would have to track down a VHS copy, or download a VHS rip. I am curious as to why Synapse hasn't hopped on this yet?

Grade: A+

2008-10-14T17:50:00.001-07:00

Basket Case (1982), Frank Henenlotter

Duane Bradley walks the streets of NYC, nervously clutching a wicker basket. What could possibly be in there? Clothes? Easter eggs? His former conjoined twin? If you guessed the latter, your cookie is in the mail. Duane and his hideously deformed brother, Belial, are pissed. They never wanted to be separated! So now they are on a mission to stalk and kill the three doctors responsible for the illegal, and very unsanitary, surgery. When Duane meets a beautiful receptionist, Belial becomes so enraged, he literally sees red. Who will win this battle of the Bradleys? It's hard to say, considering there is a Basket Case 2 and 3!

First things first- is everyone in this movie wearing a wig? They decided that rather than pay for a hair and makeup person, they would just slap a wig and some mauve lipstick on everyone (including maybe Kevin Van Hentenryck)???? I found it very distracting at times. I'm not gonna lie, I honestly do find Belial to be disturbing. There is something about his face and the awful noises he makes that make me just cringe. I know it's a cheap lump of silly putty, but it genuinely creeps me out! This movie is perfect for anyone who likes cheaply made, horribly acted films from the 80s. And if you like this, I would definitely suggest getting ahold of 2 and 3. Make a night of it!

Grade: A

2008-10-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Stay Tuned (1992), Peter Hyams

The devil has decided to upgrade. The most evil and irresistible invention of them all- television + free satellite TV(!!) is now his manner of collecting wayward souls. He just knows that humans cannot resist the temptation of the big ugly dish. Roy Knable is the couch potato to end all couch potatoes. He only leaves the TV to go to work, and pretty much ignores his wife and kids. Life gets a bit complicated when Roy and his wife, Helen, get sucked into the dish one day! Now it's up to the kids to save them. That is, if they can find the right channel.

Oh how I miss the old days of cable. I remember my dad and uncle both having those big ugly dishes in their backyards, which ironically enough is how I was able to see Stay Tuned! This movie is seriously awesome. It's one of those quintessential comedies from my childhood- funny for kids, but even funnier for parents, something that will be remembered fondly and enjoyed even into adulthood. The parodies of television shows were pretty awesome, and Jeffery Jones plays the most perfect evil right hand man Lucifer could ever ask for.

Grade: A+

2008-10-11T16:45:00.000-07:00

Lo Squartatore di New York (1982), Lucio Fulci
The New York Ripper

A maniac is on the loose in New York City, killing young, beautiful women- by gutting them! The police have few clues to go on, other than the general profile of your average serial killer and the fact that the killer speaks in a tone reminiscent of a duck. When one of the victims escapes, it gives the police their best lead yet. There are enough plot twists and red herrings to keep any giallo fan occupied, and enough gore and utter brutality to satisfy fans of 80s slashers.

Over the years, The New York Ripper has been accused of being one of the most misogynistic films of all time. But I am having a hard time trying to figure out if it's misogyny or nihilism? I found everyone in the movie detestable, save for Faye, the one who got away- the real hero of the story.

Grade: A+

2008-10-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

The Heart of the World (2000), Guy Maddin

Although it is only 6 minutes long, The Heart of the World manages to fit in love triangle AND post-apocalyptic themes. Maddin somehow finds a way to perfectly recreate the look and feel of a silent film from the late 20s/early 30s. It was very exciting, the acting and the music were very fast paced. I was just in awe of how impeccably this short paid homage to that period in film. If you like Metropolis, and you can get ahold of this, I highly recommend it!

Grade: A

2008-10-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Vampyres (1974), José Ramón Larraz

^That is a gaping wound in a man's arm. Just saying.

Two voluptuous ladies are shot to death during a girl-on-girl tryst. Inexplicably, they return as "vampyres." Or was that actually the end of the story? It's hard to say. Anyways, they live in a gigantic mansion and stalk nearby roads, posing as hitchhikers. Why, you ask? To pick up stupid, ugly men so they can drink their blood! Duh, silly!

One day the top in the relationship, Fran, stumbles upon a particularly horrendous victim. It doesn't matter what Fran does, the asshole just keeps coming around. Every night she gets him drunk, and every night he wakes up feeling like he got hit by a train, with a large slash on his forearm. He actually does go for help at one point, but just goes right back for more. What a stupid dumb-dumb this guy is. I really can't stress it enough. Also, he would probably be really pissed if he knew that while he was passed out at night, there were hot chicks banging right next to him in bed! Man, this guy really sucks and is by far the most annoying part of the movie. I just can't say it enough. The girls go about their daily business of finding idiot men to feast on, and the dude just sits there in Fran's bed while they do it. Get a job!

I should mention that the butch from Prey was in this! She and her husband apparently thought that right outside of a creepy castle would be a rad place to camp. After seeing some heinous gore, she begins to suspect that whomever is inhabiting this house is up to something odd. She nosily stalks the outside of the house, hoping for clues. I think she might be a fucking idiot as well. Perhaps all the people that go in and never come out might be a clue? Sayin'. Anyways, the vamps are sick of her and her meddling husband, and they dispose of them as well. And that's really about it.

I guess it was an okay movie, but sorry guys, lesbians do not make up for a shitty story. Although, this was definitely more watchable than Daughters of Darkness. I don't think I'm goth enough for this genre, so I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Grade: B-

2008-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008), Peter Sollett

Nick is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, Tris. He's one of those. Low self-esteem therefore hopefully in love with someone who treated him like crap for 6 months. He is an otherwise really cool dude. He is the only non-gay in a queercore band, tentatively named "The Jerk Offs," (although I thought "Fistful of Assholes" was a way cooler name.) He makes the best mix CDs in the whole world. And he is a super mega ultra cute and awkward.

Norah is supposed to be that cool "girl next door" or "totally platonic friend" that likes awesome stuff, is funny, smart, hot- once you get to know her, and constantly overlooked because dudes are too busy drooling over her mega-babe-but-really-vapid friends. One of those friends (frienemies?) just happens to be Tris. OH SNAP GURL! (Disclaimer: To be honest, I just don't really like Kat Dennings. I think she's annoying, although she wasn't so bad in this movie. But she did get to kiss Michael Cera a lot, and for that, I will never be able to like her, due to extreme jealousy.)

Anyhow, not knowing that Nick is Tris' ex, she asks him to be her boyfriend for 5 minutes. This leads to a fun filled night of fighting, making up, awkward run-ins with exes, talking about nerd stuff, and searching for a super secret after hours performance by their favorite band, "Where's Fluffy?" Betcha can't guess the ending!!!!

I like cheesy movies. This does not exclude cheesy teen movies. I like the High School Musical movies too. Whatever. I think this movie will develop an obsessive following of 15 year old girls, much like Juno, or really anything starring the love of my life. Anyways, this movie was just okay. I have seen worse. The infinite gum gag got old really quickly. Michael Cera playing an awkward teen is starting to get old. There was a pretty great cameo from Andy Samberg, which I am going to be nice and not ruin. Some of the music discussions were so far off base and clueless, it made me LOL. I recognized a lot of the places shown/talked about, so that was cool. But when they kept saying "Brooklyn Pool," I kept thinking they were talking about McCarren Pool. They weren't. :(

Best Line: "If anyone is gonna get raped in that van, it will be a guy."

Grade: B

PS: This post is dedicated to my mom. To prove that I actually do watch movies that were made after 1989, not featuring gore of any sort.

2008-10-10T11:29:00.001-07:00

Prey (1978), Norman J. Warren

An alien lands on Earth. Not just any alien, but an alien hungry for human flesh. He happens upon an isolated lesbian couple living on some sort of farm(?) in a remote area of the English countryside. The butch of the couple, Jo, is extremely domineering, and it is hinted at that she will stop at nothing to get rid of anyone who attempts to come between her and her femme partner, Jessica. It's made abundantly clear that Jo is quite obsessive, and their isolation is by her choosing. It's also made obvious that Jessica is just not that into Jo, but she is young and naive, and probably a bit easily lead. She yearns to get out into the world and see what it has to offer. So of course, when this random "attractive" dude comes along, it's going to be a problem.

Alien man starts killing and eating all the livestock. Jo, apparently a dumbass, blames it on a fox. They go on a quest to kill said fox, to no avail. While Jo and Jessica are in the house sulking, alien man hunts down the fox and brings it back to the house. Inexplicably, the girls decide this is a great opportunity for a major rager! Since alien man doesn't have any party clothes, they decide to dress him up in women's clothing, which apparently then makes him irresistable to Jo. Or maybe it was the bubbly? A game of hide and seek is suggested. What Jessica doesn't know is that Jo plans on stabbing alien guy with a large knife. Well, she doesn't. Even though I wish she did.

Anyways, the next day alien guy almost drowns in this really disgusting looking lake. It looks like raw sewage. He did not take swimming at man-eating alien college I guess. This is shot in slow motion. It was probably the coolest part of the whole movie, even though it looks like they are swimming in diarrhea. Jessica decides that if they get naked, it might make him feel better! So they do, and alien guy gets a little too riled up. And by that, I mean he Hulks out, turns into a man wearing a cat nose prosthetic, and bites out her esophagus. JO. IS. PISSED. She tries to avenge her girlfriend's death (but like I said, she is kind of a dumbass), and gets eaten in the process. Good! No more incessant whining! Oh, and just so you really don't have to watch the movie, it is alluded to that alien dude eats some children next.

For only being 78 minutes long, this movie really dragged on. They wrote most of the movie while it was being filmed, and it shows. I thought the way in which the relationship between the women was shown was leaning toward homophobic. Maybe I am looking into things too much, but it was a turn-off for me.

Grade: C

2008-10-10T10:30:00.001-07:00

Delirio caldo (1972), Renato Polselli
Delirium

A serial killer is on the loose, killing a massive amount of women in a variety of cleverly disgusting ways. A criminal psychologist works closely with the police to help track down the murderer, but eventually becomes the prime suspect.

The DVD I was given had two cuts of the film- the longer, much more cohesive "International" version, and the butchered and radically different American version. I must note that I only bothered to watch the International version, after doing some reading which suggested that this was the more worthwhile cut. So my advice would be to forget the American version ever existed.

This movie was twisted. I mean, literally. There were so many plot twists and red herrings that I began to question my initial guesses as to who the killer (or killers?) might be, even though the answer is made abundantly clear within the first 5 minutes or so. Though not very gory, it didn't need to be. The story itself was entertaining enough to keep me interested throughout the whole movie. It was very sexual, which is to be expected when dealing with a serial killer film. The relationships between the wife, the doctor, the cousin, and the maid were probably the most interesting part for me.

Grade: A-

P.S. I think the opening scenes may have inspired Tarantino for the bar scene in Death Proof? Tell me what you think!

2008-10-10T07:14:00.001-07:00

Les lèvres rouges (1971), Harry Kümel
Daughters of Darkness

A couple goes to a remote hotel in Belgium to spend their honeymoon. Soon after their arrival two bizarre women, Countess Elisabet Bathory and her 'secretary,' Ilona, show up. As they are the only four patrons of the hotel, it is inevitable that their paths will cross. A string of murders occurs, and it seems as though the Countess and her special friend are to blame. Everything gets a bit fishy from there- no pun intended, really.

This film was recommended to me by one of my great friends. One of his favorite things in life are 1970's lesbian vampire movies. He even plans to get a Daughters of Darkness-inspired tattoo. I have to be honest though, I was very bored by this movie. It's somewhere between art house and grindhouse, I think it can't decide which. For a lesbian vampire movie, the lesbian elements were very, very tame compared to most films of that genre. You don't even technically see any two women kiss, so if you are looking for something graphic, this is not for you. The relationship between the Countess and her long-suffering lover is actually kind of sad.

However, some of the straight sex shown between the married couple is quite disturbing. There is something a little off about Stefan. He is VERY sadistic, possibly even abusive. Also, he has a rather strange aversion to calling his mother to tell her the news of his marriage. When we are finally shown his "mother," it's not actually a woman at all, but a very effeminate, flamboyant man. Possibly his lover? They may share a relationship much like that of the Countess and Ilona. I didn't quite get that part.

The Countess and Ilona work on separating the couple so that they can get rid of Stefan and convince Valerie to join their ranks. This works, however, Stefan ends up accidentally killing Ilona in the process. Once that happens, it's pretty much a done deal. Valerie joins the Countess in her quest for the blood of virgins to maintain eternal health and youthful appearance.

If you really like foreign films that are more arty than they're worth, I say go for it. Otherwise, skip it. This movie is pretty overrated. I just didn't think that the story, or the acting was all that good. (Ok, I take back the acting thing. The woman who played the Countess seemed as though she was born to play that part.) There are too many plotholes and too many unanswered questions. Perhaps my expectations were simply too high. If you are still interested, even after reading this review, then maybe you should check it out.

Grade: C-

2008-10-08T18:46:00.000-07:00

My Own Private Idaho (1991), Gus Van Sant

This is the story of two young hustlers and best friends, Mike and Scott (played by River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves [of all people]) living in Portland, Oregon. They seem ambitionless, just selling themselves for cash to get by on. However, this is not entirely the case. Mike's life goes by like a dream, due mostly to his extreme case of narcolepsy. He always dreams about the same things; his long lost mother, and his home state of Idaho. It's his goal to reunite himself with his mother. This thought and his relationship with Scott are the only things that keep him going. Scott is a whole 'nother story. He comes from a very wealthy and privileged family. He is living this way by choice until his 20th birthday, when he is to inherit a portion of his father's fortune. He wants to show his family that he can become a changed man and hopefully rise to their long held expectations of him.

The week before Scott inherits his fortune, he and Mike embark on a journey of epic proportions. They go out in search of Mike's mother. They search in Idaho, where Mike's brother Richard still lives. They stay with him and as the night wears on, we discover something pretty shattering: Richard is not only Mike's brother, he's his dad as well. Their mother was very mentally ill, which lead to the boys being separated from her at a young age. This illness probably lives on a bit in both of them. They visit Mike's mother's last known place of employment, where they are told she moved to Italy the year before. When they arrive at her address in Italy, they are told by the beautiful young lady that lives there that Mike's mother is long gone, back to Idaho.

Rather than leave straight for the States, Scott decides to stick around and bang this Italian chick for a few days. They 'fall in love', and leave Mike behind to go back to America so that Scott can marry her and become the man his parents always wanted him to be. If you already think that Scott is an asshole, let me just add that only the night before, Mike declared his love for Scott, and presumably (although arguable), they have sex. Poor Mike eventually makes it back to America, where he runs into Scott one night. Scott is all slick and smooth, a real GQ cover kinda guy, with a new set of rich friends. When approached by a group of his old hustler friends, he turns his back on them. He merely used them, in some sick way, to gain some sort of life experience before diving head-first into a life of money, power, and success. Mike returns to Idaho, and what happens next is anyone's guess, as the ending is left open to interpretation. Apparently there is an alternate ending which shows Mike's brother-dad picking him up. I don't really know what to think of that, seems too sugary.

Jon swore I would hate this movie. I don't know why, I am very familiar with Van Sant's work, I know the pace at which his films normally go. This is an adaptation of Shakespeare's Henry IV Pt. 1 and 2 and Henry V. I thought that the Shakespearean dialogue and delivery of it was perfect. Some people say it was annoying, or didn't blend well, but I think it added to the dream-like quality of the film. River Phoenix's performance was incredible. I wish the same could be said for Keanu Reeves. (I really hate that guy.) Although I found this film on the brink of pretension a few times, I really think it is worth watching. The cinematography is gorgeous. The lonely roads of Idaho never looked so good. I think Van Sant is a brilliant filmmaker, and I very much look forward to his upcoming Harvey Milk biopic.

Best Line: "I love you, and you don't pay me."

Grade: A-

2008-10-07T21:15:00.001-07:00

Don't Look Now (1973), Nicolas Roeg

A couple (played to perfection by Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie) loses their daughter in an unfortunate drowning accident. Emotionally crippled by grief and guilt, they attempt to continue on with their lives. They seem to be managing, until one day when they run into two mysterious old ladies. One of them is blind as well as psychic, and claims to have "seen" their dead daughter. This sets the couple on their own obsessive quests for the truth, with completely unexpected results.

I've been meaning to see this movie for years. I first saw a clip from it years ago when Bravo showed their 100 Scariest Movie Moments. Yeah dudes, thanks for showing THE FUCKING END OF THE MOVIE. Cool spoiler alert. Anyways, I watched this movie knowing the entire time what was going to happen. And it actually had the opposite effect on my opinion of the movie than I thought it would. I thought I would either hate it, or be really bored. But I was actually really intrigued, and the fact that I already knew what happened made the last 5 minutes or so almost completely unbearable. I won't ruin the surprise for anyone else, but I will say that "certain elements" of this film made it pretty much terrifying for me to walk from the couch to my bedroom in the dark. I was just waiting for you-know-who to do you-know-what at any given moment. Seriously? I'm done writing about this because I'm getting creeped out all over again.

Grade: A

2008-10-07T09:31:00.001-07:00

Deathdream (1974), Bob Clark

A young man (Andy) is sent to Vietnam. After a while of not hearing from him, his family's worst nightmares come true when they are given notice of his death. Then, without explanation, he shows up on their doorstep later on the same night. As the days pass, it becomes more and more evident that there is something seriously wrong with Andy. His father is the first to acknowledge it, while his mother remains in denial about the all too coincidental tragedies that have been occurring since Andy came home. Can they stop Andy before it's too late? I would suggest that you watch and find out.

Bob Clark was a total badass, for a period of about 11 years in the 70s and 80s. This is the man who has brought us Black Christmas, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, A Christmas Story, and Porky's 1 and 2! Pretty impressive. Too bad anything he did after Porky's was pretty much the worst thing ever.

Deathdream really makes its low budget work in its favor. The darkness and the cheapness and the wooden acting somehow actually work. Richard Backus is perfect, Andy just gets creepier and more evil as the movie goes on. There are really no "big scares" in this movie, but it's definitely a new take on the zombie genre.

Grade: B+

2008-10-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

Hell of the Living Dead (1980), Bruno Mattai

This movie was about zombies. And maybe cannibals? That's really all I've got. It managed to be a horrible ripoff of both Dawn of the Dead and Cannibal Holocaust at the same time, all while boring me to sleep. I am not exaggerating, this movie took me not one, not two, but THREE tries to get through the whole thing. This has never happened to me before.

And just to prove that no film is without merit, there were actually about three interesting parts in the whole thing. One being the child zombie who was repeatedly shot, but was apparently unphased, as his need to eat flesh was just that insatiable. I think he was the best actor in this entire movie. Two was the gratuitous segment which prominently featured the breasts of Ms. Margit Evelyn Newton. I'd recommend Googling that name. And third was the extremely brutal uppercut right to the brain at the end.

I would probably not recommend this movie to anyone. I fell into the trap of saying to myself, "It's an Italian zombie flick. There is no way this will be as bad as everyone says!" DO NOT do this. I like bad movies, and this is probably among the worst I have ever seen.

I can't even come up with a grade for this. Oh wait, here's one: W-O-O-F.

2008-10-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

Un gatto nel cervello (1990), Lucio Fulci
A Cat In The Head; Nightmare Concert

In Fulci's homage to Fellini's 8 1/2, Fulci plays himself... playing himself. He begins to go crazy after decades of making some of the goriest horror films in history. He sees things that aren't there, distubing segments from his earlier films. And it certainly doesn't help that his psychiatrist is manipulating the situation in order to carry out his bloodiest fantasies. The story is so full of twists and turns, you are hard-pressed to tell the difference between reality, memory, and hallucination. It's a movie within a movie within a movie. It's a real mindfuck, and arguably Fulci's masterpiece. I think Wes Craven tried to do something similar with New Nightmare, but that movie was an epic fail.

A cat in the head. I think everyone can relate.

Grade: A

2008-10-03T11:44:00.000-07:00

Demoni 2... L'incubo ritorna (1986), Lamberto Bava
Demons 2

Hell yeah motherfuckers, Bava and Argento did it again. Although maybe not quite as good as Demons, this movie still kicked ass. Zombie babies bursting forth from a small child's chest cavity, Alien-style. Do I even need to say anything else? Ok, fine. I will.

Demons 2 is sort of contradictory to the first movie. In the first movie, the zombie virus claimed it's first victim via a mask. In this film, a woman becomes a zombie simply by watching the movie shown in Demons on her own television. Her apartment building seals itself, much in the way that the movie theater did in the first film. And I think you can figure it out from here.

Oh yeah, and The Smiths are on the soundtrack. Just sayin'.

Grade: B+

2008-10-03T08:40:00.001-07:00

Dèmoni (1985), Lamberto Bava
Demons

Oh, you don't like fast zombies? Oh, and you don't like it when people become zombies in inexplicable ways? What's that? You like movies with a plot? Really? WELL TOO BAD. Dario Argento and Lamberto Bava don't give a fuck. A mysterious man hands out free tickets to a movie at a mysterious theater no one has bothered to notice before. Via an evil looking metal mask, this broad becomes infected with the virus of the undead. The doors of the theater seal themselves, and the patrons are trapped inside, with clever, bloodthirsty zombies running amok. There is eye gouging. There are zombie babies. There is coke being snorted out of coke cans. There is a never-ending supply of unintentionally hilarious one-liners. This is an amalgamation of everything an 80s slasher/zombie film should be. This is the standard to which all other such movies had to compare themselves to. Also, Dario Argento has really hot daughters.

Best Line: "THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO TOUCH THINGS!"

Grade: A

2008-10-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

Freaked (1993), Alex Winter

An evil corporation pays former child star Ricky Coogan $5M to promote a chemical, Zyklon 24, which they know to be toxic. Along the way, Coogan decides he would rather chase tail than do his job, and deformity (caused by the very chemical that Coogan was paid to promote, no less!) ensues for all.

This was one of my favorites as a kid. I used to watch it on satellite (lolz) with my cousin. I hadn't seen it since childhood, but it holds up. I would put it in the same vein as They Live: a cheesy B-movie on the outside, a smart, well-written film on the inside. The cast of this movie is just as awesome as They Live, if not more. Alex Winter, Randy (My Favorite) Quaid, Brooke Shields looking like her ass don't age, William "Hey Guess What I've Been In Everything Ever" Sadler, MISTER FUCKING T... I could go on. The fact that it was directed by Alex "Bill S. Preston, Esq." Winter only adds to the awesomeness that is Freaked.

Grade: B+

2008-09-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

Altered States (1980), Ken Russell

Eddie Jessup, a Harvard professor, has been conducting experiments to prove his theory that schizophrenics are not "crazy," their minds merely process in a different level of consciousness which non-schizos will never know. He utilizes sensory deprivation tanks, and hallucinogenic drugs to carry out his experiments. He becomes so engrossed in his research that he begins to test himself. He hears of a drug used by a tribe in Mexico, which they claim can take them back to not only their own first memory, but the first memory of the first man. They allow him to join in on their ritual, and he has the strangest hallucinations he has ever experienced. He convinces them to allow him to return to America with a good amount of the substance, and continues to experiment on himself. He ingests so much of the drug that he actually begins to genetically devolve.

Would you believe this idiot has a hot wife and two adorable little girls (one of which just happens to be Drew Barrymore)? Well he does, and therein lies the other problem. He basically abandons his family because the experiment takes over his life. Love no longer matters to him, only the pursuit of knowledge. He also calls himself an atheist, so there is a lot of really awesome, really blasphemous imagery in his hallucinations. However, I think he wants to believe in God, but God has given him nothing to believe in, and his faith or rejection of it has been a major lifelong struggle for him. In the end, he discovers the "ultimate truth," the meaning of life. I won't share it with you, but it is a damn powerful ending.

This was a really weird movie. It was written by Paddy Chayefsky, the same gentleman that wrote the media-skewering classic, Network. However, finding someone to direct it was nearly impossible. Ken Russell was actually the 27th director approached about the project. While in production, Chayefsky was so displeased with the way things had turned out that he removed his name from the project before the film was even finished. Ken Russell is kind of a weird choice, because he is most known for his work in softcore pornography, and campfests like Tommy and The Devils. I must say, I was rather impressed by the hallucination sequences. I think I got high just from watching this film. I also love the fact that William Hurt's film career started with this movie.

I would recommend this to lovers of campy science fiction or drug movies. It's definitely not for everyone.

Best Line: "I'm a man in search of his true self. How archetypically American can you get? We're all trying to fulfill ourselves, understand ourselves, get in touch with ourselves, face the reality of ourselves, explore ourselves, expand ourselves. Ever since we dispensed with God we've got nothing but ourselves to explain this meaningless horror of life."

Grade: B+

2008-09-29T21:51:00.001-07:00

Hellraiser (1987), Clive Barker

This is maybe my favorite horror film of all time. Since it was shown as a double feature at the same bar as Nightbreed, and Jon has never seen it before, I decided it was allowed to be on the list.

Frank Cotton is a huge perv. You would think that boning his brother's wife six ways to Sunday would be taking it to the limit enough for him, but no. He goes in search of the Lament Configuration, basically a Pandora's Box of both pleasure and pain, delivered straight to your door by four hideous S&M creatures direct from hell. I don't suppose Frank counted on going right back to hell with them, but I'd say he deserved it.

Frank's brother (Larry) and his tramp of a wife (Julia) move back into what I believe we are to surmise is their former home. After they left (or abandoned it?), Frank apparently used it as his own personal den of sin, and hence, this is where he met his fate. As the couple is moving in, Larry has a very minor accident. But this small amount of bloodshed is all it takes to bring Frank back from hell. But really, it only brings him halfway back. In order to bring himself back fully, so that he can get back to sexin' Julia. He enlists her in his quest for more blood, and since she seems to have nothing better to do, she obliges.

All the while, Larry's pesky daughter (Kirsty), who is maybe the only person in this film that is not a complete dumbass, discovers creepy Uncle Frank and the little magic box. She figures out the Lament Configuration herself, and the Cenobites return. Since Kirsty isn't really into the whole S&M thing, she sells out her uncle in exchange for her own freedom. The Cenobites battle it out with Uncle Franky, with deliciously gory results.

If you haven't seen this, I don't know what to tell you, other than you are missing out on one of the greatest horror films of all time. If not the greatest, depending on what you're into.

Best Line: "JE-SUS..... WEP-T."

Grade: A+

2008-09-29T10:48:00.000-07:00

Nightbreed (1990), Clive Barker

This is probably the only movie I've ever seen where monsters are good guys, and humans are bad guys. Said monsters reside beneath a graveyard, in the city of Midian. They never venture outside of Midian, and therefore, go on about their existence causing no harm or annoyance to the inhabitants of the surrounding town. But alas, the mere fact that the "naturals" know that they are there is enough. David Cronenberg plays a psychiatrist bent on eradicating the monsters, at any cost. However, it seems that he himself desires to be a monster but was not allowed? And therein lies the reason for revenge. Or not? It's kind of a hard movie to explain.

A lot of people say this is an allegory of being gay. There are a few lines that really, really stick out when you watch the movie with this in mind. But I guess you could say that most of Barker's work is a metaphor of the many facets of being a gay male in a hetero-dominated world. So essentially, he is simply writing what he knows.

I watched this last night at a bar, on a projector. I wish I was rich, I would buy myself a projector, because that's the way movies should be watched. Anyways, I think I may have been the only person there who actually enjoyed this film. Most people found it to be boring and cheesy. If only the Director's Cut were available! The studio cut out about 25 minutes of Barker's original film, attempting to make it more marketable as a slasher movie of sorts. All they really did was cut out things that were pretty integral to making it an interesting story and added in things that left it open for sequels. Sequels that never even happened. Thanks a lot, Hollywood!

David Cronenberg was perfect in this movie, with those steely eyes and those weird ass glasses. And his hair! My god, that man has a head of hair that even I am jealous of. Craig Sheffer seems like he's probably a douche. The dude who played the sheriff? Clearly more stoked on being in a movie than learning to act. The only boobs in this are monster boobs, so sorry pervs. Regardless, it is a pretty cool movie. A must-see for Barker fans. Keep your fingers crossed for that Director's Cut, dudes!

Grade: B

2008-09-26T09:19:00.001-07:00

Blow Out (1981), Brian De Palma

John Travolta plays a soundman working for a cheesy B-movie director in this update of Antonioni's Blowup. Tired of hearing the same old sound effects, the director demands that he go out and record some new ones. Trying to capture night sounds late one evening, he unintentionally records a murder. The plot gets pretty Kennedy-esque from here on out, and Travolta quickly finds himself in the middle of a political conspiracy.

I would consider this to be Travolta's last good role until Quentin Tarantino revived his career in 1994, by giving him the part of Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. (Can you name one genuinely good thing he's done since then? I can't.) Blow Up is actually one of Tarantino's top three favorite movies (Rio Bravo and Taxi Driver are the other two), so naturally I felt that I had to watch it. But I digress. John Travolta is awesome in this movie. Nancy Allen was actually pretty annoying. I realize that was the point, but I think she overdid it. And John Lithgow's part could have been so much more evil! If you're looking for a Hollywood ending, I would suggest looking elsewhere, because this shit's bleak.

Grade: B+

2008-09-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

They Live (1988), John Carpenter

John Carpenter is a genius. I mean, the dude cast "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in a parable about consumer culture. I find this movie fascinating because on the surface, it seems like just another cheesy B-movie. But it's actually a pretty clever social statement. Rowdy Roddy plays a nameless drifter who comes to a nameless city looking for work and a patch of dirt to sleep on. He notices some strange happenings at a nearby church, and decides that snooping around in there is an awesome idea. It actually is, because he ends up stumbling upon the raddest sunglasses in movie history. They allow him to see the world for what it really is- full of subliminal messages intended to manipulate the middle class into consuming every product in sight, obeying authority, reproducing, etc. and aliens disguised as upper crust snobs. The always excellent character actor Keith David plays his reluctant sidekick. The two of them have a bizarre 5 1/2 minute long fight scene that will be parodied to death till the end of time. Eventually the aliens figure out that normal people can see them, and start laying the smack down on middle class losers. The ending is not what you'd expect. It comes totally out of left field. If I say anything more, I'd be giving too much away.

Best Line: "You... you look like your face fell in the cheese dip back in 1957." -Nada

Grade: A

2008-09-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Network (1976), Sidney Lumet

Howard Beale, a network newsanchor, is given his two weeks notice due to poor ratings. This, combined with a number of other unfortunate events in his life, lead him to announce his decision to kill himself live on TV on the night of his final broadcast. Instead of getting Beale the help he so obviously desparately needs, his job is reinstated and his prophetic ramblings are exploited to gain viewers for the dying network. Predictably, it works, and Beale becomes an overnight sensation. But what goes up must come down, and such success has a lofty price.

Lumet and writer Paddy Chayefsky called Network a "reflection" of American media. Although it comes off as a satire to some, they were merely presenting the harsh truth behind what we see on the 6:00 news. This film is as relevant now as it ever was. Especially considering the reality TV explosion of the past decade, Network still rings all too true. What shocked me most of all was the things that the news was covering back then (recession, high oil prices, Russia, unemployment, etc.) are the same things we hear about constantly now. 32 years later, it's still the same old shit.

This is probably one of the best movies I have ever seen in my life. I never thought I would like a movie consisting mostly of a bunch of old white guys so much! The acting is so powerful, and the monologues in this movie are so moving, I had a lump in my throat during a few scenes. I seriously can't believe it took me 23 years to watch this movie, especially since it's on cable all the time!

(I'm not even going to bother with a "Best Line" for this movie. I would have to copy and paste the whole goddamn script. )

Grade: A+

2008-09-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Casual Fridays (2002?), TV CARNAGE

Oh how I love video mixtapes. Crazy Dave Tape 2 was my personal favorite... buuuut this one is just as good, in a different way. CDT2 is super fast-paced, but Casual Fridays lets things linger more and allows for the viewer to laugh at things that are worth more than just a passing glance. And never will I ever get the monstrosity above out of my head.

Grade: A+

2008-09-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

À l'intérieur (2007), Alexandre Bustillo/Julien Maury
Inside

A pregnant woman and her husband are involved in a car crash. The husband dies. His wife and unborn child survive. She becomes more and more depressed each day, as one obviously would due to losing the love of their life to such circumstances, and thus she is pretty much a complete asshole to everyone close to her. The night before Christmas, Sarah prepares to give birth bright and early the next day. All is well and normal, until she gets a seemingly random (and shit-in-pants inducing) visit from a mysterious woman.

This movie is fucking TERRIFYING! Seriously! I thought maybe it was just because I myself possess a uterus, and therefore can identify. But no! I have seen this twice, both times I was the only female present, and was most definitely NOT the only person on the brink of urinating all over myself. Sure, there are some things that don't add up. But my personal opinion is that the unexplainable adds to the cringe factor. The type of horror movies that scare me most are ones involving home intrusions (If you can recommend me some, that would be rad. Thanks in advance.), so needless to say... shit, meet pants.

Grade: A+

P.S. La Femme looked pretty familiar to me, so I IMDb'ed her, and she was totally the blind lady in Jarmusch's Night on Earth! Weird, huh?

2008-09-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

Schramm (1993), Jorg Buttgereit

A fairly arty film, as Buttgereit's films usually are, about a serial killer's life flashing before his eyes as he lays dying. It is never clearly explained why he kills, or motives behind who he kills. He is referred to as 'The Lipstick Killer,' and has a portrait of a rather motherly looking woman hanging up in his apartment. There is a very demented-looking hairy, greasy, rotten toothed vagina monster that continually pops up. I suppose the viewer is to assume it's an Oedipal thing. It's all very mysterious and senseless. It made me very nervous about going over to friends' places by myself. People are creeps.

Jorg-Butt, as my friends and I so lovingly refer to him, is one weird ass dude. He's just all over the place. One minute he's making an art film, the next he's aiming for another spot on the Disturbo 13. That said, he did make Gazorra, which is my favorite short film of all time, so all his sins are perpetually forgiven n my eyes. This movie was actually much, much less gory than I had expected, or maybe I am just so desensitized that it didn't seem like a big deal, which is actually really sad. He was definitely going for something a little more cerebral than your average serial slasher film with this one. If you're going to watch this, make sure the subs are clear and visible. On the copy I watched, they were very small and more often than not, terribly difficult to read.

Grade: B-

2008-09-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Gates of Heaven (1978), Errol Morris

A documentary about, well... pet cemetaries. Well, to start anyways. It was also about pet owners and the intense connection they feel for their pets, the ups and downs of being a small business owner, working for a family-owned business, and the awful things that can happen to your little mew-mew when she dies (Rendering? Jesus Christ that's gross!).

I like the way the interviews were presented, without judgement. Morris leaves that up to the viewer. I can see this movie's influence particularly strongly in the films of Christopher Guest. I liked this movie, but I was also kind of bored. I think I should probably watch it again, preferably BEFORE I start downing a bunch of red wine. But before I do that, I'm probably going to check out other Morris films, most likely Fast, Cheap, and Out Of Control, to start.

Grade: B

2008-09-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS (1975), Don Edmonds

This movie is about... hey wait, what was this movie about again? I'm sorry, I was distracted by all the nude people and gore. Wait, was there a plot? Um... I'm not really sure. I think it was basically just an hour and a half excuse to see a lot of gratuitous sex and violence. And people in Nazi costumes. Ilsa is a commander of some sort? or maybe a doctor? who does experiments and/or bones basically all of the prisoners of a concentration camp during WWII. Dyanne Thorne was around 40 when this film was made, but gravity was clearly kind to her.

Uhhhh... I really don't know what to say. I certainly do not recommend this movie to anyone. At all. It was just really not that good. What bunch of sick fucks made this such a popular cult film over the years? Thanks for all the boobs, Don Edmonds. I'd like my 96 minutes back now, if you don't mind. What a stinker.

Grade: C (For lots of gore and copious nudity, the two cornerstones of any good film.)

2008-09-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Bottle Rocket (1996), Wes Anderson

Three doofuses, with nothing better to do, plan out overly elaborate ways to pull off small time robberies. Along the way, the most attractive of the three gets to bone a hot Latina. Sweet.

I really hate Wes Anderson. (With one exception- I really like Rushmore.) I guess this movie wasn't that bad. Although I don't really see what all the hype is about. I guess it was cute, or whatever. And I did laugh sometimes. Luke Wilson is kind of a babe, but his hair was too 90s in this movie. Am I missing something? Why am I the only person I know that is not into Wes Anderson? In a battle of "Directors With The Surname of Anderson," Paul Thomas would totally kick the shit out of this dork. I mean, his dad is motherfucking Ghoulardi! Stay sick, knifs.

Best Line: "On the run from Johnny Law. Ain't no trip to Cleveland." -Dignan

Grade: B-

2008-09-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman, The Fabulous Stains (1981), Lou Adler

A young Diane Lane and an even younger Laura Dern (15! and 13!, respectively, at the time this was filmed) play young ladies desperate to get out out their quickly dying town. In some rather contrived fashion, the girls end up opening for two semi-known bands on a tour throughout PA. (It's important to mention that these two bands contain actual members of The Clash, Sex Pistols, and The Tubes. How fun!) With much help from an oddly enthusiastic local news reporter, they rise almost as quickly as they fall. A pretty important lesson in the inevitable downfalls of greed, and never forgetting your roots.

Sorry, Netflix, but you're probably never getting this one back. I watched it like, three times in two days this week. I was so impressed with Diane Lane in this movie! For only being 15, she gave one hell of a performance. Laura Dern was just kinda there. Her performance was in no way indicative of the excellent work she would be doing just a few years later. Certainly an inspiration to the riot grrl explosion that would happen a few years later, I think the movie had a lot of interesting things to say about women and the very human tendency to conform. I really hated the obviously tacked on ending. I would have done just fine with the intended bleak ending. Anyways, I need to start working on my Third Degree Burns Halloween costume immediately! Who wants to be Dee Pleeted? Or Dizzy Heights?

Best Line: "Every girl should be given an electric guitar on her 16th birthday." -Corinne Burns

Grade: A- (For the shitty ending.)

2008-09-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

Wait Until Dark (1967), Terence Young

The timelessly adorable Audrey Hepburn plays Suzy, a recently blinded woman menaced by three really, really bad dudes in search of a heroin-filled doll which they believe to be located in her apartment. I am skipping over important plot points here, but that's because I want you to watch this movie! And when you do watch it, I implore you to watch it in the dark, as the title suggests.

The acting in this movie is phenomenal. I really hated the shit out of Alan Arkin's character, which was the point. He was a brave man in taking this role. I mean of course, who would not hate someone so gosh-darn mean to sweet little Audrey Hepburn?! For a movie with so little gore, it genuinely had my palms sweating towards the end. This movie is often named as one of the scariest movies of all time. Before seeing it, I scoffed at the notion. But seriously, this one is a nail biter. I've read that when the movie was in theaters, all the lights were turned out one by one during the last twelve minutes. I probably would have pooped myself, had I seen it in that setting!

Best Line: "They should make heroin look like something else. Candy bars maybe." -Lisa

Grade: A+

2008-09-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

Frankenhooker (1990), Frank Henenlotter

Jeffery Franken loses his fiancee to an unfortunate lawn mowing incident. Coincidentally, he is a med school dropout/mad scientist type, prone to odd experiments with body parts and such! With the love of his life now in a million little pieces (a few of which he kept for posterity), he feels compelled to bring her back to life, no matter what. Being the smart guy that he is, he figures he can kill some hookers with little to no repercussion. He also figures that all hookers really love crack! So he uses his evil genius to create some SUPER CRACK. And by SUPER CRACK, I of course mean crack that causes spontaneous combustion upon ingestion. He must not know much about pimpin' though. It really is hard out there for a pimp, when all your hoes have exploded, thus forcing you into unemployment. Hell hath no fury like a clearly roided-out pimp scorned, my friends. I think you guys are smart enough to figure it out from here. But be sure not to fall asleep before the oh-so-shocking twist ending!

Given my immense love of Henenlotter's other films (The Basket Case trilogy, Brain Damage), you would think that I would have really enjoyed this movie. But no. Although I will say that there is about 10 minutes of this movie (towards the end) that I actually did LOL at. Watch out for cameos from Henenlotter regulars Beverly Bonner and Joseph Gonzalez. Or really, seeing as how this is the weakest film in his repertoire, skip this and watch Brain Damage for the 5 millionth time.

Best Line: "In a blaze of blood, bones, and body parts, the vivacious young girl was instantly reduced to a tossed human salad. A salad that police are still trying to gather up. A salad that was once named... Elizabeth."

Grade: C

P.S. Mr. Henenlotter saved a lot of old exploitation roadshow reels, and sells copies (and writes hilarious reviews) of them for Something Weird. Check it out!

2008-09-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

Matinee/MANT! (1993), Joe Dante

Matinee is a loving homage to all the cheesy sci-fi matinees I imagine director Joe Dante (and really, one would assume most of the adult actors in the film as well) attended as a child. The story centers around two boys who get moved around from Army base to Army base each year, before they ever really have a chance to make friends. They seek comfort at the local theater, where they can lose themselves in the fantasy worlds shown each weekend afternoon. John Goodman plays Lawrence Woolsey, a character that will seem awfully familiar to William Castle fans. Woolsey's gimmicks finally go awry during a screening of his new movie, MANT! Let the hilarity and heart-warming ensue.

Gee whiz! This movie is just one more reminder that I was born about 30 years too late! I am seriously SO jealous of anyone who ever got to experience a movie in this way in the 50s/60s. I feel like we as moviegoers today are really missing out. All I need is a flux capacitor, a Doc Brown, and a DeLorian that can go at least 88 MPH...

Best Line: "You think grownups have it all figured out? That's just a hustle, kid. Grownups are making it up as they go along, just like you. You remember that, and you'll do fine. " -Lawrence Woolsey

Grade: A

2008-09-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

Un Chien Andalou (1929), Luis Bunuel

Clocking in at only 16 minutes, Luis Bunuel and Salvador Dali created one of the (if not THE) most influential films in the history of underground cinema. I apologize for the lack of plot summary, as there really is no plot. This film consists of a series of surreal events, simultaneously grotesque and provocative, told in a dream-like manner. Although the film was released in 1929, I still find it rather shocking, even by today's/my standards. I mean seriously, try not to cringe at a woman's eyeball (Duh, it was a cow's eye. I know. Still pretty awful.) being sliced for no apparent reason, or ants crawling out of a hole in a man's hand. Endlessly referenced and ripped off by lots of my favorite directors, this is a must-see (or a good starting point) for those interested in the history of cinema.

Grade: A+

2008-09-24T09:28:00.000-07:00

Santa Sangre (1989), Alejandro Jodorowsky

Before I officially start this review, I just have to say... THIS. MOVIE. IS. FUCKING. AWESOME.

This is probably Jodorowsky's most "accessible" film. I feel really weird saying that, because none of his films are really "accessible." But, if you are reading this blog, you are probably not the average viewer, so yes, it will be the most accessible for you. Santa Sangre is about a family of circus performers. The mother and father have a very impassioned and intense relationship. It is hard to tell whether they love their son, or if they just use him as a sort of pawn in their selfish mind games. The subplot is the boy falling in love with a super cute deaf/mute mime in the circus. Their love is very pure and unselfish, and it serves as a sharp contrast to the twisted love triangle of their parents. When the boy's mother finds her husband cheating on her, a series of rather graphic and gruesome events leads the boy to spend half of his life in some sort of group home/mental institution situation. Randomly, the mother encourages the boy to break out and join her on the outside. From here, it becomes a mix between a fairy tale, a bad trip, and a case study Freud could only dream of.

The visuals in this movie are just what you would expect from Jodorowsky: vibrant, surreal, beautiful, and full of symbolism. Aestheticization of violence? Of course! Compared to say, El Topo or The Holy Mountain, the plot is actually kind of linear! If you don't have a lump in your throat at the end of this movie, you're a total jerk.

Have fun trying to find a copy, because I'm pretty sure it has yet to be released on DVD in the States. I've seen bootlegs around, but make sure you're getting the NC-17 version. Or really? Just download it. Piracy rules! (Am I allowed to say that? I mean... uhh... Buy it when it does inevitably get released in a format available for purchase with real Amurrican money!)

Grade: A

2008-09-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Dans Ma Peau (2002), Marina De Van
In My Skin

Esther badly injures her leg at a party. Astonished by how painless it was, and the way her leg looks now that it has been altered from it's former perfect state, she begins to explore her body further through self-mutilation, cannibalism, and so forth. She continues down her path of self-destruction, much to the dismay of her boyfriend, her friends, and her co-workers, who cannot understand her new obsession.

I watched this movie for the wrong reasons. In the States, it is often mislabeled as a gory horror movie. I watched it because I'm a big fan of the horror movies coming out of France in the past few years. What I got was something much more. In My Skin is a deeply personal film, written, directed, and starring Marina De Van. We Americans are so used to having things spoonfed to us that we get disappointed when a movie actually makes us think. Unfortunately, I must admit that is how I reacted to this film at first. There are so many ways that this film can be interpreted, and the only person who truly has the answers is Ms. De Van herself.

A lot of people see this as some sort of feminist statement, but I really think it has very little to do with that. My personal feeling is that Esther is unable to truly connect with others, and possibly losing her sense of self. Possible mental illness (?) in addition to her feeling of disconnection from herself and others is what draws her to explore her... insides.

The scenes of her self-mutilation are highly eroticized, in the sense that they are filmed in the same way one would film a sex scene. I would even go as far as to compare her compulsive behavior with an illicit affair. It starts off small, then develops into a obsession that is selfish and disregards those who implore one to cease their destructive behavior. I find this aspect of this film the most fascinating.

I would recommend this film to those who enjoy contemporary French films; Cronenberg fans that wonder what his movies would be like if he were a French woman in her 30s; or total pervs that want to see full frontal AT ANY COST. In My Skin is very open to interpretation, and I would be interested to hear what others got out of this film.

Grade: B+

2008-09-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

Harold and Maude (1971), Hal Ashby

Harold is a self-absorbed, death-obsessed, extremely wealthy young man. With no friends or ladyfriends to speak of, he spends his free time driving around in an old hearse to various funerals, and faking suicides in front of his cold-as-ice mother. He begins to notice another funeral crasher, Maude, and the two gradually develop a pretty adorable partnership in crime.

This is one of the only "romantic comedies" I have ever enjoyed in my life. It's clever, hilarious, and timeless. It would be a good date movie, assuming you are dating someone really cool with a good sense of humor. In other words, I would use this as my own personal litmus test.

Grade: A+

2008-09-12T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hard Eight (1996), P.T. Anderson

Paul Thomas Anderson's first film. It's sort of a gambling movie, sort of a father/son movie, sort of a P.T. Anderson movie. After doing a little reading on this, I found out that the reason why it seems so derivative is because Anderson had barely any input on this film (right down to the title, which was originally supposed to be Sydney). Hard Eight revolves around an old-timey Rat Pack kinda guy (Phillip Baker Hall), a new jack (played to naive perfection by a young Dr. Steve Brule), a hooker (Gwyneth Paltrow, of all people), and Samuel L. Jackson basically reprising his role as Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction.

I watched this movie without knowing what it was about at all, and I was pleasantly surprised. I feel as though Anderson's movies all have that similar "dark" look to them, and this is no exception. Had I seen this movie in 1996, I would have probably thought that it was indicative of Anderson's potential as a director. Seeing this now, after seeing all of his other films, I see it as a stepping stone on his way to becoming a great filmmaker.

Best Line: "I will fuck you up if you fuck with me, ok? I know three kinds of Karate: Jujitsu, Aikido... and regular Karate." - John Finnegan

Grade: B+

2008-09-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987), Sam Raimi

Maybe I should be exempt from reviewing any zombie movies watched during this challenge? Seriously, words cannot express my love for Bruce Campbell, especially as Ash. This is more than your standard horror-comedy fare. This film is clever, intelligent, and the makeup and special effects are hilarious (by 2008 standards). If you have never seen this movie, it's your loss dude.

2008-09-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Machine Girl (2008), Noboru Iguchi

Yet another Japanese female revenge film. Ami, the "Machine Girl" in question, attempts to avenge her little brother's death, losing half an arm to an unfortunate tree fungus incident in the process. I am lying (a little), but yadda yadda yadda, she becomes equipped with a machine gun arm and kills half of Japan in the process. Cool.

This movie was pretty dreadful in the way of writing/acting. Watching it dubbed rather than subtitled is the way to go, I assure you. However, in terms of gore and hilarity (sometimes intentional, sometimes not), it was gold star sticker-worthy. There were some parts that could be interpreted as homages to Evil Dead II and Riki-Oh. I guess. The amount of CGI in this movie is pretty ridiculous. I feel like the whole movie was just done in front of a green screen. So basically what I'm saying is that there is A LOT OF GRATUITOUS GORE in this film. I would recommend this to anyone looking for a one night stand, because I wouldn't really call The Machine Girl relationship material.

Grade: B- (But only because there was so much goddamn fake blood!)

2008-09-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

eXistenZ (1999), David Cronenberg.

Cronenberg's obsession with grotesque imagery and objects shaped like deformed genitalia continues. My boyfriend thinks that this should be watched after Videodrome, as a companion piece. I think he's right. There are a lot of similarities between the two movies, it seems as though eXistenZ is almost sort of an update of Videodrome. Instead of television getting in your head, now it's video games. The lines of reality, technology, and fantasy are blurred again in much the same way.

There are a few cheesy moments, but now I realize that those moments are a very important tool in this movie. They are Cronenberg's way of letting the audience know that they're witnessing life in the game, as opposed to in "reality." I really think that the story as a whole is not that unbelievable. I think we will see a game like this in our lifetime. He has a lot to say about free will and its questionable existence. Maybe even our own questionable existence. And as always, even the simplest of things is made overtly sexual. (Maybe sensual is a more appropriate word?)

A lot of people think that Jude Law was miscast in this part. I disagree! I think he is at his best in sci-fi/suspense movies, as opposed to rom-coms. (Seriously, Alfie is an atrocity.) His boyish looks coupled with the fact that he was relatively inexperienced at the time, compared to his co-star (Jennifer Jason Leigh), gave him a sort of naivete that made his role all the more convincing. I also noticed that, although the viewer is to assume this movie took place in the future, there was a serious lack of the cliche futuristic elements usually used in such a movie, further adding to the sense of realism. It's definitely a movie that begs repeat viewing. After this crazy challenge is over, I'm probably going to revisit this.

Best Line: "I'm feeling a little disconnected from my real life. I'm kinda losing touch with the texture of it. You know what I mean? I actually think there is an element of psychosis involved here. " -Ted Pikul

Grade: B+

2008-09-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hype! (1996), Doug Pray

Hype! is a documentary about the grunge explosion and it's effect on the Seattle music scene. Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam, 7 Year Bitch, Tad, Kim Thayil of Soundgarden, Mark Arm of Mudhoney, Bruce Pavitt and Johnathan Poneman of Sup Pop Records, and Megan Jasper, the woman we have to thank for the phrase "swingin' on the flippity flop" are among those interviewed. Lots of great live footage is included, even the first ever live performance of "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

Seeing as how this genre of music is kinda my thing, I feel a bit biased in my opinion of this movie. (It was great, duh!) I think that while bands like Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and Nirvana would have been the main focus of a lesser documentary, this one is particularly special because it takes the focus off those bands, and places it where it belongs: the equally great but much less acknowledged bands like Seaweed, the Fastbacks, 7 Year Bitch, etc. My only complaint is that the Olympia scene wasn't discussed further. (Although my gripe was actually addressed by the 2005 Kerri Koch documentary, Don't Need You.) I definitely recommend this to anyone who loves flannel and cheap brews as much as I do.

Best Line: "I mean, you hear a song that's a great song; play it a million times, you never want to hear it again... 'If I hear that song one more time... if I see that guy's face one more time... I'm gonna fuckin find out his address and kill that motherfucker!' I don't blame 'em. I've said it myself. " -Eddie Vedder

Grade: B

2008-09-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

Videodrome (1983), David Cronenberg

James Woods plays Max Renn, a cable TV programmer on the hunt for something new and obscene to offer his viewers. He stumbles upon a particularly disturbing show, "Videodrome," and is immediately sucked in. One fateful night, he shows the program to his new girlfriend Nikki (who just happens to be one of the hottest babes ever, Ms. Deborah Harry), and it's pretty much all downhill for Max and Nikki from there. Hallucinations, conspiracies, murder, uncomfortable S&M sequences, weird chest vaginas, and the most disgusting looking videocassettes in the history of film... this movie truly has it all.

This is a movie that has been reviewed thousands of times, I see no need to do so. If you haven't already seen this, what are you waiting for? It's a classic. It's creepy. And it is particularly relevant in our reality TV-obsessed times. Long live the new flesh.

Best Line: "You'll forgive me if I don't stay around to watch. I just can't cope with the freaky stuff." -Barry Convex

2008-09-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

Dead Alive (1992), Peter Jackson

Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy's mom eats girl's dog. A classic love story, indeed.

I had the great fortune of being able to finally see this movie in a real theater. I had always felt that a small screen at home did this film no justice. This is a movie meant to be seen at the theater, around people, as close as you can get to the screen without breaking your neck.

The scene involving Lionel and the lawnmower is the best scene in zombie movie history. Everything after that is far too silly for my taste, I really wish Jackson would have just ended it there. Beyond that, I'm not even going to bother reviewing this.

Grade: A+

Best Line: "Stand back boy, this calls for divine intervention. I kick ass for the Lord!" -Father McGruder

2008-09-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

Sedmikrasky (1966), Vera Chytilova
Daisies

Two cute girls, in cute clothes, doing cute things. Juuuuust kidding! Sedmikrasky is the story of two young women, going about their daily business. Apparently their daily business consists of sunning themselves while discussing the meaning of life, love, and politics, getting foolish old men to buy them lunch, getting in enormous food fights, and just being "bad" in general. These nihilistic ladies have decided that since the rest of the world has gone bad, they might as well go bad too.

The story telling was very non-linear, only following a loose plot throughout the film. The imagery and editing were fantastic! Very Dada. Lots of symbolism, ie. the cutting of the sausage whilst blonde Marie's suitor is professing his undying love for her. I think it's very rare that you see a movie featuring two women (or really, just two people in general) being completely silly, yet entertaining and thought-provoking. That it was directed by a woman in a time when there probably weren't tons of women making films, let alone being so rebellious and experimental and having so little to derive inspiration from makes it that much more special. I am curious as to whether this movie was an inspiration to Alan Martin and Jamie Hewlett when they were doing the Tank Girl comics?

Grade: A+

2008-09-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Shivers (1975), David Cronenberg

A new man made breed of parasite, spread any number of ways, turns the inhabitants of an island into stark raving mad sex fiends! It doesn't matter if you're male, female, black, white, young, or old- these little guys are equal opportunity. This film predated the AIDS epidemic by several years, pretty powerful foreshadowing if you ask me.

At first, I thought the bugs looked like penises. But as the movie went on, I realized that they're more scatologic than phallic, so no symbolism there. (Or is there?) The scene with Barbara Steele in the bathtub really played on a common fear amongst females; something very unwanted, and very, very icky entering your most private of private places. Between this and the bathtub scene in Nightmare on Elm Street, I think it's pretty safe to say I am a "shower-only" kinda girl.

There were some really fucked up scenes that reminded me a lot of The Shining. You know, as we're being shown around the hotel, looking into all the rooms, seeing all the little slice of life things that make you glad the movie is not taking place in that room. The scene with the old man and his daughter, and the scene with the children on leashes, particularly. The latter of which brings up another thought. Do you think Cronenberg could get away with the scenes involving the sexualization of children in 2008? No way. I see why they were included- because otherwise, the audience would be left asking how the parasite affected the children of the island. I am interested to see if the remake touches on this at all.

But I digress. If you can see through the seemingly ad-libbed dialogue and wooden acting, there is a message there. My first reaction after the movie was: "So... what's the downside? I mean, you don't die. You just have a lot of sex." I was just kidding, of course. You can come up with any number of conclusions, I personally think it was about living in excess and becoming a slave to your vices. Zombie movies are always so moralist!

Best Line: "Roger, I had a very disturbing dream last night. In this dream I found myself making love to a strange man. Only I'm having trouble you see, because he's old... and dying... and he smells bad, and I find him repulsive. But then he tells me that everything is erotic, that everything is sexual. You know what I mean? He tells me that even old flesh is erotic flesh. That disease is the love of two alien kinds of creatures for each other. That even dying is an act of eroticism. That talking is sexual. That breathing is sexual. That even to physically exist is sexual. And I believe him, and we make love beautifully. " -Nurse Forsythe

Grade: A-

2008-09-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

Four Rooms (1995), Alison Anders/Alexandre Rockwell/Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino

One movie, four directors. Tim Roth plays Ted the Bellhop, the only character appearing in all four segments. Anders and Rockwell's contributions were really too boring to even bother explaining in depth. A coven of super-babe witches and a role-playing couple, respectively. Rodriguez's segment was the best- a pair of really, REALLY mischievous siblings toying with the poor bellhop. If you think little kids smoking, drinking, and saying "fuck" a lot, watching the porno channel, and basically raising as much hell as possible is as hilarious as I did, I think you'll agree with me. Tarantino's segment was classic QT. Long takes, dialogue-heavy, bare feet, drug use, the use of the word "fuck" over a hundred times, white Honda Civics and old GM's, a 1960s media reference, I could go on.

Four Rooms bombed at the box office, despite the impressive ensemble cast. The movie is really not anything mind-blowing. The first half is terribly boring. It was a good idea, executed poorly by Anders and Rockwell. I heard a rumor that the part of Ted the Bellhop was written with Steve Buscemi in mind. One can only imagine how much better this movie would have been without Tim Roth spazzing his way through this movie like a coked-up Jerry Lewis. I think that any Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration is pretty much pure gold, so you might as well just skip ahead to the 3rd and 4th stories, if you feel you must watch it.

Best Line: "Impossible! You can't see shit! Now GO to SLEEP!" -Ted the Bellhop

Grade: C

2008-09-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Thriller - en grym film (1974), Bo Arne Vibenus.
Thriller: A Cruel Picture

Another Tarantino favorite, this one inspired the "visually impaired" character of Elle Driver in Kill Bill. (I also suspect this movie inspired Abel Ferrara in making Ms. 45, but that is another post for another day.)

Christina Lindberg, of 70's sexploitation fame, plays Frigga, a young woman rendered mute after a sexual assault when she was a child. She grows up into a beautiful, although naive woman, due to her parents' isolation since the "incident." Narrowly missing the bus to a doctor's appointment one day, she meets a rich and exciting man, who seems like a perfect excuse to run away from her boring/lonely life. Little does she know, her Prince Charming is scheming to turn her into a heroin-addicted, one-eyed prostitute! No longer one to take things lying down (har har), when Frigga is not being violated ten ways to Sunday, she begins learning how to be a total badass in every way! Another great female revenge movie, brought to you by 1970's grindhouse culture.

The opening scene is incredibly disturbing, with the rape of Frigga by an utterly disgusting looking old man with an unknown substance oozing out of his mouth, shot from her POV. But that is merely the shape of things to come. After the movie was filmed, shots of penetration from hardcore porno films were added into the scenes of her forced prostitution. I found these clips to be almost clinical (gynecological?), and therefore, pretty revolting. It's a very quiet movie, much more visually stimulating that aurally. The lead character doesn't speak, there is little in the way of sound effects, and the little score that was used was extremely nerve wracking. The slow (and i mean S-L-O-W) motion action scenes were really nifty, they probably inspired Vincent Gallo and the Wachowski brothers (among countless others) to include such "bullet time" sequences in their movies.

The revenge that Frigga got at the end doesn't seem nearly equal to the amount of abuse she received during the film. I think that was intentional on Vibenius' part, as it was a pretty bleak movie all around. That said, I think color-coordinated eyepatches are probably the toughest fashion statement I've ever seen. Frigga is definitely an iconic female character for lovers of garbage cinema like myself.

Grade: B

2008-09-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

Shurayukihime (1973), Toshiya Fujita.
Lady Snowblood

One of Quentin Tarantino's favorite films, and obviously a huge inspiration for Kill Bill (go here for an in-depth comparison), Lady Snowblood is a surprisingly fast-paced story of vengeance (and ass-kicking). An innocent family walk in the woods takes a turn for the absolute worst when a case of mistaken identity leads four ruthless criminals to savagely murder a woman's husband and son, before she is repeatedly raped and set free. She manages to kill one of the four criminals, but is sentenced to life in prison before her job is done. While in prison, she gives birth to a girl, Yuki, who she hands over to her fellow inmates, telling them that she must grow up to avenge the brutal and senseless murders of her family members. Yuki grows up to be a highly skilled killer, bent on retribution.

The story is told in chapters, devoting one chapter each to the gang of four. While it is a very dialogue-heavy movie, there were definitely enough plot twists and action sequences to keep me intrigued throughout the entire movie. The music was fantastic, I can totally picture RZA jamming that shit, which probably explains why the opening song was used in Kill Bill. I love action movies where you can actually see the action (that seems hard to come by these days), and the setting of late 1800's Japan could not be more beautiful; so needless to say, I loved Fujita's delicate camerawork. But alas, the blood that seemed to geyser out of unlucky victims' severed limbs was probably my favorite part, I won't lie.

Grade: A+