Meet Wally Sparks (1997), Peter Baldwin


Holy crap, this movie sucks. It actually kinda blows my mind how much it sucks. (Wait a minute- no, it doesn't.) I don't even really feel like going into the suckage specifics but I suppose you, the reader, have the right to know.

I'm very much a fan of Rodney Dangerfield but this movie was cheap (I'm talking both budget and jokes here), completely nonsensical (in a bad way), and was so boring that I ended up pausing it and researching other movies I could wash the taste out of my mouth with for about 20 minutes at one point. There is a ridiculous amount of cameos in this movie, from Michael Bolton to Tony Danza, none of which are interesting or funny enough to really perk up the movie though.

If anyone would like to take this piece of crap off my hands, I will mail it to you, free of charge. Contact me at tinydrinks@gmail.com if you're interested.

The Van (1977), Sam Grossman


A goofy looking (apparently only to me, as everyone else in the film seemed to think he was really cool and sexy...), virginal ginger buys a tricked out van in order to pick up chicks. He ends up successfully boning chicks based solely on the fact that he has a sweet van. And he drag races other vans, which I didn't even know could happen. And that is literally all there is to it. In other words, this movie blew my mind. This is, by far, the most WTF? movie I have seen so far in life.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, that happens in this movie is coherent or logical in any way. It seems like they were just writing it as they went along, until they got to 75 minutes. Its intended audience was drunk high school kids at the drive in that probably wouldn't be paying attention to the movie, because they themselves were probably boning chicks in the backs of their vans. Do you think these kids were expecting Bergman? But I digress. I think Grossman actually succeeded in creating an unintentional surrealist film. The whole thing is like a dream. The dream of a 12 year old boy, I suspect.

Perhaps the fact that it is slathered in 70s era fads makes it super unreal to me. Since I had the misfortune (apparently) of not being born until the mid-80s, I will never understand 70s van culture. Or the CB craze. Or 18 year olds being able to drink in bars. Or tucking your sweet new van-themed t-shirt into your high-waisted bell-bottom jeans. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I liked this movie. I liked it a lot. It just confused the hell out of me. I think the 12 year old boy that wrote it was pretty confused too. I highly recommend this to lovers of 70s so-cheesy-it-might-as-well-be-Velveeta cinema. And please let me know if you do end up watching and/or enjoying this film, as it seems to be pretty obscure, despite its bargain bin cost and abundant availability.

Grade: lol wut?

i ♥ huckabees (2004), David O. Russell

A young man suffers an existential crisis, and turns to a husband and wife duo of "existential detectives" for help. The plot gets pretty convoluted from there, so I will spare you from what would probably be a very inept plot summary on my part. In fact, I'm just going to assume I'm the last person on Earth to see this.

I thought I would hate this movie. And I did, until about halfway through. The scene at the doorman's dinner table is what got me. I'm not sure what it was, but from then on, I really enjoyed it! I don't know what my beef was, I love basically all of the main actors. Even Mark Wahlberg was brilliant! Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed that it took me so long to see this movie. It looks like a very accessible mainstream comedy, but it's definitely written for the thinking person. Oh, and apparently Shania Twain hates chicken salad.

Grade: A

Chatterbox (1977), Tom DeSimone


A sexy lady's vagina inexplicably begins to talk at the most inopportune times. Have I got you hooked yet? Penny's vagina, adorably nicknamed "Virginia," begins to take on a personality and voice of her own, somewhere between Mae West and Don Rickles. After Virginia causes Penny to lose her man (Ted, who was kind of an egomaniac, not to mention unattractive) and her job as a hairstylist, she seeks help from her psychiatrist, Dr. Pearl. Unfortunately, Dr. Pearl is an opportunist, and sees Virginia as he and Penny's chance to become rich and famous. Penny is completely mortified by her newfound talent, but I suppose if you can't change something, you've got to embrace it.

I felt very uncomfortable during the scenes in which Virginia was performing, particularly the first one, where Penny was stark nude onstage in front of hundreds of men essentially raping her with their eyes. This is a sexploitation film of the most devious sort. You go to see a movie about a talking vagina, expecting to see said vagina, and all you get are boobs. Although Penny is always somewhere between rarely and barely clothed, Virginia is always covered in what I would call a "vagina tube top," or "lady's codpiece." I bet Chatterbox made a lot of money a few bucks from this underhanded technique.

I also liked the mentions of Virginia putting Gloria Steinem to shame, and Betty Friedan challenging Virginia to a debate. As if this were, in some way, even a remotely feminist film. But don't get me wrong- this movie is not malicious in any way. By even conjuring up those names, it assures me that I was correct in concluding that the filmmakers were in on the joke just as much as the viewer. While it is incredibly amateur in skill (e.g. most visible boom mic ever about 6 minutes in), that gives it a sense of innocence that you won't find in most sexploitation films. If you are looking for a fun, fluff-filled way to pass 70 minutes, I would suggest it. Add it to my list of ultra-polarizing date movies.

Grade: A-

P.S. My mom is cooler than your mom, because she recommended this to me!

Teen Wolf Too (1987), Christopher Leitch

The widely panned sequel to the ever popular Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf Too stars Jason Bateman as Todd Howard, the cousin of Scott Howard, the original "Teen Wolf." Todd is kind of a late bloomer, in the sense that he is 18 and has not yet discovered his wolf-man powers. Although never having actually played a sport, he inexplicably recieves a sports scholarship to a local college. Turns out the athletic director from Scott's high school has gotten a new job, as the A.D. of said college. He thinks that Todd will someday hulk out and turn into a Teen Wolf himself, which is why he has chosen him to be on the school's boxing team. Other than that, the plot is nearly identical to the first Teen Wolf, so I trust you have all seen it, and can figure it out from there.

I unapologetically love this movie. I'm sorry, but I almost like it more than the first Teen Wolf. No, I am not kidding. Maybe it's just because I love Jason Bateman so much. But honestly, I believe this movie contains one of the greatest moments in cinematic history: Teen Wolf #2 at a party, singing "Do You Love Me?" (and I'm pretty certain it really is Jason Bateman singing) with choreographed background dancers. I plan on making a video mixtape someday, and I'm pretty sure it will just be this movie, with some other stuff spliced in during the boring parts (which are few and far between, and mostly have to do with him trying to get with a hot nerdy chick and/or studying). That is how awesome this movie is. They are selling both the Teen Wolf movies on one disc at Target right now for $4.75. I implore you to go purchase it. You will not be sorry.

Grade: A

The Brothers Solomon (2008), Bob Odenkirk/ Baby Mama (2008), Michael McCullers




I decided to review these movies together, because they came out relatively around the same time, and their plots are quite reminiscent of each other. I think it's funny that Amy Poehler, star of Baby Mama, and Will Arnett, star of The Brothers Solomon are married, and were probably both working on these movies at the same time. Movies that are so similar. And both so bad.

Here goes: People need to have babies. Said people cannot have said babies themselves, so they seek out alternative options. They go through wacky situations only to find that surrogacy is their best option. They find surrogate. Surrogate is totally wacky and unpredictable!! They come to love surrogate. Something goes wrong with surrogate. Surrogate runs away. Surrogate must be found, as they are harboring a very expensive child. Surrogate is found, everyone finds out that you don't necessarily have to be related to be family. Now for cute baby time. The end!

If you think about it statistically, the vast majority of things that Bob Odenkirk, Will Arnett, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler are involved in are amazingly hilarious. So it would make sense that their films would be amazingly hilarious too, right? Yeah, not so much, apparently. I think Bob Odenkirk maybe needs to think about not doing movies anymore. And for the love of Rollins, do not let Will Forte write anything ever again in his life. He is a supremely unfunny person. And I cannot begin to express my level of disappointment in Fey and Poehler for taking part in something so... generic. They were both great, I just think maybe they needed money real bad or something.

Anyways, in conclusion, I guess what I am trying to say is that I would not recommend either one of these movies. That is not to say that they are bad movies. Just very average. I'm sure some of you will/do enjoy them, perhaps because your expectations were not as high as mine.

Grade: The Brothers Solomon: C-, Baby Mama: C+

Katakuri-ke no kôfuku (2001), Takeshi Miike
Happiness of the Katakuris

The Katakuri family opens up their new bed and breakfast in a secluded wooded/mountain area of Japan. Everyone seems fairly happy, and they figure at least they are all together. They finally receive their first guest one rainy night, a mysterious man with CGI snot running out of his nose. When the guest doesn't come down for breakfast in the morning, the family gets worried. When they discover the guest has killed himself- with his room key that he has turned into a shiv, no less- they decide that they must bury the body or their business will be buried. Their next guests arrive soon after- a sumo wrestler and his tiny, clearly not of age 'girlfriend.' A pattern begins to form, as the family fears the authorities may be onto them. Oh, and did I mention this is a musical? And has lots of claymation? Cheesy CGI? Zombies?

I would go as far as to say this genre-bending film, from the genius that is Takeshi Miike, is worth buying. Unfortunately, it is out of print for the moment. Luckily, I have a copy. [insert smug expression here] For anyone that doesn't, you'll be happy to know it's being re-released next month! Just in time for Christmas!!!

This is one of the best things I've ever seen. It was touching, sometimes gross, always funny, and pretty much just everything you could ever want in a movie. There is even a karaoke jam that is not to be missed. The musical numbers are hysterical, and it features the greatest dancing zombies since Thriller! The editing is crazy awesome, each scene fluidly transitions into the next like a dream. I don't say this about movies very often, but Happiness of the Katakuris is FUCKING EPIC. I implore you to watch this movie as soon as you can. Your life will be so much better after doing so, just trust me.

Grade: A++

Stay Tuned (1992), Peter Hyams

The devil has decided to upgrade. The most evil and irresistible invention of them all- television + free satellite TV(!!) is now his manner of collecting wayward souls. He just knows that humans cannot resist the temptation of the big ugly dish. Roy Knable is the couch potato to end all couch potatoes. He only leaves the TV to go to work, and pretty much ignores his wife and kids. Life gets a bit complicated when Roy and his wife, Helen, get sucked into the dish one day! Now it's up to the kids to save them. That is, if they can find the right channel.

Oh how I miss the old days of cable. I remember my dad and uncle both having those big ugly dishes in their backyards, which ironically enough is how I was able to see Stay Tuned! This movie is seriously awesome. It's one of those quintessential comedies from my childhood- funny for kids, but even funnier for parents, something that will be remembered fondly and enjoyed even into adulthood. The parodies of television shows were pretty awesome, and Jeffery Jones plays the most perfect evil right hand man Lucifer could ever ask for.

Grade: A+

Bottle Rocket (1996), Wes Anderson

Three doofuses, with nothing better to do, plan out overly elaborate ways to pull off small time robberies. Along the way, the most attractive of the three gets to bone a hot Latina. Sweet.

I really hate Wes Anderson. (With one exception- I really like Rushmore.) I guess this movie wasn't that bad. Although I don't really see what all the hype is about. I guess it was cute, or whatever. And I did laugh sometimes. Luke Wilson is kind of a babe, but his hair was too 90s in this movie. Am I missing something? Why am I the only person I know that is not into Wes Anderson? In a battle of "Directors With The Surname of Anderson," Paul Thomas would totally kick the shit out of this dork. I mean, his dad is motherfucking Ghoulardi! Stay sick, knifs.

Best Line: "On the run from Johnny Law. Ain't no trip to Cleveland." -Dignan

Grade: B-

Harold and Maude (1971), Hal Ashby

Harold is a self-absorbed, death-obsessed, extremely wealthy young man. With no friends or ladyfriends to speak of, he spends his free time driving around in an old hearse to various funerals, and faking suicides in front of his cold-as-ice mother. He begins to notice another funeral crasher, Maude, and the two gradually develop a pretty adorable partnership in crime.

This is one of the only "romantic comedies" I have ever enjoyed in my life. It's clever, hilarious, and timeless. It would be a good date movie, assuming you are dating someone really cool with a good sense of humor. In other words, I would use this as my own personal litmus test.

Grade: A+