Dear Reader,

I've been a horrible blogger. I have been watching so many amazing things during the past 5 months and totally selfishly not writing about them. Why? Because I'm lazy. Sorry.

The fact that most of my readers come here to read about The Room is still abundantly clear. Since you all love The Room so much, read this. In addition to being one of the most amazing articles I've ever read, there is a bit of Wiseau info in there that literally made me scream when I read it. So stoked.

There are going to be some changes around here. My boyfriend is interested in giving this blog a serious makeover. I am considering branching out into writing about TV. And most importantly- I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO UPDATE! Please send your movie recommendations to tinydrinks@gmail.com. Thanks in advance.


Love,
Erin

The Limits of Control (2009) Jim Jarmusch
By: Joe Y.

I went into this film with high hopes, which in all honesty might of been the reason why I felt the way I did after the film's conclusion. Jim Jarmusch's new film Limits of Control is a story about a loner embarking on a journey across Spain, to complete an act unbeknownst to the viewers until the film's conclusion. The film's star Isaach De Bankolé (Night on Earth, Ghost Dog, Coffee and Cigarettes) delivered a remarkable performance on screen, despite the fact that his character only has a handful of lines. The majority of the dialogue is delivered by the film's supporting cast including Gael Garcia Bernal (Amores Perros, Y Tu Mambien, Babel), John Hurt, Tilda Swinton and Bill Murray among many others. Each character the Loner meets on his journey engages him with existentialist conversations regarding music, film, science, etc. While I think that the film is beautifully shot, and for the most part beautifully acted, I couldn't help but feel unsatisfied by the film. It seems like only a small segment of what could be a miraculous story. Maybe I missed the main point of the story on my first watching but I can tell you that I am not rushing to see it again. Possibly the most depressing aspect of the film was Bill Murray's role. Only appearing on the screen for less than five minutes, Murray manages to deliver, imho, one of his worst roles ever. Visually I believe this film is remarkable and I have no complaints, but content wise I feel the film is not a right fit for me. As a huge Jarmusch fan I have to say overall I am disappointed.

Grade: C

New Contributor Alert!

When I posted about The Room, I discovered (thanks to statcounter) that I actually have many RSS subscribers! Oh happy day! Thanks guys, I hope you stick around. (And don't forget to tell your friends!) I thought no one read this blog, but I've now realized that I need contributors. So I want to take this opportunity to welcome my first contributor, Joe!! He's a great guy and a huge film buff, so expect some variety and more frequent posting around here.


Observe and Report (2009), Jody Hill
By: Joe Y.

I am almost at a loss of words when it comes to this movie. I assumed going into it that is was going to be another writer/director trying to profit off the Apatow cast/trend and I wasn't completely off. Observe and Report is a story about a mentally unstable mall security guard, with dreams of grandeur, who invests himself in a case working against the police to find a local mall flasher.

I consider myself a fan of Seth Rogan, seeing as I have liked just about every film that he has starred/co-starred in, but I can't tell you what he was thinking when he took on this role (Or better yet what the producers and executive producers were thinking while funding it). The movie has a weak story structure and consists of crude humor and cheap laughs. That being said I did have my fair share of laughs while watching it. The funniest parts are few and far between though, leaving you waiting for the next big one. About halfway through the film it takes a turn from goofy summer comedy to an odd dark comedy. The whole mood of the film changes and it leaves you feeling mildly amused and disturbed at the same time. The film finally concludes with one of the most unbelievable and absurd endings but I would be a liar if I said I did not laugh. I would advise against spending any money seeing this film but it is worth a watch at least once.

I want to give this movie a D but I can't help but give it a C+.

The Room (2003), Tommy Wiseau



If you live anywhere other than LA, chances are you have never heard of The Room. In the past 5+ years, this film has taken on a life of its own. It's our generation's Rocky Horror Picture Show. Perhaps that is a bold statement, but it's certainly not an exaggeration. People show up at midnight screenings dressed as their favorite characters, throw things at the screen, yell out insults directed at the film, and act out their favorite scenes. This film has a pretty impressive list of celebrity fans: Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, basically the entire cast of The State, Tim Heidecker, Eric Wareheim, Kristen Bell, Edgar Wright, and David Cross, to name a few. It's about to blow up, thanks to Adult Swim. Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! had Tommy Wiseau direct and star in a recent episode, and they showed the film as an April Fool's joke all day last week, with the rampant nudity censored by large black boxes.

So where do I begin with this movie? It seems to be a vanity film gone very wrong. Or right, depending on how you look at it. A friend recently described it as "either the best or the worst movie ever." Tommy Wiseau serves as the director, writer, star, executive producer, and financier of The Room... does that tell you anything? Most of the cast doubled as crew, and it's rumored the cast/crew turned over about 3 times during shooting, probably due to everyone in the world being confused as hell by Tommy Wiseau as a person, not to mention as a boss. Somehow, Wiseau wrangled a mysterious (as in he won't divulge his sources) $6M to make this movie, yet it looks like it was made for about $6.

Though this movie was made in 2003, the costuming puts it at roughly 1998. The frumpy hair and dark, unkempt eyebrows of the "sexy" (read: kinda chubby, with weird boobs and ugly clothes) femme fatale character certainly don't help. The soundtrack is awful, generic R&B crap ("I will stand in the way of a bullet/I will run through a forest of flames," for example) that burns itself into your subconscious, preventing you from ever being able to get it out of your head. The acting is on par with your average Skinemax movie, with the exception of maybe "Chris-R," the crazy drug dealer guy. Yes, this movie "deals" with such serious topics as drugs, infidelity, terminal illness, and home decor (placing your TV behind a chair, or putting up countless framed photos of spoons).

There is no way Tommy Wiseau is 40 years old (I'm thinking 50+), or from New Orleans, as he likes to claim. I'm not even sure that he's of this planet. Wiseau has an odd presence, like the antithesis of charm, but it somehow works for him. "A half-drunk, Croatian cyborg," is probably the most accurate description I have come across. Based on watching The Room as many times as I have, there are a few things you can deduce about Tommy as a person:

• This man has never seen a nude woman. (He is clearly having sex with Lisa's mid-torso region throughout the film. This is not Videodrome. That is probably why she prefers his best friend, Mark.)
• This man hates women. (The casual misogyny of this film is acknowledged by LA fans screaming "BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN!" after practically every sentence.)
• This man has never had an alcoholic beverage in his life. (That is the only way "scotchka" and the awkward drunk scene can possibly be explained.)
• This man genuinely sees himself as a Christ-like figure. (Paying Denny, the possibly autistic man-boy's rent and tuition, bringing Lisa roses every day, the position in which he dies. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Oops.)
• This man is a genius. (He had the terrific idea to purchase billboard space advertising the film on an extremely busy LA freeway for 4 years, probably where most of that $6M went to. I would recommend watching interviews with him to see how he skillfully deflects any questioning of his motives in the making of his film. I almost thought about maybe believing that he so casually dropped the subject of Claudette's breast cancer on purpose.)

This is a movie that you simply cannot watch alone. It practically begs to be watched with lots of other people, preferably strangers. If you get really into it, here's a guide on how to view it interactively. Everything I want to say about this film has probably already been said, and said better, so I am going to direct you to a few articles that will convince you to see this film if I haven't already:

Entertainment Weekly- The article that introduced the rest of America to The Room!

NPR- Pictures AND video!

LAist- An interview with Wiseau himself!

So Much Fun It Hurts- Another blogger's obsession! (Bonus: The Room in NYC, complete with David Wain appearance!)

Cult Media Studies- A more academic review.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!- An episode directed and starring Tommy Wiseau!

If you'd like to submit your own The Room review, please do so at tinydrinks@gmail.com. I'll post it.

The Jerk, Too (1984), Michael Schultz



In a perfect world, Steve Martin would be my older, wiser, charming, intelligent, and HILARIOUS boyfriend. We would eat dinner at 4:00 with a senior discount. He could introduce me to Tina Fey, maybe even Bill Murray. So what if he's old enough to be my grandpa? Have you seen him lately? He's still a babe. It's no secret that I worship Mr. Martin, and that The Jerk is my all-time favorite comedy. So, a few weeks ago, I noticed that Cinemageddon had a featured torrent entitled "The Jerk, Too." Without even reading about it or thinking twice, I downloaded it. Bad choice, my friends. Very. Bad. Choice.

The Jerk, Too pretty much, for lack of a better term, donkey-punches its predecessor. Navin Johnson goes from being a sheltered, naive jerk in the original film, to being a mentally handicapped, possibly autistic man-boy in The Jerk, Too. Navin is played lethargically by Mark Blankfeld, whose IMDb reads like a "Worst Movies Ever" list. He does somewhat resemble Steve Martin from certain angles, if you glance at him via your periphery when you're drunk or hanging upside down from your ceiling. He pretty much phones this one in anyways, so I wouldn't recommend going to the trouble.

I understand that this was intended to be a "reworking" of the original, but it's not even in the same spirit. It seemed as though, judging by the cutesy theme song and opening credits, that this was intended to be some kind of pilot? Thank your lucky stars that it never got picked up. It was kinda like a comedy, but someone forgot to write jokes. This "movie" insulted my intelligence and sullied my already outrageously high opinion of Steve Martin, due to his credit as executive producer. One can only assume that my Stevey had some alimony payments to make or something. This was TORTURE to sit through. This abomination is the kind of thing that the devil has playing on a loop in hell. Maybe this should be my new tagline: "I sit through shitty movies, so you don't have to."

Grade: Z

Watchmen (2009), Zack Snyder

The most anticipated film adaptation of a comic of the past 25 years has finally arrived. The graphic novel, which just happens to be my favorite book of all time, has been deemed unfilmable even by Terry Gilliam's standards, not to mention caught up in litigation and Hollywood bullcrap pretty much since the book came out. Even this version of Watchmen was nearly doomed to never see the light of day at the last minute. Although this adaptation is sufficient, in my opinion, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like in the hands of Darren Aronofsky? If I were him, I'd have taken directing this over The Fountain any day. But I digress.

It's a good thing that this movie was not made before 2009, simply because the technology we have now makes it possible for Dr. Manhattan to look the way he should look, and for Archimedes to fly. And maybe because comics are now beginning to be seen as more than merely "kid's stuff."

The movie could not possibly have looked more like the book. Why use storyboards when the entire comic practically is a storyboard? You could pick out specific frames of the comic in some scenes, which is pretty much the most exciting thing ever for a nerd like myself. The costuming was pretty good. Rorschach's certainly stole the show, with his constantly morphing mask and an outfit to match his noirish demeanor. Too bad I hated his stupid Christian Bale voice. Dr. Manhattan was pretty much mind-blowing. He could not have looked more perfect. Jeffery Dean Morgan was shockingly good as The Comedian. Why do I only ever see him playing dead people? Malin Akerman was just awful- wooden, and most certainly nowhere near old enough. The music was a bit obvious, sure. But what do you want? Subtlety in a comic movie? Surely you jest. All things considered, I'd say Snyder did the best he could with a comic that NEVER should have been turned in to a movie. It was much more a superhero movie than the book was a superhero book. Snyder lost a lot of the Alan Moore's subtle social commentary in the translation from page to screen.

This is very much a fan's movie. That's not to say that the uninitiated won't enjoy it. In fact, my mom went with me to the midnight screening. She followed the story pretty well, and liked it enough to ask me if she could borrow the comic. But to get the full experience, it helps to be familiar with the book. I am super excited for the director's cut. I heard that it is possibly going to be released in theaters this summer? I can't really see non-fans lining up for that one, considering it will like be 4 hours long. This is not something that I'd want to see on a TV screen, so I'd like to see it a few more times before it goes out of theaters.

Meet Wally Sparks (1997), Peter Baldwin


Holy crap, this movie sucks. It actually kinda blows my mind how much it sucks. (Wait a minute- no, it doesn't.) I don't even really feel like going into the suckage specifics but I suppose you, the reader, have the right to know.

I'm very much a fan of Rodney Dangerfield but this movie was cheap (I'm talking both budget and jokes here), completely nonsensical (in a bad way), and was so boring that I ended up pausing it and researching other movies I could wash the taste out of my mouth with for about 20 minutes at one point. There is a ridiculous amount of cameos in this movie, from Michael Bolton to Tony Danza, none of which are interesting or funny enough to really perk up the movie though.

If anyone would like to take this piece of crap off my hands, I will mail it to you, free of charge. Contact me at tinydrinks@gmail.com if you're interested.

Il Portiere di notte (1974), Liliana Cavani
The Night Porter


Charlotte Rampling plays Lucia, a former concentration camp prisoner, who was "involved" with Nazi officer Max (Dirk Bogarde) during her imprisonment. Their involvement was more emotionally and mentally sado-masochistic than physically. The war ends, Lucia is released, and goes on to marry a famous orchestra conductor. Meanwhile, Max is waiting hand and foot on wealthy people as a fancy hotel's night porter. By some crazy coincidence, Lucia and her husband end up staying at Max's hotel. She and Max stalk and spy on each other, she tells the husband to leave without her, and Max and Lucia start where they left off. They probably would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for Max's meddling Nazi friends hoping to keep the dream alive. It's kind of a Romeo and Juliet story for people who really love being bored.

I watched this as part of my ongoing quest to see every movie in the Criterion Collection. It seems as though this is a well-liked and highly regarded film in the "controversial mainstream S&M-lite" genre. It is often compared to Last Tango in Paris. I'd have to agree in the sense that they were both shocking in the 1970s, but 30 years later, they're just dull and pretentious. The infamous "Concentration camp prisoner dresses as a topless Nazi and sings a song in German to entertain a roomful of Nazi officers" segment is usually hyped up as the pinnacle of the film. It sounds at least kind of interesting, right? Well, save yourself two hours, because it's not.

I can't even really see why this is in the Criterion Collection. I don't see how it is important enough to be preserved in such a manner. The cinematography was amateurish and the acting wasn't all that great. Just because a movie gets banned doesn't make it good.

Grade: C-

Man with the Golden Arm (1955), Otto Preminger

First off, let me just say that this film has one of the greatest posters, not to mention opening credits sequences, I have ever seen in my life. Man with the Golden Arm was directed by noir master Otto Preminger. It stars Ol' Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra, and Kim Novak plays his woman on the side. Watch closely for Darren McGavin of Billy Madison and A Christmas Story fame as one of the most evil drug dealers in film history. Yeah, you heard me. This is a drug movie. Starring Frank Sinatra. In 1955. Mind blown yet?

Sinatra plays Frankie Machine, an aspiring jazz drummer and full time card shark, fresh out of rehab for heroin addiction. Zosch, his high-strung, constantly nagging, wheelchair-bound wife is sort of the femme fatale of the film. No wonder he runs right into another less annoying, much more attractive, presumably younger woman's (Novak) arms. He may be able to escape his wife, but he can't seem to shake the bad influences in his life. Just when he thinks he is out, they pull him back in. Soon he is back dealing cards to in a shady poker game, with his former H dealer practically breathing down his neck. How's a guy supposed to practice the jazz drums and make it with his broad under that kinda pressure?

Extremely controversial at the time of it's release (delayed a year due to the MPAA being a bunch of tightasses), Sinatra is surprisingly convincing as a helpless junkie. Almost a little too convincing, if you ask me. Reportedly, he literally jumped at the chance to play Frankie Machine, ousting the studio's original choice of Marlon Brando. I bet if Brando was in this movie, it would be a bit less obscure.

The entire thing was obviously filmed on a soundstage. Some would consider this a drawback, but in my opinion, it just adds to the claustrophobic feeling of the film. It's one of the first movies of its kind, as most drug movies up to that point were of the "roadshow" variety: preachy, holier-than-thou, horribly written/acted/shot. This is more like a proto-Requiem For a Dream. Man With the Golden Arm is now in public domain, so it can be easily and cheaply obtained. I saw a copy at Big Lots, for Christ's sake. However, this also means that most copies are pretty poor quality. Like, sub-VHS quality. If you can overlook that, I think you'll be pretty pleased!

Grade: A

Southland Tales (2006), Richard Kelly

Southland Tales is Richard Kelly's trainwreck of a follow-up to 2001's Donnie Darko. After watching this, I can safely say that Donnie Darko was probably just a happy accident. There is no way- NO WAY- that Kelly made that movie on purpose. I personally am not really a fan of Donnie Darko, but I can certainly see why people are fans. It's weird, but not too weird. Indie, yet accessible. It makes you think, but not too much. And the performances are, admittedly, pretty damn good. But this is not a Donnie Darko review! Oh no. From here on out, it's all about Southland Tales.

It seems as though Southland Tales was intended to be a blockbuster, due to the heavy volume of famous actors involved, but ended up as something quite... different. I'm sure all of these people signed on because they loved Donnie Darko so much. I bet none of them actually read the script. Throughout the entire movie, I couldn't help but wonder what sort of direction Kelly had given the actors, and how they managed to get any takes in which the actors weren't laughing at the horrendous dialogue they had to deliver.

Everything about this movie is over the top. The plot of the movie is self-indulgent, half-baked, and hard to follow. The special effects must've been at least 80% of the budget. Kevin Smith is in this movie somewhere- can you find him? Oh, probably not, because he's covered in prosthetics and fake hair. I wonder if that's because he was embarrassed to be involved?

Go into this movie with an open mind. Southland Tales is a MUST SEE for anyone that likes a little epic fail in their movies. It wants to say so many things, but Kelly is not nearly proficient enough in his craft to be able to say them, especially not in a reasonable amount of time. I kind of feel that way about this review. There are so many things to say about this movie, but why say them? Just go along for the ride. It is definitely not unwatchable, despite what this review may have implied. The original cut was apparently four hours long, but thankfully Kelly paired it down to 2 1/2 for theater release. The lowest rated film at Cannes in 2006, this film is confusing, poorly written, yet unfortunately not Kelly's final film. From the looks of his IMDb, he's got two movies in the bag for '09. Lucky us!

Grade: A (for Effort)

Motel Hell (1980), Kevin Connor

I'm not sure that I know how to accurately describe just how creepy this movie is. And it's not the sets, it's not the script, and there isn't an overly exorbitant amount of gore. It's Rory Calhoun. That guy is creepy, man. He's like a weirdo pedo-uncle or something, I don't know.

Moving on, this is one of the better, more self-aware slashers of the 80s. It's clearly supposed to be funny, which is a lot more than can be said for most of its peers. Basically Farmer Vincent and his possibly incestually inclined sister Ida kidnap people who happen upon their beloved Motel Hello. (The "o" on their sign is burnt out... get it? Huh? GET IT?!?!?!) They bury them in the backyard for reasons unknown, then plow them up when they need a fresh crop of flesh for Farmer Vincent's Smoked Meat. Farmer Vincent takes a special liking to one of the kidnap-ees, which Ida is none too pleased about. Vincent and Ida have a hunky cop brother who is also in love with the beautiful captive. Oh what tangled webs!!

There isn't really much in the way of a plot here, although certainly attempts are made. It's entertaining, light-hearted fare that I would suggest watching with others for MST3K-style fun.

Grade: B

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), Howard Deutch

Nerdy, artsy boy falls for popular girl who is actually poor, while not noticing that his hot but tomboyish best friend is in love with him. There are some rich asshole dudes and some skinheads. All that really matters about this movie is the kiss you see below, which is possibly my favorite movie kiss of all time.

This movie has been a favorite of mine since my preteen years. I will always be a sucker for movies where best friends fall in love. I used to watch it incessantly on TBS and even videotaped it at one point, making sure not to record any of the commercials. Oh, the 90s.

Some Kind of Wonderful was written by John Hughes, who also wrote the incredibly similar Pretty in Pink just one year prior. In my most humble of opinions, I think that Some Kind of Wonderful is actually the superior film. I believe it has the ending that Pretty in Pink absolutely should have had. (I mean seriously, who would ever pick Andrew McCarthy over Jon Cryer? Idiots!!!) I also think that Andie and her friends were a forced cool in PiP, whereas in SKoW the characters of Watts and Keith seem a bit more realistically cool. Like, I would hang out with them if they lived in Cleveland. But especially Watts, cause she seems like my kinda girl.

There are a few parts of this movie that make no sense to me, such as: at what point does Keith fall in love with Watts? When Amanda tells him to? Why does Watts accept the earrings? Isn't that kind of against her character? And why in god's name did Keith even waste his college money to buy them in the first place? Serious creepazoid!! (And wow, four years of college must've been cheap back in 1987...)

All peculiar behavior aside, this is a great fluff movie. There is just something about John Hughes movies that makes any plot hole, or horrible performance (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ANDREW McCARTHY...) , or poor fashion choice overlook-able. These movies are intended to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, like you can get the girl even if you're a nerd, the popular guy does notice you, and that asshole that torments you at school will get his ass kicked by a skinhead! If only we all could've gone to Shermer High.

Grade: A

À ma soeur! (2001), Catherine Breillat
Fat Girl

A young girl vacations with her slightly older, and much more conventionally attractive sister and their parents. The sisters decide they want to lose their respective virginities on this trip, and almost immediately, the older sister gets her first chance at it. What happens next is an excellent example of what can go wrong when you are a young girl with a taste for older men. The ending comes completely out of left field, and I refuse to elaborate, other than to say I cannot see this movie ending any other way.

Fat Girl is the first Breillat movie I have ever seen, and immediately after it was over, I found every movie of hers I possibly could and put them on my Netflix queue. Watching this film, I felt the same way I have many times when watching things like My So-Called Life, or Freaks and Geeks. It just so perfectly depicts how awful and heartbreaking it sometimes is to grow up. I almost felt like it was something that happened to me once, but I had blocked it from memory. Probably because similar things/feelings did happen to me, but I digress. Sure, a lot of the events in this film could be considered sensational, but it is ridiculous to think that things like these don't happen. Any sensationalism in this film works in its favor, as it tends to be more thought-provoking than exploitative.

I definitely recommend this to females with sisters close in age, in particular. I feel as though perhaps I am being a bit sexist in saying that, but Breillat has clearly skewed this film toward a female audience. It deals with a lot of sexual and gender issues, as well as the relationship between sisters going through their teenage years together. It also brings up something I have thought my whole life: smart, interesting, but average-looking women get shafted, while their more attractive, less substantial counterparts get the attention. C'est la vie.

Grade: A

The Van (1977), Sam Grossman


A goofy looking (apparently only to me, as everyone else in the film seemed to think he was really cool and sexy...), virginal ginger buys a tricked out van in order to pick up chicks. He ends up successfully boning chicks based solely on the fact that he has a sweet van. And he drag races other vans, which I didn't even know could happen. And that is literally all there is to it. In other words, this movie blew my mind. This is, by far, the most WTF? movie I have seen so far in life.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, that happens in this movie is coherent or logical in any way. It seems like they were just writing it as they went along, until they got to 75 minutes. Its intended audience was drunk high school kids at the drive in that probably wouldn't be paying attention to the movie, because they themselves were probably boning chicks in the backs of their vans. Do you think these kids were expecting Bergman? But I digress. I think Grossman actually succeeded in creating an unintentional surrealist film. The whole thing is like a dream. The dream of a 12 year old boy, I suspect.

Perhaps the fact that it is slathered in 70s era fads makes it super unreal to me. Since I had the misfortune (apparently) of not being born until the mid-80s, I will never understand 70s van culture. Or the CB craze. Or 18 year olds being able to drink in bars. Or tucking your sweet new van-themed t-shirt into your high-waisted bell-bottom jeans. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I liked this movie. I liked it a lot. It just confused the hell out of me. I think the 12 year old boy that wrote it was pretty confused too. I highly recommend this to lovers of 70s so-cheesy-it-might-as-well-be-Velveeta cinema. And please let me know if you do end up watching and/or enjoying this film, as it seems to be pretty obscure, despite its bargain bin cost and abundant availability.

Grade: lol wut?

The Trip (1967), Roger Corman

If you felt that you had to have a dude spot you while you were tripping, wouldn't you want it to be Bruce Dern? That beard, that voice... soooo soooothing. There's NO WAY you could possibly have a bad trip, right? Not if you're Paul Groves (Peter Fonda), a stressed-to-the-max commercial director in the midst of a soul-crushing divorce.

Things start off well enough. Paul asks his acid guru pal John (Dern) if he can assist him in his quest for mind expansion, so John takes Paul over to Max's (played by Dennis Hopper!) fully stocked and tricked out hippie pad. Paul's trip begins as a mighty good one, until bad thoughts start creeping in. He begins to see death, torture, and various unsavory-looking people. He freaks out and runs around the streets of Los Angeles. Can John catch up to him before he, I don't know... jumps off a bridge?

Not much plot to speak of here, as 90% of the movie consists of Paul's hallucinations. I couldn't decide if it was supposed to be for or against acid, so it's definitely not calling morals into play, as most drug movies do. It was written by Jack Nicholson(!), and he, Roger Corman, Peter Fonda, and Dennis Hopper participated in a group trip before production started. They really don't make movies like this anymore.

Grade: B+

i ♥ huckabees (2004), David O. Russell

A young man suffers an existential crisis, and turns to a husband and wife duo of "existential detectives" for help. The plot gets pretty convoluted from there, so I will spare you from what would probably be a very inept plot summary on my part. In fact, I'm just going to assume I'm the last person on Earth to see this.

I thought I would hate this movie. And I did, until about halfway through. The scene at the doorman's dinner table is what got me. I'm not sure what it was, but from then on, I really enjoyed it! I don't know what my beef was, I love basically all of the main actors. Even Mark Wahlberg was brilliant! Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed that it took me so long to see this movie. It looks like a very accessible mainstream comedy, but it's definitely written for the thinking person. Oh, and apparently Shania Twain hates chicken salad.

Grade: A

Hell House (2001), George Ratliff

I'm sure you've all heard of a Hell House. "Haunted Houses" set up by Christian fanatics to show us heathens what will happen to us if we continue down our respective paths of sin. The Trinity Church's concept has spawned thousands of Hell Houses across the nation.

I can't speak for every Hell House, but this one was particularly wrought with contradiction. First of all, the idea of doing such a thing for profit in the first place seems very Un-Christian. It was made up of several rooms, each depicting a behavior that could potentially send you straight to Hell. That is, unless you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. But I'll get to that later. The situations depicted in the Hell House were perfect examples of Christians' two biggest fears: female sexuality, and homosexuality. The teenage, unmarried girl who has sex, gets pregnant, and gets an abortion nearly gets sent to Hell. But what of the boy who got her pregnant? The blasphemous homosexual male contracts AIDS, refuses Christ, and gets sent directly to Hell.

Some of the scenes are just so mind blowingly inaccurate and out of touch, you can't help but giggle. Like the rave scene, created by people who have obviously never been to a rave. Or the occult scene, in which they accidentally(?) made a "pentagram" which was actually a Star of David. Women also don't usually bleed out and die from abortions. And blaming a girl for her childhood molestation at the hands of a relative? Yikes...

At the end of Hell House, you must make a decision. If you exit through one door, there are loads of people in there, ready and willing to "save" you. It's a full contact thing, complete with speaking in tongues. If you exit through the other door... well, sorry dudes, but you're going to Hell.

This film was fascinating. One scene in particular, where a group of teenage hellions approach Trinity's pastor (and he actually takes the time to answer all their questions), sticks in my mind. Both parties are shockingly respectful towards one another, and the outcome is actually pretty positive. Although, I admit, it is just a little bit tough to take a bunch of kids in Slipknot gear seriously. I definitely recommend it to any other atheists out there, but I think Christians will find it interesting too. If ever there was a question in your mind why people are turned off by Christianity, Hell House has more than enough answers for you.

Grade: A

Short Take:

Imprint (2006), Takashi Miike


The only unaired episode of Showtime's Masters of Horror anthology series. It was banned from airing due to its "disturbing" nature, however, it was included in the DVD release. I suppose that yes, this little made-for-TV movie would have been disturbing to most "normal" people. To me it was a disappointment, as it seemed as though Miike was just recycling old concepts from his earlier films. I do love a good horror anthology show, though. I have many fond memories of pretending to be asleep while my grams was watching (for example) Tales From the Crypt, or The Hitchhiker. Given this weakness, I found it hard to truly dislike Imprint.

Grade: B

M (1931), Fritz Lang

A serial killer targets young children, much to the dismay of both the cops who can't seem to catch him, as well as the man's fellow criminals. You see, any criminal that is this hard to catch causes problems for ALL criminals. The police subject the townspeople to thorough ID checks and regular raids, which is bad news for non-law abiding citizens. In other words: he's hurting their business. So while the cops futilely search for the killer, the town's other criminals go on a search of their own, proving to be more successful due to their underground network.

Peter Lorre is genuinely terrifying in this film. His facial expressions are that of a truly insane person. Every time he ominously whistles "In the Hall of the Mountain King," you know something unsavory as all hell is about to go down. The ending is mind-blowingly good. Lorre gives a very brilliant, albeit haunting monologue that will stick with you forever.

This was Lang's first "talkie." There are long periods without sound, and the technique proves to be quite effective in building tension. The acting and direction were, of course, superb. This is widely regarded as one of the greatest achievements in the German Expressionist genre, as well as in film history. Highly influential, M's shadowy cinematography, dark subject matter, voiceovers, and use of antiheroes had a large hand in creating the film noir genre.

Grade: A+

Mil gritos tiene la noche (1982), Juan Piquer Simón
PIECES


Although Pieces is a Spanish movie, it comes off like the giallo Fulci never directed. Okay, actually, I take that back. Pieces is a little too... stupid for Fulci. Maybe Bruno Mattei would be more appropriate? Anyhow, this movie is extremely misogynistic, and most definitely politically incorrect. The genesis of the killer's rage was his mom finding all his porno mags/jigsaw puzzles (WTF? Yeah.) and trying to burn them when he was probably 7 or 8. In retaliation, he chops her head open with an axe and totally gets away with it! What a little asshole. Then about 40 years later, a serial killer begins targeting the beautiful buxom broads at a local college. He chops them into bits and keeps some chunks as souvenirs. Any idiot can figure out what he's up to. Especially since you are beaten over the head with jigsaw imagery. But seriously, who is the killer? The creepy, molester-looking gardener? The exaggeratedly gay professor? Kendall, the campus Rico Suave? I mean, I figured it out in the first 5 minutes- I feel like if you've seen one giallo, you've seen 'em all.

Some of my favorite parts- the undercover cop screaming "BASSSSSSSSTARD! BASTARDDDDDDDDDD! BAAAAAAAAAAASTARRRRRRRRD!" over and over again for like 5 minutes; the random Kung-fu attack and its explanation; pants pissing; the completely random and nonsensical ending. There are so many things that are just wrong with this movie. It's a real piece of shit. It's also gory and hilarious, although unintentionally so. It's like everything I could ever want in a movie. Thank Satan for Grindhouse Releasing, because they've re-released this formerly hard to find gem on DVD. If you can get ahold of a copy, please do so. It is so worth it.

Grade: A