Monday, December 22, 2008

Motel Hell (1980), Kevin Connor



I'm not sure that I know how to accurately describe just how creepy this movie is. And it's not the sets, it's not the script, and there isn't an overly exorbitant amount of gore. It's Rory Calhoun. That guy is creepy, man. He's like a weirdo pedo-uncle or something, I don't know.

Moving on, this is one of the better, more self-aware slashers of the 80s. It's clearly supposed to be funny, which is a lot more than can be said for most of its peers. Basically Farmer Vincent and his possibly incestually inclined sister Ida kidnap people who happen upon their beloved Motel Hello. (The "o" on their sign is burnt out... get it? Huh? GET IT?!?!?!) They bury them in the backyard for reasons unknown, then plow them up when they need a fresh crop of flesh for Farmer Vincent's Smoked Meat. Farmer Vincent takes a special liking to one of the kidnap-ees, which Ida is none too pleased about. Vincent and Ida have a hunky cop brother who is also in love with the beautiful captive. Oh what tangled webs!!

There isn't really much in the way of a plot here, although certainly attempts are made. It's entertaining, light-hearted fare that I would suggest watching with others for MST3K-style fun.

Grade: B
Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), Howard Deutch

Nerdy, artsy boy falls for popular girl who is actually poor, while not noticing that his hot but tomboyish best friend is in love with him. There are some rich asshole dudes and some skinheads. All that really matters about this movie is the kiss you see below, which is possibly my favorite movie kiss of all time.


This movie has been a favorite of mine since my preteen years. I will always be a sucker for movies where best friends fall in love. I used to watch it incessantly on TBS and even videotaped it at one point, making sure not to record any of the commercials. Oh, the 90s.

Some Kind of W
onderful was written by John Hughes, who also wrote the incredibly similar Pretty in Pink just one year prior. In my most humble of opinions, I think that Some Kind of Wonderful is actually the superior film. I believe it has the ending that Pretty in Pink absolutely should have had. (I mean seriously, who would ever pick Andrew McCarthy over Jon Cryer? Idiots!!!) I also think that Andie and her friends were a forced cool in PiP, whereas in SKoW the characters of Watts and Keith seem a bit more realistically cool. Like, I would hang out with them if they lived in Cleveland. But especially Watts, cause she seems like my kinda girl.

There are a few parts of this movie that make no sense to me, such as: at what point does Keith fall in love with Watts? When Amanda tells him to? Why does Watts accept the earrings? Isn't that kind of against her character? And why in god's name did Keith even waste his college money to buy them in the first place? Serious creepazoid!! (And wow, four years of college must've been cheap back in 1987...)

All peculiar behavior aside, this is a great fluff movie. There is just something about John Hughes movies that makes any plot hole, or horrible performance (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ANDREW McCARTHY...) , or poor fashion choice overlook-able. These movies are intended to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, like you can get the girl even if you're a nerd, the popular guy does notice you, and that asshole that torments you at school will get his ass kicked by a skinhead! If only we all could've gone to Shermer High.

Grade: A

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

À ma soeur! (2001), Catherine Breillat
Fat Girl


A young girl vacations with her slightly older, and much more conventionally attractive sister and their parents. The sisters decide they want to lose their respective virginities on this trip, and almost immediately, the older sister gets her first chance at it. What happens next is an excellent example of what can go wrong when you are a young girl with a taste for older men. The ending comes completely out of left field, and I refuse to elaborate, other than to say I cannot see this movie ending any other way.

Fat Girl is the first Breillat movie I have ever seen, and immediately after it was over, I found every movie of hers I possibly could and put them on my Netflix queue. Watching this film, I felt the same way I have many times when watching things like My So-Called Life, or Freaks and Geeks. It just so perfectly depicts how awful and heartbreaking it sometimes is to grow up. I almost felt like it was something that happened to me once, but I had blocked it from memory. Probably because similar things/feelings did happen to me, but I digress. Sure, a lot of the events in this film could be considered sensational, but it is ridiculous to think that things like these don't happen. Any sensationalism in this film works in its favor, as it tends to be more thought-provoking than exploitative.

I definitely recommend this to females with sisters close in age, in particular. I feel as though perhaps I am being a bit sexist in saying that, but Breillat has clearly skewed this film toward a female audience. It deals with a lot of sexual and gender issues, as well as the relationship between sisters going through their teenage years together. It also brings up something I have thought my whole life: smart, interesting, but average-looking women get shafted, while their more attractive, less substantial counterparts get the attention. C'est la vie.

Grade: A

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Van (1977), Sam Grossman


A goofy looking (apparently only to me, as everyone else in the film seemed to think he was really cool and sexy...), virginal ginger buys a tricked out van in order to pick up chicks. He ends up successfully boning chicks based solely on the fact that he has a sweet van. And he drag races other vans, which I didn't even know could happen. And that is literally all there is to it. In other words, this movie blew my mind. This is, by far, the most WTF? movie I have seen so far in life.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, that happens in this movie is coherent or logical in any way. It seems like they were just writing it as they went along, until they got to 75 minutes. Its intended audience was drunk high school kids at the drive in that probably wouldn't be paying attention to the movie, because they themselves were probably boning chicks in the backs of their vans. Do you think these kids were expecting Bergman? But I digress. I think Grossman actually succeeded in creating an unintentional surrealist film. The whole thing is like a dream. The dream of a 12 year old boy, I suspect.

Perhaps the fact that it is slathered in 70s era fads makes it super unreal to me. Since I had the misfortune (apparently) of not being born until the mid-80s, I will never understand 70s van culture. Or the CB craze. Or 18 year olds being able to drink in bars. Or tucking your sweet new van-themed t-shirt into your high-waisted bell-bottom jeans. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I liked this movie. I liked it a lot. It just confused the hell out of me. I think the 12 year old boy that wrote it was pretty confused too. I highly recommend this to lovers of 70s so-cheesy-it-might-as-well-be-Velveeta cinema. And please let me know if you do end up watching and/or enjoying this film, as it seems to be pretty obscure, despite its bargain bin cost and abundant availability.

Grade: lol wut?