Attack of the B's!

Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-22 (2005-2007), R. Kelly

I had pretty much forgotten that Trapped in the Closet even existed, until I found out that my roommate had a copy. We watched 1-12 and YouTubed the rest. I confess, in a 12 hour span, we watched the DVD twice, then once with commentary. If you haven't seen it with the commentary, I highly suggest that you do. It's really awkward. In lieu of a commentary track, it's just Kells in a huge leather chair, "watching" the movie. His seating position changes several times throughout the commentary, which is really confusing. He takes this commentary very seriously. He genuinely believes he is giving the viewer the inside scoop by pointing out the obvious. He also really thinks that events like the ones portrayed in the movie happen in real life. I'm pretty sure even the camera guy was laughing at that point.

So where do I begin? I'm not really sure how to describe the plot of this "Hip-Hopera," but here goes: take every negative stereotype of African-American people, every negative stereotype of white people, add those to a cast of characters that can't seem to stay faithful to each other, plus a whole lot of disregard for proper grammar and the concept of rhyming, and you just about have it. R. Kelly has managed to create the most self-indulgent, out of touch movie/music video I have ever seen. R. Kelly is the director, writer, and lead actor of this film (I am reminded a bit of Ed Wood and Vincent Gallo), so his licentious depiction of himself is all the more humorous. It seems as though everyone but him is in on the joke, which kind of makes me feel bad for him. That is, until he proves himself to be terribly sexist, racist, and homophobic. He also has a really weird hatred toward persons of restricted growth.

I have many questions and points to bring up, so bear with me here. First off, I'm curious as to why Kells is constantly just waiting to jump on any opportunity to wave around his beloved Beretta? I refuse to believe that anyone who is not a serial killer is so prone to shooting anyone, anywhere, anytime. And don't even get me started on Twon. That character is just embarrassing; the epitome of a negative stereotype. R. refers to Twon as a "hot head." I'd say it's just one more example of how far removed Kells is from societal norms.

I also refuse to believe that in a city the size of Chicago, these random people would just happen to all be sleeping with each others' partners. I was unaware that sleeping with a random person in your own house is a much, much lesser offense than boning a rando in their own home. Also, why was Kelly's wife so eager to help the wife of the policeman she'd been sleeping with for quite some time? Why does Kelly try to make himself look like a total badass in the final chapters by suggesting that he slept with the woman in the beginning on purpose, for money? Why would she pay for her husband to walk in on that? I mean, she seemed really happy with him, and she nearly threw down with his boyfriend in order to save their marriage. It doesn't go with the slightly logical (yet still very improbable) set of events that has been established already, and totally confuses even the most impassioned viewer.

I didn't know that being a gay church official was "shocking," especially in this day and age. (Mr. Kelly made it a point in the commentary to draw attention to the fact that he gave a gay character a "higher" voice in comparison to other male characters.) I like that the pastor was just gay for a hot minute, then went back to his wife. But the poor deacon, all he gets is HIV? Hmm. But... if you are a lesbian, it's totally cool. Because R. Kelly makes it a point to let the viewer know that "you're lucky [he's] into that shit." Just not gay guys. Because that would be gay, I guess.

I love that Kells is so concerned with being the main attraction in the film that instead of letting the other characters play out the midget thing for themselves, he feels it necessary to "pause the tape" and reveal the "so damn twisted" cliffhanger. He has never done this before in the narrative, so it just doesn't fit. I mean at this point, he might as well just roll up a $2o and snort the fucking scenery.

I find it interesting that he did everything he possibly could to make the character of "Big Man" by far the most lowly and disgusting character in the whole story. The first time we meet him, his mouth is smeared with cherry pie crumbs, he shits himself, faints, uses an inhaler, admits to being a male stripper, and is openly laughed at when he claims to be "blessed" in the crotchal region. And to top it all off? He knocks up another man's wife.

I suspect that previous to making the commentary track, someone informed him that the word "midget" is offensive and no longer socially acceptable, so he switched to saying "little person." But "little person" just doesn't rhyme with "Bridget," now does it? Not that the man who somehow rhymed the words "spatula" and "nuts" has much concern for that. Why didn't someone ever tell him that people don't generally verbally and physically abuse their wives in front of people? "No, stay here. I want you to watch this." WTF?!?!?

As for Bridget, does R. Kelly think that every white woman is a hugely overweight housewife, in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant with a heavy southern accent? I mean wow, just... wow. The only other white people in the whole movie are (of course) asshole policemen and a big fat Italian mafioso guy eating the largest plate of pasta I have ever seen. The fun never stops!

The only thing I can take from this is that R. Kelly has no contact with the outside world. He must live in some sort of bubble or something, and the only things he knows of the outside come from watching shit like Scarface and daytime soap operas. I just can't think of any other reason why this guy is so clueless? I mean, *SPOILER ALERT* EVERYONE (APPARENTLY) GETS THE HIV AT THE END OF CHAPTER 22! */SPOILER* Lol wut? Is he making some sort of long-winded after-school special? Is this his idea of social commentary? Deep breaths, everyone.

While I have so many issues with Trapped in the Closet, its B-movie quality sets/acting/writing/direction and hilariously super serious, non-ironic tone has sucked me in. I can't wait for the next 22 chapters! This is one of the most unique things to come out of popular music in a long time. A cultural phenomenon, even. I know he's been tied up in court this year, and is obviously batshit crazy, but how long you gonna keep us waiting dude?

Grade: A+