The Brood (1979), David Cronenberg


A shady psychologist, Dr. Hal Raglan (played by an especially creepy Oliver Reed), comes up with a new (and quite dangerous) form of therapy, which he calls "psychoplasmics"; a technique in which people's innermost feelings are manifested in a physical deformity. He works out of a very David Koresh-esque compound, called the Somafree Institute. Samantha Eggar and Art Hindle star as a married couple, Nola and Frank, having issues due to the wife's severe depression caused by childhood abuse at the hands of her mother. She goes off to Somafree in search of relief, but what she actually gets is much, much more terrifying than expected. Think Kramer vs. Kramer if a brood of little demon children were assisting Mrs. Kramer in the divorce proceedings.

This movie starts off really, really slowly. Do not get discouraged. Your patience will be rewarded in the end. The acting is actually pretty superb, which you don't often see in exploitation films. I wouldn't put it among my favorite Cronenberg films. But I think even his less than perfect films are still better than most movies out there. The man is a genius!

Grade: A-

Teen Wolf Too (1987), Christopher Leitch

The widely panned sequel to the ever popular Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf Too stars Jason Bateman as Todd Howard, the cousin of Scott Howard, the original "Teen Wolf." Todd is kind of a late bloomer, in the sense that he is 18 and has not yet discovered his wolf-man powers. Although never having actually played a sport, he inexplicably recieves a sports scholarship to a local college. Turns out the athletic director from Scott's high school has gotten a new job, as the A.D. of said college. He thinks that Todd will someday hulk out and turn into a Teen Wolf himself, which is why he has chosen him to be on the school's boxing team. Other than that, the plot is nearly identical to the first Teen Wolf, so I trust you have all seen it, and can figure it out from there.

I unapologetically love this movie. I'm sorry, but I almost like it more than the first Teen Wolf. No, I am not kidding. Maybe it's just because I love Jason Bateman so much. But honestly, I believe this movie contains one of the greatest moments in cinematic history: Teen Wolf #2 at a party, singing "Do You Love Me?" (and I'm pretty certain it really is Jason Bateman singing) with choreographed background dancers. I plan on making a video mixtape someday, and I'm pretty sure it will just be this movie, with some other stuff spliced in during the boring parts (which are few and far between, and mostly have to do with him trying to get with a hot nerdy chick and/or studying). That is how awesome this movie is. They are selling both the Teen Wolf movies on one disc at Target right now for $4.75. I implore you to go purchase it. You will not be sorry.

Grade: A

The Brothers Solomon (2008), Bob Odenkirk/ Baby Mama (2008), Michael McCullers




I decided to review these movies together, because they came out relatively around the same time, and their plots are quite reminiscent of each other. I think it's funny that Amy Poehler, star of Baby Mama, and Will Arnett, star of The Brothers Solomon are married, and were probably both working on these movies at the same time. Movies that are so similar. And both so bad.

Here goes: People need to have babies. Said people cannot have said babies themselves, so they seek out alternative options. They go through wacky situations only to find that surrogacy is their best option. They find surrogate. Surrogate is totally wacky and unpredictable!! They come to love surrogate. Something goes wrong with surrogate. Surrogate runs away. Surrogate must be found, as they are harboring a very expensive child. Surrogate is found, everyone finds out that you don't necessarily have to be related to be family. Now for cute baby time. The end!

If you think about it statistically, the vast majority of things that Bob Odenkirk, Will Arnett, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler are involved in are amazingly hilarious. So it would make sense that their films would be amazingly hilarious too, right? Yeah, not so much, apparently. I think Bob Odenkirk maybe needs to think about not doing movies anymore. And for the love of Rollins, do not let Will Forte write anything ever again in his life. He is a supremely unfunny person. And I cannot begin to express my level of disappointment in Fey and Poehler for taking part in something so... generic. They were both great, I just think maybe they needed money real bad or something.

Anyways, in conclusion, I guess what I am trying to say is that I would not recommend either one of these movies. That is not to say that they are bad movies. Just very average. I'm sure some of you will/do enjoy them, perhaps because your expectations were not as high as mine.

Grade: The Brothers Solomon: C-, Baby Mama: C+

Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-22 (2005-2007), R. Kelly

I had pretty much forgotten that Trapped in the Closet even existed, until I found out that my roommate had a copy. We watched 1-12 and YouTubed the rest. I confess, in a 12 hour span, we watched the DVD twice, then once with commentary. If you haven't seen it with the commentary, I highly suggest that you do. It's really awkward. In lieu of a commentary track, it's just Kells in a huge leather chair, "watching" the movie. His seating position changes several times throughout the commentary, which is really confusing. He takes this commentary very seriously. He genuinely believes he is giving the viewer the inside scoop by pointing out the obvious. He also really thinks that events like the ones portrayed in the movie happen in real life. I'm pretty sure even the camera guy was laughing at that point.

So where do I begin? I'm not really sure how to describe the plot of this "Hip-Hopera," but here goes: take every negative stereotype of African-American people, every negative stereotype of white people, add those to a cast of characters that can't seem to stay faithful to each other, plus a whole lot of disregard for proper grammar and the concept of rhyming, and you just about have it. R. Kelly has managed to create the most self-indulgent, out of touch movie/music video I have ever seen. R. Kelly is the director, writer, and lead actor of this film (I am reminded a bit of Ed Wood and Vincent Gallo), so his licentious depiction of himself is all the more humorous. It seems as though everyone but him is in on the joke, which kind of makes me feel bad for him. That is, until he proves himself to be terribly sexist, racist, and homophobic. He also has a really weird hatred toward persons of restricted growth.

I have many questions and points to bring up, so bear with me here. First off, I'm curious as to why Kells is constantly just waiting to jump on any opportunity to wave around his beloved Beretta? I refuse to believe that anyone who is not a serial killer is so prone to shooting anyone, anywhere, anytime. And don't even get me started on Twon. That character is just embarrassing; the epitome of a negative stereotype. R. refers to Twon as a "hot head." I'd say it's just one more example of how far removed Kells is from societal norms.

I also refuse to believe that in a city the size of Chicago, these random people would just happen to all be sleeping with each others' partners. I was unaware that sleeping with a random person in your own house is a much, much lesser offense than boning a rando in their own home. Also, why was Kelly's wife so eager to help the wife of the policeman she'd been sleeping with for quite some time? Why does Kelly try to make himself look like a total badass in the final chapters by suggesting that he slept with the woman in the beginning on purpose, for money? Why would she pay for her husband to walk in on that? I mean, she seemed really happy with him, and she nearly threw down with his boyfriend in order to save their marriage. It doesn't go with the slightly logical (yet still very improbable) set of events that has been established already, and totally confuses even the most impassioned viewer.

I didn't know that being a gay church official was "shocking," especially in this day and age. (Mr. Kelly made it a point in the commentary to draw attention to the fact that he gave a gay character a "higher" voice in comparison to other male characters.) I like that the pastor was just gay for a hot minute, then went back to his wife. But the poor deacon, all he gets is HIV? Hmm. But... if you are a lesbian, it's totally cool. Because R. Kelly makes it a point to let the viewer know that "you're lucky [he's] into that shit." Just not gay guys. Because that would be gay, I guess.

I love that Kells is so concerned with being the main attraction in the film that instead of letting the other characters play out the midget thing for themselves, he feels it necessary to "pause the tape" and reveal the "so damn twisted" cliffhanger. He has never done this before in the narrative, so it just doesn't fit. I mean at this point, he might as well just roll up a $2o and snort the fucking scenery.

I find it interesting that he did everything he possibly could to make the character of "Big Man" by far the most lowly and disgusting character in the whole story. The first time we meet him, his mouth is smeared with cherry pie crumbs, he shits himself, faints, uses an inhaler, admits to being a male stripper, and is openly laughed at when he claims to be "blessed" in the crotchal region. And to top it all off? He knocks up another man's wife.

I suspect that previous to making the commentary track, someone informed him that the word "midget" is offensive and no longer socially acceptable, so he switched to saying "little person." But "little person" just doesn't rhyme with "Bridget," now does it? Not that the man who somehow rhymed the words "spatula" and "nuts" has much concern for that. Why didn't someone ever tell him that people don't generally verbally and physically abuse their wives in front of people? "No, stay here. I want you to watch this." WTF?!?!?

As for Bridget, does R. Kelly think that every white woman is a hugely overweight housewife, in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant with a heavy southern accent? I mean wow, just... wow. The only other white people in the whole movie are (of course) asshole policemen and a big fat Italian mafioso guy eating the largest plate of pasta I have ever seen. The fun never stops!

The only thing I can take from this is that R. Kelly has no contact with the outside world. He must live in some sort of bubble or something, and the only things he knows of the outside come from watching shit like Scarface and daytime soap operas. I just can't think of any other reason why this guy is so clueless? I mean, *SPOILER ALERT* EVERYONE (APPARENTLY) GETS THE HIV AT THE END OF CHAPTER 22! */SPOILER* Lol wut? Is he making some sort of long-winded after-school special? Is this his idea of social commentary? Deep breaths, everyone.

While I have so many issues with Trapped in the Closet, its B-movie quality sets/acting/writing/direction and hilariously super serious, non-ironic tone has sucked me in. I can't wait for the next 22 chapters! This is one of the most unique things to come out of popular music in a long time. A cultural phenomenon, even. I know he's been tied up in court this year, and is obviously batshit crazy, but how long you gonna keep us waiting dude?

Grade: A+

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986), John McNaughton

Henry fits the generic description of a serial killer: male, drifter, bad childhood, around 30 years old, chooses victims at random. His roommate (and fellow loser) Otis was never really a killer; that is, until Henry showed him the ropes. They become partners in crime, and each act of buddy violence is more senseless than the last. Otis invites his younger sister Becky to live with them for awhile. An unlikely attraction between she and Henry develops, creating a rivalry between Henry and Otis. The tension builds to a simultaneously shocking yet not unexpected ending.

A film that actually benefits from its low budget, Henry is rated NC-17. Not for excessive nudity, or excessive gore, because neither of those would be true, but for the sheer terror this movie invokes with its sympathetic portrayal of a serial killer and his idiotic but sadistic friend. It is incredibly unsettling, but I don't think the NC-17 rating was deserved, even at the time. This was Michael Rooker's film debut, and I really don't think he could have asked for a better showcase for his talent. He's had a really impressive run playing creepy bad guys. Tom Towles' performance is also of note. I think he too has Henry to thank for his extensive career in horror films.

I salute you, John McNaughton. Thank you for making one of the greatest horror films of all time, for almost nothing. You are proof that it can be done.

Grade: A+

The Strangers (2008), Bryan Bertino

A young couple, staying in a rural vacation house, are interrupted in the heat of the moment by a creepy girl asking for someone who isn't there. As the night wears on, strange noises and missing objects give way to a full-on home invasion.

Initially, I thought that this was a remake of the 2006 French film, Ils. The two movies have extremely similar plots. After doing some research, I found that The Strangers was actually written two years before Ils was even made. This little tidbit is interesting (to me at least), because I constantly find myself saying that American horror of the past decade is complete shit, and French horror is where it's at. So now I have hope again, because I really liked this movie.

Unlike most recent American horror films, The Strangers relies more on building suspense and tension than merely giving you "torture porn." It goes for jumps and screams instead of groans and threats of vomiting. I sincerely hope this film will inspire more American horror directors to knock it off with the Saws and the Hostels and the shitty remakes. I love gore as much as the next guy, but it's becoming trite and ineffective in the hands of American directors.

On the other hand, there are a lot of cliches in the film. But that is one of the reasons why I liked it- I looked at it as kind of a throwback to horror films of the 70s. I know I can often be elitist when it comes to horror films, and I know it's totally out of character for me to have liked this, but I did. I suggest you see it for yourself and tell me what you think. Bonus for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia fans: You miiiiiight wanna check the cast list. Just sayin'.

Grade: B

C'est arrivé près de chez vous (1992), Rémy Belvaux
Man Bites Dog: It Happened in Your Neighborhood

Man Bites Dog continually appears on movie reviewers' most disturbing movie lists, and for good reason. We follow a (faux) documentary film crew as they gather footage on Ben, a charming serial killer who proves to be quite the Renaissance man. While he is sexist, racist, possibly homophobic, and an all-around asshole, he is also very knowledgeable about art, music, film, poetry, architecture... and various ways of killing and disposing of corpses.

It is not explained how the film crew stumbles upon Ben, or who the intended audience of this "documentary" is, but we follow the crew from Day 1. To amend my previous statement that Ben is a "serial killer," I'd like to add that he very rarely ever kills innocent people, it is almost always for money. I'm not really sure what you would call that. He seems very intelligent and well-read, one would think that Ben could get a "real job" with no problem, but he really seems to enjoy his chosen profession.

The crew quickly goes from being horrified of his capabilities to becoming more and more involved with his 'job'. At first it is mostly just disposing of bodies, but one fateful night when a crew member dares Ben to spend an evening in the suburbs, they end up participating in the suffocation of a young boy. Next thing you know, they are gang raping a woman and sleeping next to her innards after one too many Dead Baby Boys. (Sounds pretty good actually, a gin and tonic with an olive tied to a sugar cube dropped inside- hence the name "Dead Baby Boy." When the cube melts and floats to the top, you eat the olive. Yum!)

Things really start to go awry when the quarry into which they have thrown all the bodies dries up. In addition to that mess, it becomes pretty clear in the beginning of the film that someone other than the film crew has been following Ben's exploits. The movie grinds to a shocking and terrifying halt, as everything comes together.

I should probably mention that this is a black comedy. The juxtaposition of humor and violence makes you wonder if you should really be laughing. If you're laughing, you get it. If you're not, then you should probably stick to Sex and the City or whatever you were watching before. Filmed in black and white, with then unknowns acting as both cast and crew, I was reminded a bit of The Blair Witch Project, particularly at the end. It just seems so horrifyingly real. I wouldn't be surprised if, much like Blair Witch, some people believed that the movie was actual documentary footage when this was released.

Grade: A+

4 luni, 3 saptamâni si 2 zile (2007), Cristian Mungiu

4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days



Set in communist Romania in the late 80's, 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days is the story of two young college students, Gabita and Otilia, on a mission to obtain an abortion for Gabita. The problem is, abortion was illegal at that time, and the only way to get one was from a shady "doctor" in a shady hotel room. The illegality of the abortion also depends on how far along the pregnancy is. The title of the movie should tell you that this particular abortion is pretty fucking illegal, not to mention risky for Gabita. You would think that Gabita is the main character in the film, but Mungiu throws the viewer for a loop by making Otilia the protagonist. I seriously don't think anyone I know has a friend that is as loyal as Otilia. She really, really goes to the outer limits to help Gabita, who is nothing but a stupid, selfish girl. Otilia only gets a short "Thanks." in return for allowing herself to be sexually violated, ruining her relationship with her boyfriend, and breaking more than a few major laws... IN COMMUNIST ROMANIA.

"4,3,2" is very spare, and sparse. The colors are all a bit faded and gray. Everything seems oppressive, bleak, and hopeless. The characters wear plain clothes, no makeup. All we see is their performance, which only adds to the shocking realism. We are not given any information from before or after the events in the movie, the viewer is literally just thrown into 18 hours in the lives of these two girls and left to fend for themselves. Nearly every conversation in the film is tense and unsettling, but the questions we are left with after watching this film are more unsettling still. The most disturbing one being, what if Roe v. Wade were overturned? Back alley abortions, coat hangers, shady "doctors"... it could and would happen again. It's absolutely terrifying. In closing, you know how I know I've seen a really great movie? When it is 4 days later, and I still think I have never had as much contempt for a semi-fictional character than I have for Gabita.

Grade: A

Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma (1975), Pier Paolo Pasolini
Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom


Easily one of the most infamously offensive movies of all time, Salo takes place during WWII, when Italy was under Nazi control. Four Italian officials round up the most attractive 15-17 year olds in town, then choose from them the 16 children who will accompany them to their castle for 120 days of complete and utter debauchery. The story is told in a Dante's Inferno structure, divided into four parts:

"Antechamber of Hell"- The kids are rounded up and given the 'rules'.
"Circle of Obsessions"- Three dirty old prostitutes tell their most lascivious stories to get the officials riled up and kick the debasement into high gear.
"Circle of Shit"- Must I really explain this part? A lot of people eat a lot of dookie. There, I said it.
"Circle of Blood"- Rule breakers, which actually ends up being every single one of the kids, are punished in cruel and unusual ways. (By far the most disgusting part, I nearly lost it.)

I had the good fortune of obtaining the recent Criterion Collection release, but Salo was also released by Criterion once before, in 1998. It was quickly pulled from the shelves due to copyright issues. This lead to its status as possibly the most valuable DVD of all time, as some original copies were selling for upwards of $600. Why are people so desperate to watch this movie? Its cult status is mainly due to its completely nihilistic depictions of absolute power corrupting absolutely, giving way to the outer limits of a few sick bastards' minds. Nearly every scene in the film is abhorrent, even I with the iron stomach was sickened by the rampant pedophilia, coprophagia, and countless other paraphilias shown in the film.

Quite possibly the ultimate depiction of fascism, Salo is an ugly, disgusting piece of film. It is also arguably one of the most important films of all time. On one hand, how could this film possibly have been made? Who would participate in such a thing? But on the other hand, what if it was never made? What if we as viewers were never challenged with reality, only seeing the trite, rehashed bullshit fiction mainstream filmmakers have to offer? Rumors of a conspiracy leading to Pasolini's assassination because of Salo have circulated for decades. It's an unfortunate testament to just how powerful the medium of film can be.

Quella villa accanto al cimitero (1981), Lucio Fulci
House By the Cemetery

A family moves into a creepy house in Boston. Calling it creepy is not unwarranted, as there is a tomb located in the basement of the house. The tomb belongs to a Dr. Freudstein, the home's former resident and current creepazoid. The house comes with all the trappings you would find in any haunted house- creeky floors, creepy exterior, doors that inexplicably open or close, flesh eating bats- I think you get the picture.

Despite the "killer" opening, the plot moves along at a very tedious pace. The last 20 minutes or so are really good and quite intense, I will admit. The gore in this film is definitely excessive (in a good way), a fine example of what can come from Fulci's warped mind. The main problem is that the film asks SO MANY questions, and only answers one. It gives it the feeling of being unfinished/incomplete. The child's dubbed voice was so grating, it distracted from the movie. (A slap on the wrist to you, anonymous annoying voice person.) Actually, the whole family was pretty annoying. The end truly does justify the means in this film though, I definitely don't want to discourage anyone from seeing this. Just don't let this be your first Fulci film.

Grade: B-

Ôdishon (1999), Takashi Miike
Audition


A lonely middle-aged widower decides, after some encouragement from his son, that's it's time for him to remarry. The only problem is that his late wife was pretty amazing, so he's going to have a hard time replacing her. He wants to be able to put prospective women through some sort of test/observation so he can make sure he chooses the right one. He has a friend that just happens to be a film director. They devise a plan to create a fake movie, and thus, a fake audition. He receives pictures and resumes for each of the prospects ahead of time, and one in particular catches his eye. It ends up that she is actually the only "normal" candidate. They embark on a totally cutesy relationship, at least until he comes clean and tells her the truth about the audition. What happens next is a disturbing series of events I wouldn't dare reveal.



The majority of this film is reminiscent of a cheesy American romantic comedy. My personal opinion is that Miike is heavily influenced by American cinema in a lot of his work, and it definitely showed in Audition. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, if Meg Ryan *** Tom Hanks' **** off at the end. [Edited to add to the suspense.] There are also most definitely some Lynchian elements throughout. I was absolutely terrified by the finale, Eihi Shiina was the perfect psycho. Can't wait to see her in Tokyo Gore Police! This is one of the best, if not the best, horror movie of the past 10 years. I give it two stumps up.

Grade: A+

Bad Ronald (1974), Buzz Kulik


Ronald isn't really all that bad. He never killed anybody. Not on purpose, at least. And didn't they kinda have it coming to them anyway? When nerdy, so-awkward-it-hurts Ronald accidentally kills a young girl, he decides to bury her instead of telling the police. He runs home to tell his mother who decides that the best plan of attack is to build him a secret room within the walls of the house, where no one will ever find him. When things "cool down" after a few months, maybe he can come out. Ronald's mother didn't count on dying during a routine gall bladder removal, and of course no one knows where the heck Ronald is, so he is clueless too.

One day, a real estate agent and a family interested in the house (but curious as to why there is only one bathroom) take a tour of the house. The agent casually mentions that the previous owner died recently. Of course, Ronald overhears this tidbit. What's he going to do now? A new family is moving in, and he is stuck in his secret room. Being isolated has forced Ronald to develop his own fantasy world (Atranta) in which he is a prince, and the youngest daughter in the house is his imaginary princess. Ronald starts to get brave, peeping at the family through one of many peep holes he has created, stealing food from their refrigerator, even attempting to read the oldest sister's diary. One day, Ronald snaps. He sneaks out of his room when everyone has left the house but his potential princess. I wouldn't dare ruin the rest for you guys.

I really think I was born in the wrong generation. I would have loved it if ABC still had movies of the week like this. This was so fucking creepy, on so many levels. I am terrified of home invasion films, and this goes even beyond that. How do I know there isn't some creep living in the walls of my house, watching as I type this right now?!?! The end of the movie was fantastic! I was so nervous to see what that little creepo would do next. I can hardly believe this was made for TV!

Grade: A

Katakuri-ke no kôfuku (2001), Takeshi Miike
Happiness of the Katakuris

The Katakuri family opens up their new bed and breakfast in a secluded wooded/mountain area of Japan. Everyone seems fairly happy, and they figure at least they are all together. They finally receive their first guest one rainy night, a mysterious man with CGI snot running out of his nose. When the guest doesn't come down for breakfast in the morning, the family gets worried. When they discover the guest has killed himself- with his room key that he has turned into a shiv, no less- they decide that they must bury the body or their business will be buried. Their next guests arrive soon after- a sumo wrestler and his tiny, clearly not of age 'girlfriend.' A pattern begins to form, as the family fears the authorities may be onto them. Oh, and did I mention this is a musical? And has lots of claymation? Cheesy CGI? Zombies?

I would go as far as to say this genre-bending film, from the genius that is Takeshi Miike, is worth buying. Unfortunately, it is out of print for the moment. Luckily, I have a copy. [insert smug expression here] For anyone that doesn't, you'll be happy to know it's being re-released next month! Just in time for Christmas!!!

This is one of the best things I've ever seen. It was touching, sometimes gross, always funny, and pretty much just everything you could ever want in a movie. There is even a karaoke jam that is not to be missed. The musical numbers are hysterical, and it features the greatest dancing zombies since Thriller! The editing is crazy awesome, each scene fluidly transitions into the next like a dream. I don't say this about movies very often, but Happiness of the Katakuris is FUCKING EPIC. I implore you to watch this movie as soon as you can. Your life will be so much better after doing so, just trust me.

Grade: A++

Ms. 45 (1981), Abel Ferrara


Thana, a beautiful and mild-mannered young lady, is brutally raped twice in one day. But not even just twice in one day- twice in about 20 minutes by two different men (the first, a cameo from director Ferrara). Although the first one gets away, she kills her second attacker with an iron, chops him up and slowly disposes of the body. The situation is complicated by the fact that she is mute, and doesn't seem to have any friends or confidants. I would assume this is by choice, as the people that she does know seem to just patronize her. Probably amazed at the ease with which she was able to kill that man, she snaps and prowls the streets for any man who creeps on her. All things considered, she quickly begins to go insane, hunting and shooting down any man that crosses her path.

I love female revenge movies, and this is probably the best one I have ever seen. The film is very dark and gritty, infused with NYC life and locations- an excellent example of Ferrara's style. Zoe Lund's acting was incredible. She made the transition from nerdy seamstress to batshit insane serial killer without uttering even one word. (Well, okay, she did whisper one word.) The ending of the film was perfect, I felt as though there was a lot of symbolism in that last scene. I don't want to give it away, we can discuss in private if you'd like.

As for comparisons, a few films come to mind: mostly Madame O, but also Polanski's Repulsion, Vibenus' Thriller, and Scorsese's Taxi Driver. I think Taxi Driver is probably Ferrara's inspiration for a lot of his work. I remember watching The Driller Killer and being reminded many times of Travis Bickle. There is one scene in Ms. 45 where I was just waiting for her to say, "You talkin' to me?"

This movie is fantastic, but in order to get an uncut version you would have to track down a VHS copy, or download a VHS rip. I am curious as to why Synapse hasn't hopped on this yet?

Grade: A+

Basket Case (1982), Frank Henenlotter


Duane Bradley walks the streets of NYC, nervously clutching a wicker basket. What could possibly be in there? Clothes? Easter eggs? His former conjoined twin? If you guessed the latter, your cookie is in the mail. Duane and his hideously deformed brother, Belial, are pissed. They never wanted to be separated! So now they are on a mission to stalk and kill the three doctors responsible for the illegal, and very unsanitary, surgery. When Duane meets a beautiful receptionist, Belial becomes so enraged, he literally sees red. Who will win this battle of the Bradleys? It's hard to say, considering there is a Basket Case 2 and 3!

First things first- is everyone in this movie wearing a wig? They decided that rather than pay for a hair and makeup person, they would just slap a wig and some mauve lipstick on everyone (including maybe Kevin Van Hentenryck)???? I found it very distracting at times. I'm not gonna lie, I honestly do find Belial to be disturbing. There is something about his face and the awful noises he makes that make me just cringe. I know it's a cheap lump of silly putty, but it genuinely creeps me out! This movie is perfect for anyone who likes cheaply made, horribly acted films from the 80s. And if you like this, I would definitely suggest getting ahold of 2 and 3. Make a night of it!

Grade: A

Stay Tuned (1992), Peter Hyams

The devil has decided to upgrade. The most evil and irresistible invention of them all- television + free satellite TV(!!) is now his manner of collecting wayward souls. He just knows that humans cannot resist the temptation of the big ugly dish. Roy Knable is the couch potato to end all couch potatoes. He only leaves the TV to go to work, and pretty much ignores his wife and kids. Life gets a bit complicated when Roy and his wife, Helen, get sucked into the dish one day! Now it's up to the kids to save them. That is, if they can find the right channel.

Oh how I miss the old days of cable. I remember my dad and uncle both having those big ugly dishes in their backyards, which ironically enough is how I was able to see Stay Tuned! This movie is seriously awesome. It's one of those quintessential comedies from my childhood- funny for kids, but even funnier for parents, something that will be remembered fondly and enjoyed even into adulthood. The parodies of television shows were pretty awesome, and Jeffery Jones plays the most perfect evil right hand man Lucifer could ever ask for.

Grade: A+

Lo Squartatore di New York (1982), Lucio Fulci
The New York Ripper



A maniac is on the loose in New York City, killing young, beautiful women- by gutting them! The police have few clues to go on, other than the general profile of your average serial killer and the fact that the killer speaks in a tone reminiscent of a duck. When one of the victims escapes, it gives the police their best lead yet. There are enough plot twists and red herrings to keep any giallo fan occupied, and enough gore and utter brutality to satisfy fans of 80s slashers.

Over the years, The New York Ripper has been accused of being one of the most misogynistic films of all time. But I am having a hard time trying to figure out if it's misogyny or nihilism? I found everyone in the movie detestable, save for Faye, the one who got away- the real hero of the story.

Grade: A+

The Heart of the World (2000), Guy Maddin

Although it is only 6 minutes long, The Heart of the World manages to fit in love triangle AND post-apocalyptic themes. Maddin somehow finds a way to perfectly recreate the look and feel of a silent film from the late 20s/early 30s. It was very exciting, the acting and the music were very fast paced. I was just in awe of how impeccably this short paid homage to that period in film. If you like Metropolis, and you can get ahold of this, I highly recommend it!

Grade: A

Vampyres (1974), José Ramón Larraz

^That is a gaping wound in a man's arm. Just saying.

Two voluptuous ladies are shot to death during a girl-on-girl tryst. Inexplicably, they return as "vampyres." Or was that actually the end of the story? It's hard to say. Anyways, they live in a gigantic mansion and stalk nearby roads, posing as hitchhikers. Why, you ask? To pick up stupid, ugly men so they can drink their blood! Duh, silly!

One day the top in the relationship, Fran, stumbles upon a particularly horrendous victim. It doesn't matter what Fran does, the asshole just keeps coming around. Every night she gets him drunk, and every night he wakes up feeling like he got hit by a train, with a large slash on his forearm. He actually does go for help at one point, but just goes right back for more. What a stupid dumb-dumb this guy is. I really can't stress it enough. Also, he would probably be really pissed if he knew that while he was passed out at night, there were hot chicks banging right next to him in bed! Man, this guy really sucks and is by far the most annoying part of the movie. I just can't say it enough. The girls go about their daily business of finding idiot men to feast on, and the dude just sits there in Fran's bed while they do it. Get a job!

I should mention that the butch from Prey was in this! She and her husband apparently thought that right outside of a creepy castle would be a rad place to camp. After seeing some heinous gore, she begins to suspect that whomever is inhabiting this house is up to something odd. She nosily stalks the outside of the house, hoping for clues. I think she might be a fucking idiot as well. Perhaps all the people that go in and never come out might be a clue? Sayin'. Anyways, the vamps are sick of her and her meddling husband, and they dispose of them as well. And that's really about it.

I guess it was an okay movie, but sorry guys, lesbians do not make up for a shitty story. Although, this was definitely more watchable than Daughters of Darkness. I don't think I'm goth enough for this genre, so I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead.

Grade: B-

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008), Peter Sollett

Nick is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, Tris. He's one of those. Low self-esteem therefore hopefully in love with someone who treated him like crap for 6 months. He is an otherwise really cool dude. He is the only non-gay in a queercore band, tentatively named "The Jerk Offs," (although I thought "Fistful of Assholes" was a way cooler name.) He makes the best mix CDs in the whole world. And he is a super mega ultra cute and awkward.

Norah is supposed to be that cool "girl next door" or "totally platonic friend" that likes awesome stuff, is funny, smart, hot- once you get to know her, and constantly overlooked because dudes are too busy drooling over her mega-babe-but-really-vapid friends. One of those friends (frienemies?) just happens to be Tris. OH SNAP GURL! (Disclaimer: To be honest, I just don't really like Kat Dennings. I think she's annoying, although she wasn't so bad in this movie. But she did get to kiss Michael Cera a lot, and for that, I will never be able to like her, due to extreme jealousy.)

Anyhow, not knowing that Nick is Tris' ex, she asks him to be her boyfriend for 5 minutes. This leads to a fun filled night of fighting, making up, awkward run-ins with exes, talking about nerd stuff, and searching for a super secret after hours performance by their favorite band, "Where's Fluffy?" Betcha can't guess the ending!!!!

I like cheesy movies. This does not exclude cheesy teen movies. I like the High School Musical movies too. Whatever. I think this movie will develop an obsessive following of 15 year old girls, much like Juno, or really anything starring the love of my life. Anyways, this movie was just okay. I have seen worse. The infinite gum gag got old really quickly. Michael Cera playing an awkward teen is starting to get old. There was a pretty great cameo from Andy Samberg, which I am going to be nice and not ruin. Some of the music discussions were so far off base and clueless, it made me LOL. I recognized a lot of the places shown/talked about, so that was cool. But when they kept saying "Brooklyn Pool," I kept thinking they were talking about McCarren Pool. They weren't. :(

Best Line: "If anyone is gonna get raped in that van, it will be a guy."

Grade: B

PS: This post is dedicated to my mom. To prove that I actually do watch movies that were made after 1989, not featuring gore of any sort.

Prey (1978), Norman J. Warren

An alien lands on Earth. Not just any alien, but an alien hungry for human flesh. He happens upon an isolated lesbian couple living on some sort of farm(?) in a remote area of the English countryside. The butch of the couple, Jo, is extremely domineering, and it is hinted at that she will stop at nothing to get rid of anyone who attempts to come between her and her femme partner, Jessica. It's made abundantly clear that Jo is quite obsessive, and their isolation is by her choosing. It's also made obvious that Jessica is just not that into Jo, but she is young and naive, and probably a bit easily lead. She yearns to get out into the world and see what it has to offer. So of course, when this random "attractive" dude comes along, it's going to be a problem.

Alien man starts killing and eating all the livestock. Jo, apparently a dumbass, blames it on a fox. They go on a quest to kill said fox, to no avail. While Jo and Jessica are in the house sulking, alien man hunts down the fox and brings it back to the house. Inexplicably, the girls decide this is a great opportunity for a major rager! Since alien man doesn't have any party clothes, they decide to dress him up in women's clothing, which apparently then makes him irresistable to Jo. Or maybe it was the bubbly? A game of hide and seek is suggested. What Jessica doesn't know is that Jo plans on stabbing alien guy with a large knife. Well, she doesn't. Even though I wish she did.

Anyways, the next day alien guy almost drowns in this really disgusting looking lake. It looks like raw sewage. He did not take swimming at man-eating alien college I guess. This is shot in slow motion. It was probably the coolest part of the whole movie, even though it looks like they are swimming in diarrhea. Jessica decides that if they get naked, it might make him feel better! So they do, and alien guy gets a little too riled up. And by that, I mean he Hulks out, turns into a man wearing a cat nose prosthetic, and bites out her esophagus. JO. IS. PISSED. She tries to avenge her girlfriend's death (but like I said, she is kind of a dumbass), and gets eaten in the process. Good! No more incessant whining! Oh, and just so you really don't have to watch the movie, it is alluded to that alien dude eats some children next.

For only being 78 minutes long, this movie really dragged on. They wrote most of the movie while it was being filmed, and it shows. I thought the way in which the relationship between the women was shown was leaning toward homophobic. Maybe I am looking into things too much, but it was a turn-off for me.

Grade: C

Delirio caldo (1972), Renato Polselli
Delirium

A serial killer is on the loose, killing a massive amount of women in a variety of cleverly disgusting ways. A criminal psychologist works closely with the police to help track down the murderer, but eventually becomes the prime suspect.

The DVD I was given had two cuts of the film- the longer, much more cohesive "International" version, and the butchered and radically different American version. I must note that I only bothered to watch the International version, after doing some reading which suggested that this was the more worthwhile cut. So my advice would be to forget the American version ever existed.

This movie was twisted. I mean, literally. There were so many plot twists and red herrings that I began to question my initial guesses as to who the killer (or killers?) might be, even though the answer is made abundantly clear within the first 5 minutes or so. Though not very gory, it didn't need to be. The story itself was entertaining enough to keep me interested throughout the whole movie. It was very sexual, which is to be expected when dealing with a serial killer film. The relationships between the wife, the doctor, the cousin, and the maid were probably the most interesting part for me.

Grade: A-

P.S. I think the opening scenes may have inspired Tarantino for the bar scene in Death Proof? Tell me what you think!

Les lèvres rouges (1971), Harry Kümel
Daughters of Darkness

A couple goes to a remote hotel in Belgium to spend their honeymoon. Soon after their arrival two bizarre women, Countess Elisabet Bathory and her 'secretary,' Ilona, show up. As they are the only four patrons of the hotel, it is inevitable that their paths will cross. A string of murders occurs, and it seems as though the Countess and her special friend are to blame. Everything gets a bit fishy from there- no pun intended, really.

This film was recommended to me by one of my great friends. One of his favorite things in life are 1970's lesbian vampire movies. He even plans to get a Daughters of Darkness-inspired tattoo. I have to be honest though, I was very bored by this movie. It's somewhere between art house and grindhouse, I think it can't decide which. For a lesbian vampire movie, the lesbian elements were very, very tame compared to most films of that genre. You don't even technically see any two women kiss, so if you are looking for something graphic, this is not for you. The relationship between the Countess and her long-suffering lover is actually kind of sad.

However, some of the straight sex shown between the married couple is quite disturbing. There is something a little off about Stefan. He is VERY sadistic, possibly even abusive. Also, he has a rather strange aversion to calling his mother to tell her the news of his marriage. When we are finally shown his "mother," it's not actually a woman at all, but a very effeminate, flamboyant man. Possibly his lover? They may share a relationship much like that of the Countess and Ilona. I didn't quite get that part.

The Countess and Ilona work on separating the couple so that they can get rid of Stefan and convince Valerie to join their ranks. This works, however, Stefan ends up accidentally killing Ilona in the process. Once that happens, it's pretty much a done deal. Valerie joins the Countess in her quest for the blood of virgins to maintain eternal health and youthful appearance.

If you really like foreign films that are more arty than they're worth, I say go for it. Otherwise, skip it. This movie is pretty overrated. I just didn't think that the story, or the acting was all that good. (Ok, I take back the acting thing. The woman who played the Countess seemed as though she was born to play that part.) There are too many plotholes and too many unanswered questions. Perhaps my expectations were simply too high. If you are still interested, even after reading this review, then maybe you should check it out.

Grade: C-

My Own Private Idaho (1991), Gus Van Sant


This is the story of two young hustlers and best friends, Mike and Scott (played by River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves [of all people]) living in Portland, Oregon. They seem ambitionless, just selling themselves for cash to get by on. However, this is not entirely the case. Mike's life goes by like a dream, due mostly to his extreme case of narcolepsy. He always dreams about the same things; his long lost mother, and his home state of Idaho. It's his goal to reunite himself with his mother. This thought and his relationship with Scott are the only things that keep him going. Scott is a whole 'nother story. He comes from a very wealthy and privileged family. He is living this way by choice until his 20th birthday, when he is to inherit a portion of his father's fortune. He wants to show his family that he can become a changed man and hopefully rise to their long held expectations of him.

The week before Scott inherits his fortune, he and Mike embark on a journey of epic proportions. They go out in search of Mike's mother. They search in Idaho, where Mike's brother Richard still lives. They stay with him and as the night wears on, we discover something pretty shattering: Richard is not only Mike's brother, he's his dad as well. Their mother was very mentally ill, which lead to the boys being separated from her at a young age. This illness probably lives on a bit in both of them. They visit Mike's mother's last known place of employment, where they are told she moved to Italy the year before. When they arrive at her address in Italy, they are told by the beautiful young lady that lives there that Mike's mother is long gone, back to Idaho.

Rather than leave straight for the States, Scott decides to stick around and bang this Italian chick for a few days. They 'fall in love', and leave Mike behind to go back to America so that Scott can marry her and become the man his parents always wanted him to be. If you already think that Scott is an asshole, let me just add that only the night before, Mike declared his love for Scott, and presumably (although arguable), they have sex. Poor Mike eventually makes it back to America, where he runs into Scott one night. Scott is all slick and smooth, a real GQ cover kinda guy, with a new set of rich friends. When approached by a group of his old hustler friends, he turns his back on them. He merely used them, in some sick way, to gain some sort of life experience before diving head-first into a life of money, power, and success. Mike returns to Idaho, and what happens next is anyone's guess, as the ending is left open to interpretation. Apparently there is an alternate ending which shows Mike's brother-dad picking him up. I don't really know what to think of that, seems too sugary.

Jon swore I would hate this movie. I don't know why, I am very familiar with Van Sant's work, I know the pace at which his films normally go. This is an adaptation of Shakespeare's Henry IV Pt. 1 and 2 and Henry V. I thought that the Shakespearean dialogue and delivery of it was perfect. Some people say it was annoying, or didn't blend well, but I think it added to the dream-like quality of the film. River Phoenix's performance was incredible. I wish the same could be said for Keanu Reeves. (I really hate that guy.) Although I found this film on the brink of pretension a few times, I really think it is worth watching. The cinematography is gorgeous. The lonely roads of Idaho never looked so good. I think Van Sant is a brilliant filmmaker, and I very much look forward to his upcoming Harvey Milk biopic.

Best Line: "I love you, and you don't pay me."

Grade: A-

Don't Look Now (1973), Nicolas Roeg

A couple (played to perfection by Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie) loses their daughter in an unfortunate drowning accident. Emotionally crippled by grief and guilt, they attempt to continue on with their lives. They seem to be managing, until one day when they run into two mysterious old ladies. One of them is blind as well as psychic, and claims to have "seen" their dead daughter. This sets the couple on their own obsessive quests for the truth, with completely unexpected results.

I've been meaning to see this movie for years. I first saw a clip from it years ago when Bravo showed their 100 Scariest Movie Moments. Yeah dudes, thanks for showing THE FUCKING END OF THE MOVIE. Cool spoiler alert. Anyways, I watched this movie knowing the entire time what was going to happen. And it actually had the opposite effect on my opinion of the movie than I thought it would. I thought I would either hate it, or be really bored. But I was actually really intrigued, and the fact that I already knew what happened made the last 5 minutes or so almost completely unbearable. I won't ruin the surprise for anyone else, but I will say that "certain elements" of this film made it pretty much terrifying for me to walk from the couch to my bedroom in the dark. I was just waiting for you-know-who to do you-know-what at any given moment. Seriously? I'm done writing about this because I'm getting creeped out all over again.

Grade: A

Deathdream (1974), Bob Clark

A young man (Andy) is sent to Vietnam. After a while of not hearing from him, his family's worst nightmares come true when they are given notice of his death. Then, without explanation, he shows up on their doorstep later on the same night. As the days pass, it becomes more and more evident that there is something seriously wrong with Andy. His father is the first to acknowledge it, while his mother remains in denial about the all too coincidental tragedies that have been occurring since Andy came home. Can they stop Andy before it's too late? I would suggest that you watch and find out.

Bob Clark was a total badass, for a period of about 11 years in the 70s and 80s. This is the man who has brought us Black Christmas, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, A Christmas Story, and Porky's 1 and 2! Pretty impressive. Too bad anything he did after Porky's was pretty much the worst thing ever.

Deathdream really makes its low budget work in its favor. The darkness and the cheapness and the wooden acting somehow actually work. Richard Backus is perfect, Andy just gets creepier and more evil as the movie goes on. There are really no "big scares" in this movie, but it's definitely a new take on the zombie genre.

Grade: B+

Hell of the Living Dead (1980), Bruno Mattai

This movie was about zombies. And maybe cannibals? That's really all I've got. It managed to be a horrible ripoff of both Dawn of the Dead and Cannibal Holocaust at the same time, all while boring me to sleep. I am not exaggerating, this movie took me not one, not two, but THREE tries to get through the whole thing. This has never happened to me before.

And just to prove that no film is without merit, there were actually about three interesting parts in the whole thing. One being the child zombie who was repeatedly shot, but was apparently unphased, as his need to eat flesh was just that insatiable. I think he was the best actor in this entire movie. Two was the gratuitous segment which prominently featured the breasts of Ms. Margit Evelyn Newton. I'd recommend Googling that name. And third was the extremely brutal uppercut right to the brain at the end.

I would probably not recommend this movie to anyone. I fell into the trap of saying to myself, "It's an Italian zombie flick. There is no way this will be as bad as everyone says!" DO NOT do this. I like bad movies, and this is probably among the worst I have ever seen.

I can't even come up with a grade for this. Oh wait, here's one: W-O-O-F.

Un gatto nel cervello (1990), Lucio Fulci
A Cat In The Head; Nightmare Concert

In Fulci's homage to Fellini's 8 1/2, Fulci plays himself... playing himself. He begins to go crazy after decades of making some of the goriest horror films in history. He sees things that aren't there, distubing segments from his earlier films. And it certainly doesn't help that his psychiatrist is manipulating the situation in order to carry out his bloodiest fantasies. The story is so full of twists and turns, you are hard-pressed to tell the difference between reality, memory, and hallucination. It's a movie within a movie within a movie. It's a real mindfuck, and arguably Fulci's masterpiece. I think Wes Craven tried to do something similar with New Nightmare, but that movie was an epic fail.

A cat in the head. I think everyone can relate.

Grade: A

Demoni 2... L'incubo ritorna (1986), Lamberto Bava
Demons 2

Hell yeah motherfuckers, Bava and Argento did it again. Although maybe not quite as good as Demons, this movie still kicked ass. Zombie babies bursting forth from a small child's chest cavity, Alien-style. Do I even need to say anything else? Ok, fine. I will.

Demons 2 is sort of contradictory to the first movie. In the first movie, the zombie virus claimed it's first victim via a mask. In this film, a woman becomes a zombie simply by watching the movie shown in Demons on her own television. Her apartment building seals itself, much in the way that the movie theater did in the first film. And I think you can figure it out from here.

Oh yeah, and The Smiths are on the soundtrack. Just sayin'.

Grade: B+

Dèmoni (1985), Lamberto Bava
Demons

Oh, you don't like fast zombies? Oh, and you don't like it when people become zombies in inexplicable ways? What's that? You like movies with a plot? Really? WELL TOO BAD. Dario Argento and Lamberto Bava don't give a fuck. A mysterious man hands out free tickets to a movie at a mysterious theater no one has bothered to notice before. Via an evil looking metal mask, this broad becomes infected with the virus of the undead. The doors of the theater seal themselves, and the patrons are trapped inside, with clever, bloodthirsty zombies running amok. There is eye gouging. There are zombie babies. There is coke being snorted out of coke cans. There is a never-ending supply of unintentionally hilarious one-liners. This is an amalgamation of everything an 80s slasher/zombie film should be. This is the standard to which all other such movies had to compare themselves to. Also, Dario Argento has really hot daughters.

Best Line: "THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO TOUCH THINGS!"

Grade: A

Freaked (1993), Alex Winter

An evil corporation pays former child star Ricky Coogan $5M to promote a chemical, Zyklon 24, which they know to be toxic. Along the way, Coogan decides he would rather chase tail than do his job, and deformity (caused by the very chemical that Coogan was paid to promote, no less!) ensues for all.

This was one of my favorites as a kid. I used to watch it on satellite (lolz) with my cousin. I hadn't seen it since childhood, but it holds up. I would put it in the same vein as They Live: a cheesy B-movie on the outside, a smart, well-written film on the inside. The cast of this movie is just as awesome as They Live, if not more. Alex Winter, Randy (My Favorite) Quaid, Brooke Shields looking like her ass don't age, William "Hey Guess What I've Been In Everything Ever" Sadler, MISTER FUCKING T... I could go on. The fact that it was directed by Alex "Bill S. Preston, Esq." Winter only adds to the awesomeness that is Freaked.

Grade: B+