Chatterbox (1977), Tom DeSimone


A sexy lady's vagina inexplicably begins to talk at the most inopportune times. Have I got you hooked yet? Penny's vagina, adorably nicknamed "Virginia," begins to take on a personality and voice of her own, somewhere between Mae West and Don Rickles. After Virginia causes Penny to lose her man (Ted, who was kind of an egomaniac, not to mention unattractive) and her job as a hairstylist, she seeks help from her psychiatrist, Dr. Pearl. Unfortunately, Dr. Pearl is an opportunist, and sees Virginia as he and Penny's chance to become rich and famous. Penny is completely mortified by her newfound talent, but I suppose if you can't change something, you've got to embrace it.

I felt very uncomfortable during the scenes in which Virginia was performing, particularly the first one, where Penny was stark nude onstage in front of hundreds of men essentially raping her with their eyes. This is a sexploitation film of the most devious sort. You go to see a movie about a talking vagina, expecting to see said vagina, and all you get are boobs. Although Penny is always somewhere between rarely and barely clothed, Virginia is always covered in what I would call a "vagina tube top," or "lady's codpiece." I bet Chatterbox made a lot of money a few bucks from this underhanded technique.

I also liked the mentions of Virginia putting Gloria Steinem to shame, and Betty Friedan challenging Virginia to a debate. As if this were, in some way, even a remotely feminist film. But don't get me wrong- this movie is not malicious in any way. By even conjuring up those names, it assures me that I was correct in concluding that the filmmakers were in on the joke just as much as the viewer. While it is incredibly amateur in skill (e.g. most visible boom mic ever about 6 minutes in), that gives it a sense of innocence that you won't find in most sexploitation films. If you are looking for a fun, fluff-filled way to pass 70 minutes, I would suggest it. Add it to my list of ultra-polarizing date movies.

Grade: A-

P.S. My mom is cooler than your mom, because she recommended this to me!

Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma (1975), Pier Paolo Pasolini
Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom


Easily one of the most infamously offensive movies of all time, Salo takes place during WWII, when Italy was under Nazi control. Four Italian officials round up the most attractive 15-17 year olds in town, then choose from them the 16 children who will accompany them to their castle for 120 days of complete and utter debauchery. The story is told in a Dante's Inferno structure, divided into four parts:

"Antechamber of Hell"- The kids are rounded up and given the 'rules'.
"Circle of Obsessions"- Three dirty old prostitutes tell their most lascivious stories to get the officials riled up and kick the debasement into high gear.
"Circle of Shit"- Must I really explain this part? A lot of people eat a lot of dookie. There, I said it.
"Circle of Blood"- Rule breakers, which actually ends up being every single one of the kids, are punished in cruel and unusual ways. (By far the most disgusting part, I nearly lost it.)

I had the good fortune of obtaining the recent Criterion Collection release, but Salo was also released by Criterion once before, in 1998. It was quickly pulled from the shelves due to copyright issues. This lead to its status as possibly the most valuable DVD of all time, as some original copies were selling for upwards of $600. Why are people so desperate to watch this movie? Its cult status is mainly due to its completely nihilistic depictions of absolute power corrupting absolutely, giving way to the outer limits of a few sick bastards' minds. Nearly every scene in the film is abhorrent, even I with the iron stomach was sickened by the rampant pedophilia, coprophagia, and countless other paraphilias shown in the film.

Quite possibly the ultimate depiction of fascism, Salo is an ugly, disgusting piece of film. It is also arguably one of the most important films of all time. On one hand, how could this film possibly have been made? Who would participate in such a thing? But on the other hand, what if it was never made? What if we as viewers were never challenged with reality, only seeing the trite, rehashed bullshit fiction mainstream filmmakers have to offer? Rumors of a conspiracy leading to Pasolini's assassination because of Salo have circulated for decades. It's an unfortunate testament to just how powerful the medium of film can be.

Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS (1975), Don Edmonds


This movie is about... hey wait, what was this movie about again? I'm sorry, I was distracted by all the nude people and gore. Wait, was there a plot? Um... I'm not really sure. I think it was basically just an hour and a half excuse to see a lot of gratuitous sex and violence. And people in Nazi costumes. Ilsa is a commander of some sort? or maybe a doctor? who does experiments and/or bones basically all of the prisoners of a concentration camp during WWII. Dyanne Thorne was around 40 when this film was made, but gravity was clearly kind to her.

Uhhhh... I really don't know what to say. I certainly do not recommend this movie to anyone. At all. It was just really not that good. What bunch of sick fucks made this such a popular cult film over the years? Thanks for all the boobs, Don Edmonds. I'd like my 96 minutes back now, if you don't mind. What a stinker.

Grade: C (For lots of gore and copious nudity, the two cornerstones of any good film.)

Shivers (1975), David Cronenberg


A new man made breed of parasite, spread any number of ways, turns the inhabitants of an island into stark raving mad sex fiends! It doesn't matter if you're male, female, black, white, young, or old- these little guys are equal opportunity. This film predated the AIDS epidemic by several years, pretty powerful foreshadowing if you ask me.

At first, I thought the bugs looked like penises. But as the movie went on, I realized that they're more scatologic than phallic, so no symbolism there. (Or is there?) The scene with Barbara Steele in the bathtub really played on a common fear amongst females; something very unwanted, and very, very icky entering your most private of private places. Between this and the bathtub scene in Nightmare on Elm Street, I think it's pretty safe to say I am a "shower-only" kinda girl.

There were some really fucked up scenes that reminded me a lot of The Shining. You know, as we're being shown around the hotel, looking into all the rooms, seeing all the little slice of life things that make you glad the movie is not taking place in that room. The scene with the old man and his daughter, and the scene with the children on leashes, particularly. The latter of which brings up another thought. Do you think Cronenberg could get away with the scenes involving the sexualization of children in 2008? No way. I see why they were included- because otherwise, the audience would be left asking how the parasite affected the children of the island. I am interested to see if the remake touches on this at all.

But I digress. If you can see through the seemingly ad-libbed dialogue and wooden acting, there is a message there. My first reaction after the movie was: "So... what's the downside? I mean, you don't die. You just have a lot of sex." I was just kidding, of course. You can come up with any number of conclusions, I personally think it was about living in excess and becoming a slave to your vices. Zombie movies are always so moralist!

Best Line: "Roger, I had a very disturbing dream last night. In this dream I found myself making love to a strange man. Only I'm having trouble you see, because he's old... and dying... and he smells bad, and I find him repulsive. But then he tells me that everything is erotic, that everything is sexual. You know what I mean? He tells me that even old flesh is erotic flesh. That disease is the love of two alien kinds of creatures for each other. That even dying is an act of eroticism. That talking is sexual. That breathing is sexual. That even to physically exist is sexual. And I believe him, and we make love beautifully. " -Nurse Forsythe

Grade: A-

Thriller - en grym film (1974), Bo Arne Vibenus.
Thriller: A Cruel Picture

Another Tarantino favorite, this one inspired the "visually impaired" character of Elle Driver in Kill Bill. (I also suspect this movie inspired Abel Ferrara in making Ms. 45, but that is another post for another day.)

Christina Lindberg, of 70's sexploitation fame, plays Frigga, a young woman rendered mute after a sexual assault when she was a child. She grows up into a beautiful, although naive woman, due to her parents' isolation since the "incident." Narrowly missing the bus to a doctor's appointment one day, she meets a rich and exciting man, who seems like a perfect excuse to run away from her boring/lonely life. Little does she know, her Prince Charming is scheming to turn her into a heroin-addicted, one-eyed prostitute! No longer one to take things lying down (har har), when Frigga is not being violated ten ways to Sunday, she begins learning how to be a total badass in every way! Another great female revenge movie, brought to you by 1970's grindhouse culture.

The opening scene is incredibly disturbing, with the rape of Frigga by an utterly disgusting looking old man with an unknown substance oozing out of his mouth, shot from her POV. But that is merely the shape of things to come. After the movie was filmed, shots of penetration from hardcore porno films were added into the scenes of her forced prostitution. I found these clips to be almost clinical (gynecological?), and therefore, pretty revolting. It's a very quiet movie, much more visually stimulating that aurally. The lead character doesn't speak, there is little in the way of sound effects, and the little score that was used was extremely nerve wracking. The slow (and i mean S-L-O-W) motion action scenes were really nifty, they probably inspired Vincent Gallo and the Wachowski brothers (among countless others) to include such "bullet time" sequences in their movies.

The revenge that Frigga got at the end doesn't seem nearly equal to the amount of abuse she received during the film. I think that was intentional on Vibenius' part, as it was a pretty bleak movie all around. That said, I think color-coordinated eyepatches are probably the toughest fashion statement I've ever seen. Frigga is definitely an iconic female character for lovers of garbage cinema like myself.

Grade: B

Shurayukihime (1973), Toshiya Fujita.
Lady Snowblood


One of Quentin Tarantino's favorite films, and obviously a huge inspiration for Kill Bill (go here for an in-depth comparison), Lady Snowblood is a surprisingly fast-paced story of vengeance (and ass-kicking). An innocent family walk in the woods takes a turn for the absolute worst when a case of mistaken identity leads four ruthless criminals to savagely murder a woman's husband and son, before she is repeatedly raped and set free. She manages to kill one of the four criminals, but is sentenced to life in prison before her job is done. While in prison, she gives birth to a girl, Yuki, who she hands over to her fellow inmates, telling them that she must grow up to avenge the brutal and senseless murders of her family members. Yuki grows up to be a highly skilled killer, bent on retribution.

The story is told in chapters, devoting one chapter each to the gang of four. While it is a very dialogue-heavy movie, there were definitely enough plot twists and action sequences to keep me intrigued throughout the entire movie. The music was fantastic, I can totally picture RZA jamming that shit, which probably explains why the opening song was used in Kill Bill. I love action movies where you can actually see the action (that seems hard to come by these days), and the setting of late 1800's Japan could not be more beautiful; so needless to say, I loved Fujita's delicate camerawork. But alas, the blood that seemed to geyser out of unlucky victims' severed limbs was probably my favorite part, I won't lie.

Grade: A+