Meet Wally Sparks (1997), Peter Baldwin


Holy crap, this movie sucks. It actually kinda blows my mind how much it sucks. (Wait a minute- no, it doesn't.) I don't even really feel like going into the suckage specifics but I suppose you, the reader, have the right to know.

I'm very much a fan of Rodney Dangerfield but this movie was cheap (I'm talking both budget and jokes here), completely nonsensical (in a bad way), and was so boring that I ended up pausing it and researching other movies I could wash the taste out of my mouth with for about 20 minutes at one point. There is a ridiculous amount of cameos in this movie, from Michael Bolton to Tony Danza, none of which are interesting or funny enough to really perk up the movie though.

If anyone would like to take this piece of crap off my hands, I will mail it to you, free of charge. Contact me at tinydrinks@gmail.com if you're interested.

Il Portiere di notte (1974), Liliana Cavani
The Night Porter


Charlotte Rampling plays Lucia, a former concentration camp prisoner, who was "involved" with Nazi officer Max (Dirk Bogarde) during her imprisonment. Their involvement was more emotionally and mentally sado-masochistic than physically. The war ends, Lucia is released, and goes on to marry a famous orchestra conductor. Meanwhile, Max is waiting hand and foot on wealthy people as a fancy hotel's night porter. By some crazy coincidence, Lucia and her husband end up staying at Max's hotel. She and Max stalk and spy on each other, she tells the husband to leave without her, and Max and Lucia start where they left off. They probably would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for Max's meddling Nazi friends hoping to keep the dream alive. It's kind of a Romeo and Juliet story for people who really love being bored.

I watched this as part of my ongoing quest to see every movie in the Criterion Collection. It seems as though this is a well-liked and highly regarded film in the "controversial mainstream S&M-lite" genre. It is often compared to Last Tango in Paris. I'd have to agree in the sense that they were both shocking in the 1970s, but 30 years later, they're just dull and pretentious. The infamous "Concentration camp prisoner dresses as a topless Nazi and sings a song in German to entertain a roomful of Nazi officers" segment is usually hyped up as the pinnacle of the film. It sounds at least kind of interesting, right? Well, save yourself two hours, because it's not.

I can't even really see why this is in the Criterion Collection. I don't see how it is important enough to be preserved in such a manner. The cinematography was amateurish and the acting wasn't all that great. Just because a movie gets banned doesn't make it good.

Grade: C-

Man with the Golden Arm (1955), Otto Preminger

First off, let me just say that this film has one of the greatest posters, not to mention opening credits sequences, I have ever seen in my life. Man with the Golden Arm was directed by noir master Otto Preminger. It stars Ol' Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra, and Kim Novak plays his woman on the side. Watch closely for Darren McGavin of Billy Madison and A Christmas Story fame as one of the most evil drug dealers in film history. Yeah, you heard me. This is a drug movie. Starring Frank Sinatra. In 1955. Mind blown yet?

Sinatra plays Frankie Machine, an aspiring jazz drummer and full time card shark, fresh out of rehab for heroin addiction. Zosch, his high-strung, constantly nagging, wheelchair-bound wife is sort of the femme fatale of the film. No wonder he runs right into another less annoying, much more attractive, presumably younger woman's (Novak) arms. He may be able to escape his wife, but he can't seem to shake the bad influences in his life. Just when he thinks he is out, they pull him back in. Soon he is back dealing cards to in a shady poker game, with his former H dealer practically breathing down his neck. How's a guy supposed to practice the jazz drums and make it with his broad under that kinda pressure?

Extremely controversial at the time of it's release (delayed a year due to the MPAA being a bunch of tightasses), Sinatra is surprisingly convincing as a helpless junkie. Almost a little too convincing, if you ask me. Reportedly, he literally jumped at the chance to play Frankie Machine, ousting the studio's original choice of Marlon Brando. I bet if Brando was in this movie, it would be a bit less obscure.

The entire thing was obviously filmed on a soundstage. Some would consider this a drawback, but in my opinion, it just adds to the claustrophobic feeling of the film. It's one of the first movies of its kind, as most drug movies up to that point were of the "roadshow" variety: preachy, holier-than-thou, horribly written/acted/shot. This is more like a proto-Requiem For a Dream. Man With the Golden Arm is now in public domain, so it can be easily and cheaply obtained. I saw a copy at Big Lots, for Christ's sake. However, this also means that most copies are pretty poor quality. Like, sub-VHS quality. If you can overlook that, I think you'll be pretty pleased!

Grade: A

Southland Tales (2006), Richard Kelly

Southland Tales is Richard Kelly's trainwreck of a follow-up to 2001's Donnie Darko. After watching this, I can safely say that Donnie Darko was probably just a happy accident. There is no way- NO WAY- that Kelly made that movie on purpose. I personally am not really a fan of Donnie Darko, but I can certainly see why people are fans. It's weird, but not too weird. Indie, yet accessible. It makes you think, but not too much. And the performances are, admittedly, pretty damn good. But this is not a Donnie Darko review! Oh no. From here on out, it's all about Southland Tales.

It seems as though Southland Tales was intended to be a blockbuster, due to the heavy volume of famous actors involved, but ended up as something quite... different. I'm sure all of these people signed on because they loved Donnie Darko so much. I bet none of them actually read the script. Throughout the entire movie, I couldn't help but wonder what sort of direction Kelly had given the actors, and how they managed to get any takes in which the actors weren't laughing at the horrendous dialogue they had to deliver.

Everything about this movie is over the top. The plot of the movie is self-indulgent, half-baked, and hard to follow. The special effects must've been at least 80% of the budget. Kevin Smith is in this movie somewhere- can you find him? Oh, probably not, because he's covered in prosthetics and fake hair. I wonder if that's because he was embarrassed to be involved?

Go into this movie with an open mind. Southland Tales is a MUST SEE for anyone that likes a little epic fail in their movies. It wants to say so many things, but Kelly is not nearly proficient enough in his craft to be able to say them, especially not in a reasonable amount of time. I kind of feel that way about this review. There are so many things to say about this movie, but why say them? Just go along for the ride. It is definitely not unwatchable, despite what this review may have implied. The original cut was apparently four hours long, but thankfully Kelly paired it down to 2 1/2 for theater release. The lowest rated film at Cannes in 2006, this film is confusing, poorly written, yet unfortunately not Kelly's final film. From the looks of his IMDb, he's got two movies in the bag for '09. Lucky us!

Grade: A (for Effort)

Motel Hell (1980), Kevin Connor

I'm not sure that I know how to accurately describe just how creepy this movie is. And it's not the sets, it's not the script, and there isn't an overly exorbitant amount of gore. It's Rory Calhoun. That guy is creepy, man. He's like a weirdo pedo-uncle or something, I don't know.

Moving on, this is one of the better, more self-aware slashers of the 80s. It's clearly supposed to be funny, which is a lot more than can be said for most of its peers. Basically Farmer Vincent and his possibly incestually inclined sister Ida kidnap people who happen upon their beloved Motel Hello. (The "o" on their sign is burnt out... get it? Huh? GET IT?!?!?!) They bury them in the backyard for reasons unknown, then plow them up when they need a fresh crop of flesh for Farmer Vincent's Smoked Meat. Farmer Vincent takes a special liking to one of the kidnap-ees, which Ida is none too pleased about. Vincent and Ida have a hunky cop brother who is also in love with the beautiful captive. Oh what tangled webs!!

There isn't really much in the way of a plot here, although certainly attempts are made. It's entertaining, light-hearted fare that I would suggest watching with others for MST3K-style fun.

Grade: B

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987), Howard Deutch

Nerdy, artsy boy falls for popular girl who is actually poor, while not noticing that his hot but tomboyish best friend is in love with him. There are some rich asshole dudes and some skinheads. All that really matters about this movie is the kiss you see below, which is possibly my favorite movie kiss of all time.

This movie has been a favorite of mine since my preteen years. I will always be a sucker for movies where best friends fall in love. I used to watch it incessantly on TBS and even videotaped it at one point, making sure not to record any of the commercials. Oh, the 90s.

Some Kind of Wonderful was written by John Hughes, who also wrote the incredibly similar Pretty in Pink just one year prior. In my most humble of opinions, I think that Some Kind of Wonderful is actually the superior film. I believe it has the ending that Pretty in Pink absolutely should have had. (I mean seriously, who would ever pick Andrew McCarthy over Jon Cryer? Idiots!!!) I also think that Andie and her friends were a forced cool in PiP, whereas in SKoW the characters of Watts and Keith seem a bit more realistically cool. Like, I would hang out with them if they lived in Cleveland. But especially Watts, cause she seems like my kinda girl.

There are a few parts of this movie that make no sense to me, such as: at what point does Keith fall in love with Watts? When Amanda tells him to? Why does Watts accept the earrings? Isn't that kind of against her character? And why in god's name did Keith even waste his college money to buy them in the first place? Serious creepazoid!! (And wow, four years of college must've been cheap back in 1987...)

All peculiar behavior aside, this is a great fluff movie. There is just something about John Hughes movies that makes any plot hole, or horrible performance (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ANDREW McCARTHY...) , or poor fashion choice overlook-able. These movies are intended to make you feel all warm and fuzzy, like you can get the girl even if you're a nerd, the popular guy does notice you, and that asshole that torments you at school will get his ass kicked by a skinhead! If only we all could've gone to Shermer High.

Grade: A

À ma soeur! (2001), Catherine Breillat
Fat Girl

A young girl vacations with her slightly older, and much more conventionally attractive sister and their parents. The sisters decide they want to lose their respective virginities on this trip, and almost immediately, the older sister gets her first chance at it. What happens next is an excellent example of what can go wrong when you are a young girl with a taste for older men. The ending comes completely out of left field, and I refuse to elaborate, other than to say I cannot see this movie ending any other way.

Fat Girl is the first Breillat movie I have ever seen, and immediately after it was over, I found every movie of hers I possibly could and put them on my Netflix queue. Watching this film, I felt the same way I have many times when watching things like My So-Called Life, or Freaks and Geeks. It just so perfectly depicts how awful and heartbreaking it sometimes is to grow up. I almost felt like it was something that happened to me once, but I had blocked it from memory. Probably because similar things/feelings did happen to me, but I digress. Sure, a lot of the events in this film could be considered sensational, but it is ridiculous to think that things like these don't happen. Any sensationalism in this film works in its favor, as it tends to be more thought-provoking than exploitative.

I definitely recommend this to females with sisters close in age, in particular. I feel as though perhaps I am being a bit sexist in saying that, but Breillat has clearly skewed this film toward a female audience. It deals with a lot of sexual and gender issues, as well as the relationship between sisters going through their teenage years together. It also brings up something I have thought my whole life: smart, interesting, but average-looking women get shafted, while their more attractive, less substantial counterparts get the attention. C'est la vie.

Grade: A