The Trip (1967), Roger Corman

If you felt that you had to have a dude spot you while you were tripping, wouldn't you want it to be Bruce Dern? That beard, that voice... soooo soooothing. There's NO WAY you could possibly have a bad trip, right? Not if you're Paul Groves (Peter Fonda), a stressed-to-the-max commercial director in the midst of a soul-crushing divorce.

Things start off well enough. Paul asks his acid guru pal John (Dern) if he can assist him in his quest for mind expansion, so John takes Paul over to Max's (played by Dennis Hopper!) fully stocked and tricked out hippie pad. Paul's trip begins as a mighty good one, until bad thoughts start creeping in. He begins to see death, torture, and various unsavory-looking people. He freaks out and runs around the streets of Los Angeles. Can John catch up to him before he, I don't know... jumps off a bridge?

Not much plot to speak of here, as 90% of the movie consists of Paul's hallucinations. I couldn't decide if it was supposed to be for or against acid, so it's definitely not calling morals into play, as most drug movies do. It was written by Jack Nicholson(!), and he, Roger Corman, Peter Fonda, and Dennis Hopper participated in a group trip before production started. They really don't make movies like this anymore.

Grade: B+

i ♥ huckabees (2004), David O. Russell

A young man suffers an existential crisis, and turns to a husband and wife duo of "existential detectives" for help. The plot gets pretty convoluted from there, so I will spare you from what would probably be a very inept plot summary on my part. In fact, I'm just going to assume I'm the last person on Earth to see this.

I thought I would hate this movie. And I did, until about halfway through. The scene at the doorman's dinner table is what got me. I'm not sure what it was, but from then on, I really enjoyed it! I don't know what my beef was, I love basically all of the main actors. Even Mark Wahlberg was brilliant! Frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed that it took me so long to see this movie. It looks like a very accessible mainstream comedy, but it's definitely written for the thinking person. Oh, and apparently Shania Twain hates chicken salad.

Grade: A

Hell House (2001), George Ratliff

I'm sure you've all heard of a Hell House. "Haunted Houses" set up by Christian fanatics to show us heathens what will happen to us if we continue down our respective paths of sin. The Trinity Church's concept has spawned thousands of Hell Houses across the nation.

I can't speak for every Hell House, but this one was particularly wrought with contradiction. First of all, the idea of doing such a thing for profit in the first place seems very Un-Christian. It was made up of several rooms, each depicting a behavior that could potentially send you straight to Hell. That is, unless you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. But I'll get to that later. The situations depicted in the Hell House were perfect examples of Christians' two biggest fears: female sexuality, and homosexuality. The teenage, unmarried girl who has sex, gets pregnant, and gets an abortion nearly gets sent to Hell. But what of the boy who got her pregnant? The blasphemous homosexual male contracts AIDS, refuses Christ, and gets sent directly to Hell.

Some of the scenes are just so mind blowingly inaccurate and out of touch, you can't help but giggle. Like the rave scene, created by people who have obviously never been to a rave. Or the occult scene, in which they accidentally(?) made a "pentagram" which was actually a Star of David. Women also don't usually bleed out and die from abortions. And blaming a girl for her childhood molestation at the hands of a relative? Yikes...

At the end of Hell House, you must make a decision. If you exit through one door, there are loads of people in there, ready and willing to "save" you. It's a full contact thing, complete with speaking in tongues. If you exit through the other door... well, sorry dudes, but you're going to Hell.

This film was fascinating. One scene in particular, where a group of teenage hellions approach Trinity's pastor (and he actually takes the time to answer all their questions), sticks in my mind. Both parties are shockingly respectful towards one another, and the outcome is actually pretty positive. Although, I admit, it is just a little bit tough to take a bunch of kids in Slipknot gear seriously. I definitely recommend it to any other atheists out there, but I think Christians will find it interesting too. If ever there was a question in your mind why people are turned off by Christianity, Hell House has more than enough answers for you.

Grade: A

Short Take:

Imprint (2006), Takashi Miike


The only unaired episode of Showtime's Masters of Horror anthology series. It was banned from airing due to its "disturbing" nature, however, it was included in the DVD release. I suppose that yes, this little made-for-TV movie would have been disturbing to most "normal" people. To me it was a disappointment, as it seemed as though Miike was just recycling old concepts from his earlier films. I do love a good horror anthology show, though. I have many fond memories of pretending to be asleep while my grams was watching (for example) Tales From the Crypt, or The Hitchhiker. Given this weakness, I found it hard to truly dislike Imprint.

Grade: B

M (1931), Fritz Lang

A serial killer targets young children, much to the dismay of both the cops who can't seem to catch him, as well as the man's fellow criminals. You see, any criminal that is this hard to catch causes problems for ALL criminals. The police subject the townspeople to thorough ID checks and regular raids, which is bad news for non-law abiding citizens. In other words: he's hurting their business. So while the cops futilely search for the killer, the town's other criminals go on a search of their own, proving to be more successful due to their underground network.

Peter Lorre is genuinely terrifying in this film. His facial expressions are that of a truly insane person. Every time he ominously whistles "In the Hall of the Mountain King," you know something unsavory as all hell is about to go down. The ending is mind-blowingly good. Lorre gives a very brilliant, albeit haunting monologue that will stick with you forever.

This was Lang's first "talkie." There are long periods without sound, and the technique proves to be quite effective in building tension. The acting and direction were, of course, superb. This is widely regarded as one of the greatest achievements in the German Expressionist genre, as well as in film history. Highly influential, M's shadowy cinematography, dark subject matter, voiceovers, and use of antiheroes had a large hand in creating the film noir genre.

Grade: A+

Mil gritos tiene la noche (1982), Juan Piquer Simón
PIECES


Although Pieces is a Spanish movie, it comes off like the giallo Fulci never directed. Okay, actually, I take that back. Pieces is a little too... stupid for Fulci. Maybe Bruno Mattei would be more appropriate? Anyhow, this movie is extremely misogynistic, and most definitely politically incorrect. The genesis of the killer's rage was his mom finding all his porno mags/jigsaw puzzles (WTF? Yeah.) and trying to burn them when he was probably 7 or 8. In retaliation, he chops her head open with an axe and totally gets away with it! What a little asshole. Then about 40 years later, a serial killer begins targeting the beautiful buxom broads at a local college. He chops them into bits and keeps some chunks as souvenirs. Any idiot can figure out what he's up to. Especially since you are beaten over the head with jigsaw imagery. But seriously, who is the killer? The creepy, molester-looking gardener? The exaggeratedly gay professor? Kendall, the campus Rico Suave? I mean, I figured it out in the first 5 minutes- I feel like if you've seen one giallo, you've seen 'em all.

Some of my favorite parts- the undercover cop screaming "BASSSSSSSSTARD! BASTARDDDDDDDDDD! BAAAAAAAAAAASTARRRRRRRRD!" over and over again for like 5 minutes; the random Kung-fu attack and its explanation; pants pissing; the completely random and nonsensical ending. There are so many things that are just wrong with this movie. It's a real piece of shit. It's also gory and hilarious, although unintentionally so. It's like everything I could ever want in a movie. Thank Satan for Grindhouse Releasing, because they've re-released this formerly hard to find gem on DVD. If you can get ahold of a copy, please do so. It is so worth it.

Grade: A

Chatterbox (1977), Tom DeSimone


A sexy lady's vagina inexplicably begins to talk at the most inopportune times. Have I got you hooked yet? Penny's vagina, adorably nicknamed "Virginia," begins to take on a personality and voice of her own, somewhere between Mae West and Don Rickles. After Virginia causes Penny to lose her man (Ted, who was kind of an egomaniac, not to mention unattractive) and her job as a hairstylist, she seeks help from her psychiatrist, Dr. Pearl. Unfortunately, Dr. Pearl is an opportunist, and sees Virginia as he and Penny's chance to become rich and famous. Penny is completely mortified by her newfound talent, but I suppose if you can't change something, you've got to embrace it.

I felt very uncomfortable during the scenes in which Virginia was performing, particularly the first one, where Penny was stark nude onstage in front of hundreds of men essentially raping her with their eyes. This is a sexploitation film of the most devious sort. You go to see a movie about a talking vagina, expecting to see said vagina, and all you get are boobs. Although Penny is always somewhere between rarely and barely clothed, Virginia is always covered in what I would call a "vagina tube top," or "lady's codpiece." I bet Chatterbox made a lot of money a few bucks from this underhanded technique.

I also liked the mentions of Virginia putting Gloria Steinem to shame, and Betty Friedan challenging Virginia to a debate. As if this were, in some way, even a remotely feminist film. But don't get me wrong- this movie is not malicious in any way. By even conjuring up those names, it assures me that I was correct in concluding that the filmmakers were in on the joke just as much as the viewer. While it is incredibly amateur in skill (e.g. most visible boom mic ever about 6 minutes in), that gives it a sense of innocence that you won't find in most sexploitation films. If you are looking for a fun, fluff-filled way to pass 70 minutes, I would suggest it. Add it to my list of ultra-polarizing date movies.

Grade: A-

P.S. My mom is cooler than your mom, because she recommended this to me!